Fuck You, Orlando Bloom…

Posted on July 28, 2010 by

Yep, fuck you, dude.

Engaged, married and…. knocked up Miranda Kerr in like a month.

I hate you for being awesome.

Speaking of, I don’t think I’ve done a Skillet of the Month for this month, have I?

Posted in Celebrities, Ladies, Miranda Kerr, skillets, tophspeaks, Victoria's Secret Angels, Victoria's Secret | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

Let’s Make Fun of Craigslist Missed Connections…

Posted on July 20, 2010 by

The reason I love this so much, is because there’s an endless supply lonely weirdos in San Francisco. It’s easily one of my favorite things about living here.

Today, we’ve add a new wrinkle to the Craigslist equation, yep, we’re also adding Casual Encounters!

Morning wood = omnomnom – w4m – 32 (novato)
Need to find the right guy, im certain I can find that here I prefer short stocky men I love laying on my back and spreading my legs wide so a guy can eat me out right

If there’s one thing I look for in a casual encounter, it’s the chance to eat a girl out, and no mention of anything else. I’m a giver… I mean, really?

Butch SheBear Wants FatCougar – 53 (BAY AREA)
Hi, I am a large curvy butch, soft and cute, wanting to snuggle with a fat cougar for a fun rendevous. I am open to a relationship.I prefer women more femme than I. I work and live in SF .I enjoy 420.

I’m dying to meet FatCougar. Isn’t that an oxymoron? Doesn’t Cougar mean hot older woman? Where does fat come in to play? Also, how many large butches are also cute? I’m going with 0.

PREGNANT and horny – 21 (downtown / civic / van ness)
I am 21yo. Caucasian dark-haired girl. I am 5’7. My weight .. well … I am 7 months pregnant. No, there is no baby daddy. He dumped me like a big potato sack before I started looking like a potato sack.
I am very happy and excited and healthy about my upcoming little girl but my hormones are off the chart.
So yeah, I want to get off with a hot respectful guy who would happen to be into pregnant lady sex. No strings attached (not looking for a father to my child!) but nothing degrading either.

Pregnant and horny… meet Christian… Christian… meet Pregnant and Horny.

Hot Dominant looking for SugarSlave – w4m – 26 (castro / upper market)
Mistress would like to use you for various duties: Cleaning, shoe shopping, clothes shopping, foot massages, backrubs (if you’re lucky), laundry, and general assistance. I am a beautiful domme, 6 feet tall in heels, with a love of fetish wear and lovely shoes. Send me a letter of introduction and maybe I will use you.

Wait, wait, wait… Diabla and I would like to use SugarSlave for these things, as well. In fact, if you can take care of babies it’s even better.

This is silly – 20 (mission district)
I’m ready. Been single for a relatively significant amount of time, and ready to do something about(ergo silly craigslist posting).

AKA, no one else will date me, so why wouldn’t you? At least post a photo of your boobs or something.

Large women looking for a hard man – w4m – 20 (Daly City)
Want someone who likes to have sex and likes to explore new things. A guy who is disease free and like to use condoms. I like to give oral and try new things. I still consider my self and newbie and have not done any anal sex but is willing to try. I want to have fun.

What’s a hard man? I’ve read this post twice, and the only thing I see here is “I like to give oral.” (Take some notes up there, Morning Wood, girl…)

Asian Single to Asian Single – 60
I am an Asian single woman, seeking a monogamy relationship with an Asian single man,
lonely and needs a reliable an other half to share quality life, as a non-smoker, age 60+ .
Picture is not important, but no Fake, Drama, please.

Admittedly, I don’t know much about how Asian’s over 40 act, but I’m trying to wrap my head around an over 60 year old Asian man who is both fake and has drama. I guess this happens enough to put in a Craigslist post, but it boggles my fucking mind. 60yo Asian men, I respect you.

very little baggage – 61 (noe valley)
Do you have the time for a significant other in your life? Independent woman desires partner in life.
Likes simple pleasures — walks, movies, music. Physically attractive desires same. SF preferred.

The old people are representing! You know what “very little baggage” says to me, Grandma? It says that you have tons of baggage. Perhaps you’re fake, with lots of drama. Me and Asian Single know your kind.

FREE MOUTH-WATERING ORAL – m4w – 33 (mission district)
Need to feel your flowing juices on my tongue, hear your moan, experience your quiver. Age, race, body-type doesn’t matter. Being discreet, sane, and disease-free does. Put “I’m spreading them for you” in your subject. White, normal, attractive, and thirsty for your nectar. No reciprocity required.

Yup, dudes are just really fucking creepy in these things. White, normal (um), attractive, and thirsty for your nectar. Hold on… Have you met Morning Wood? She loves this shit!! I must hook these two up!

boyish dyke seeks bi-curious boy – w4m – 25 (mission district)
5’2
size 36 waist
size dd tits
seeking boy who would find my boyish charm hot.
let’s make out…maybe more

Reason #524 I love San Francisco.

Posted in Anti Ask Toph, Casual Encounters, Craigslist, Entertainment, tophspeaks | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

Rugby and Jarah Mariano Win!

Posted on July 14, 2010 by

Have I mentioned that Rugby.com is my favorite store?

No?

Not that I’m shopping there exclusively, but it’s pretty damned close. I know I’ve mentioned them a few times, so hopefully you’ve kept up. Their buttonup shirts are the best I’ve bought in some time. Durable, they don’t effin’ shrink the dryer and they’re relaxed.

My faves? Try here, here and here.

But, the best thing Rugby has done? Well, they hired Jarah to be their model!

Posted in Jarah Mariano, Men's Fashion, Rugby.com, skillet, tophspeaks | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Ladies, Here’s 8 Dudes to Avoid

Posted on July 2, 2010 by

I’ve been talking to a lot of my single girlfriend’s about their dating lives. I don’t know, I guess I’m always curious of the playing level that other dudes are on.

Frankly, what I see is appalling. And, it’s not just the behavior of the men, no, it’s you ladies, too. Maybe you’re thinking, “I’m getting a little older, so I’m going to open myself up to more douchiness…” Or maybe you’ve just forgotten what level of dude you’re supposed to be dating. I don’t know, but I’m here to help.

Ladies, let’s start avoiding these guys.

8. The Greasy Guy – It’s a fact of life. Some dudes are just greasy. Their hair is slicked back, they’re just a little too tan and they always look like they stepped out of the shower. Nope, you don’t need this.

7. The Broke Guy – Sure, he’s in college and you’re not, but eventually he’s got to pay for something. And, no, bringing you homemade gifts is not cute.

6. The Workout Guy – Working out is good, but if every time you talk to the dude he’s either coming, going or at the gym, I’d be worried. Chances are he’s got mirrors and his room, so he can see himself get laid. I do that, too, but I’m not always at the gym, so it’s ok… (right?)

5. The Really Wants to Fuck Guy – All guys really, really want to get laid. Some guys do a better job of not showing you that than others. The key is that if a dude takes a massive shit at your apartment on date 3, comments on how great that shit was and how you shouldn’t go in there, and still tries to fuck you, then you shouldn’t date him.

4. The Scared to Fuck Guy – He still wants to fuck, but he’s really scared of it. Chances are, when you do fuck him, he’s going to think it’s awesome and inevitably cheat on you.

3. The Text Guy – Any dude that texts you before he calls you, don’t date him. I know what year it is, ok, but that doesn’t mean anything should change. You think that just because it’s 2010 a woman’s place isn’t in the kitchen?

2. The A Woman’s Place Is In The Kitchen Guy – Well, this guy probably doesn’t respect you… so, uh, that’s not good.

1. The Bedazzled Guy – I shouldn’t even have to say this, ladies. I mean, shit, the dude has a rhinestone cross going through a skull on his shirt! Not only is it on his shirt, but it’s on his hat, his jeans and his boots. Stop it.

By the way… dudes, stop being the things I talked about above, ok?

Posted in Ask Toph, dating advice, Entertainment, Ladies, Self Help, toph, Toph Sex, tophspeaks | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Miranda Kerr… Engaged at 27

Posted on June 23, 2010 by

It is with great sadness that I inform you that former Skillet of the Month and Skillet of the Year, Miranda Kerr, is in fact engaged at the young age of 27.

Miranda is survived by her fans, me and probably a tiny dog.

Folks, let’s try and remember the good times. Soon enough she’ll be hitting the old age of 28, married and knocked up with child. She’s probably going to change her name to Miranda Bloom, which sounds awful.

Shockingly, this announcement was made on June 21st, but it seems like it was ages ago.

Rest in peace, Miranda. (You’re still my #1)

More here and here

Posted in Aussie, Celebrities, Entertainment, Ladies, Miranda Kerr, skillet, Skillet of the Year, skillets, toph, tophspeaks, Victoria's Secret Angels, Victoria's Secret | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Let’s Make Fun of Missed Connections

Posted on June 18, 2010 by

I really love making fun of Craigslist Missed Connections. So, let’s do that now, ok?

Honesty, Integrity, Morals and Values – w4m – 38 (santa rosa)
(edited)
Is that too much to ask for…
I have answered many cl ad’s and most are not true to what they are looking for.
I am a mother of 3(2 of them girls) and it is extremely important to me that my next special someone has these characteristic’s.
I am a simple person that is happiest when my special someone is happy. Please no smokers, druggies, alcoholics or if you have been in jail/prison don’t bother to email.
If you have like what you read, email me…..I will try and answer every email as quickly as possible
Thanks
Nae
BTW I am not a thin woman…I am probably considered chubby….

Oh, sweet Jesus. Wait, am I not in Missed Connections? Hhahah… no, I was in personals. I was about to say, this shit has gotten fucking desperate. Speaking of which, good luck, Nae. The person you want doesn’t exist, chubby.

Runnin’ – w4m

Of course. You’re the pro at that arent you

Yes I am. You do know this is missed connections right? Read this back to yourself, sister. What are the chances that he knows you’re talking to him? This is why you’re alone.

hyde street apt hottie! – w4m – 28 (tenderloin)

I was walking in2 my friends apt and you were walking downstairs. We exchanged looks but i need more lol. If you are single i would love a hug… 400 block of hyde street and you were wearing a black shirt.

Is it me, or will a hug not really get you very far. You need to shoot for bigger goals. If you want him to respond, you should change this to, “If you are single, I would love to try anal.” Guarantee he’ll respond then.

Buccaneer/Rubber chicken in my purse – w4m (nob hill)

Sorry for running out this morning. I would like to see you/my cardigan/my bus pass again.

You ho! It’s girls like this that make me love San Francisco. Fellas, this is why I tell you to never go back to your place. You know she’s coming back over now, I mean she’s writing you a Missed Connections post after she connected. Bitch is crazy, which generally equates to a good fuck.

To the Dude(s) I Karaoked with at the End of Last Night – w4m – 23 (north beach / telegraph hill)

I remember one name: Patrick (you and I danced to Backstreet Boys, I think). There were like 3 of you though. We karaoked together and it was amazing. However, I was really drunk, and now I can’t remember what songs we sang. I know Closing Time was the last one, but there was another (possibly two more?) song(s) that I am just blanking on. Help me out here?

In case you don’t remember me, I was the drunk brunette who sang Push It and 99 Red Balloons (…among other things).

xoxoxo

You know what I love about this girl? Yeah, of course you do, she’s using missed connections to connect to 2 songs she can’t remember singing. That, and the last bit there when she said, “(…among other things).” Meaning, she blew one of them in the bathroom. Awesome.

Bow tie Temple Club – w4m

Heeeyy youuu,
We danced/ made out at the temple bar tonight during Gaslamp killer. You were wearing a bow tie, smelled of ambercobie and tasted like winter-fresh. I think you were trying to talk to me but it was wwwwaaayyyy too loud in there dummy. Either way I’ll be at Portugal the Man tomorrow night at the fillmore and club 94 on Saturday night. Try to find me

You can’t make these up! I know that if I’m at the club, wearing a bow tie, then chances of me hitting up a girl that called me a dummy is not likely. You realize he’s wearing a bow tie to a club because he thinks he’s amazing, right?

you flashed me N judah – m4w (sunset / parkside)

We were the only 2 on the last N Judah car, going to the Ocean.
You stared me down as we rode, I got off at 32nd and when I looked up at your window you pulled down your shirt and flashed me your titties as you drove away.
E-mail me and I’ll will suck and fondle them for you.

YES!!!!!!! YES YES YES… I need to right the N Judah more often.

21 Hayes – m4w

Sat next to each other on the bus…I had a brown jacket and glasses on, you had black hair and long sleeve shirt…I think you were cold! How about a cup of coffee to warm up?

Dude, it’s San Francisco, we’re all cold.

Kyle – w4m

I’m crazy about you. I have been from the start. Meeting you was one of the best things that has ever happened to me.
You’ll probably never see this, but I needed to say it and put it out there. Maybe one day I’ll have the guts to actually say it to you.

Guess who I’m friends with, lady? That’s right, Kyle. And, he is reading this. Your connection will happen! Kyle, hit this chick up!

Posted in Anti Ask Toph, Craigslist, Missed Connections, tophspeaks | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Skillet of the Month… Olivia Wilde

Posted on June 16, 2010 by

Happy June, y’all!

Why is June my favorite month? That’s easy, it’s always filled with things like my birthday, Vegas trips, NBA Finals, NHL Finals, baseball games and chicks in lingerie.

So, for my birthday month, we get Olivia Wilde. Honestly, I’ve been meaning to Skilletize her for some time now. And, when’s a better time than now? So what I generally confuse her and Summer Glau (that gives me an idea for next month).

Exciting stuff here, folks.

Posted in Celebrities, Ladies, Olivia Wilde, skillet, Skillet of the Month, tophspeaks | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Vegas Time…

Posted on June 7, 2010 by

From Miami to Vegas… What a shit life, huh?

Posted in tophspeaks | Leave a comment

It’s My Birthday, Suckas!

Posted on June 2, 2010 by

And, to celebrate I’m taking a week off to go to Miami, then to Vegas.

Actually, it’s more than week… I won’t be back till June 14th.

Enjoy your lives, and follow the action on the tweets (or just look up there to the right) – @TophMiller2

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Toph Listens…

Posted on May 26, 2010 by

Hello friends, how’s things? I was going to give you some music to listen to last week, but instead wrote about Epic Week.

Well, fear not, I’m back with some shit you ought to listen to. As you know, my music is all over the fucking map, so I hope there’s something in here you’ll enjoy. If not, well, then look at the photo above (keep in mind, I wrote this before deciding on the photo above).

Andrew Belle; The Ladder – What a complete fucking shock this album is. I stumbled upon it, and bought it cause it was like 5 bucks. I think I’ve heard it every day since, as it’s entered into my rotation. It’s a good album, and you should listen to it. Check out Static Waves, The Ladder and Don’t Blame Yourself.

Band of Horses; Everything All the Time – This album isn’t new, and honestly, it’s just ok. Actually, their newest, Infinite Arms, is pretty damn good. But, I just want to turn your attention to one song, The Funeral. Fuck it is so good.

The Avett Brothers, I and Love and You – I don’t think I mentioned The Avett Brothers new album, and I should. So, I’m doing it now. It’s a little less heavy on the banjo, but it’s damned good. I’m still happy Kyle introduced me to these guys. Too bad I didn’t go the concert. Have a listen to I and Love and You *and* Head Full of Doubt / Road Full of Promise.

Josh Ritter; So Runs the World Away – I’ll say this, I’m always surprised when there are good musicians that I don’t know. I don’t mean that to sound cocky or anything, I just think every one should know when good musicians come around. It’s not that often, you know. What that said, Josh Ritter. He is a good musician, and you should listen to him. Cool? You should try Change of Time and The Curse.

The National; High Violet – Speaking of how people should be alerted about good musicians, a friend told me about The National. How did I not know about them? I should designate someone to tell me about bands I don’t know. High Violet is The National’s newest release. Some people say, when starting to like a band, that you should start with the early stuff. Disagree. The band wants to sell their new shit. Check out Terrible Love, Runaway and Fake Empire (which, is off Boxer, so buy that, too).

Posted in Andrew Belle, Band of Horses, Entertainment, Josh Ritter, Music, Musicians, toph, Toph Listens, tophspeaks | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment