Seriously, who leaves this place?

I haven’t talked about music with you guys in a while, so I thought I should update you on everything I’m listening to.

Also, I just wanted to give you all a heads up. If you follow my tweets, then you know this already, but make sure you hit up Amazon once a month for the 100 albums for $5 special. I end up blowing about $100 ever month on this.

I’m also sorry that I neglect you guys now for my less exciting blog, Skip The Youth. Though, I recommend you reading it.

On to the music!

Ben Folds & Nick Hornby; Lonely Avenue – Finally, Lonely Avenue was released yesterday. See, this is the downside of following musicians on twitter. I feel like Ben Folds has been talking about this album for ages. Therefore, I’ve been waiting for ages to hear it. Well, besides listening to it on stream the other day, that day has arrived.

The Hold Steady; Heaven Is Whenever – I like the Hold Steady, and you should, too. Heaven is Whenever is pretty solid all the way through.

The Limousines; Get Sharp – Admittedly I’d not heard of these guys till I saw their video for “Internet Killed the Video Star.” I recommend you watch this video… on the internet. I bought this album to support what they’re doing, and I’m glad I did. It’s pretty fucking good.

Etta James; At Last! – Want to know why I bought this album? Because I wanted “A Sunday Kind of Love,” from the Dockers commercial. Thanks to that commercial, I hear that song and I think about San Francisco. As it turns out, this is an amazing album. I had no idea, but damn she’s phenoms.

LCD Soundsytem; This is Happening - I think I have everything LCD Soundsystem has made, and I don’t know why. I like them a lot, but they don’t really fit into my normal tastes. You should find a reason to like them, too.

The Temper Trap; Conditions – The fact that this album came out in 2009, and I never talked about it is mind boggling. It’s not just Sweet Disposition, either. This album is chock full of good shit.

Tired Pony; The Place We Ran From – This was also released yesterday (hell yeah, yesterday). Tired Pony is a collection of awesome, with some country roots. It’s fronted by Gary Lightbody, of Snow Patrol, and includes Richard Colburn (of Belle & Sebastian), Iain Archer, singer Miriam Kaufmann, and Jacknife Lee. As well as Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward on Get on the Road. Buy this now.

I’m the worst leader of the best blog, huh? Well, let’s see if I can make it up to you with a little Skillet of the Month. Perhaps it’ll help to give you a Skillet of the Month with Nina Dobrev’s caliber.

Have I seen Vampire Diaries? Nope. Do I love Nina Dobrev? Yes.

I think I first noticed when those workout photos below were put out. “Holy effin’ shit, who is this chick?!”

Well… this is who she is, according to the Wikis:

Nina Dobrev (born Nina Konstantinova Dobreva; in Bulgarian Нина Константинова Добрева January 9, 1989)^[1] is a Bulgarian-Canadian actress. She has played the role of Mia Jones, the single teenage mother on Degrassi: The Next Generation, from the shows sixth to ninth season. She currently stars as Elena Gilbert in the TV series The Vampire Diaries.

Here is who she is according to her photos:

It was brought to my attention by my friend, Amber, that Steve Harvey has been encouraging women to wait 90 days before having sex with a guy they’re dating. Um.

Apparently his book, “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man,” has been on the shelves since January of 2009. Looks like I’m going to need to quickly churn out my book, “Act Like a Lady, Have Normal Sex.”

I understand Harvey’s plea, that ladies are giving it up too easily, and their standards have dropped. But, let’s look at the other side of this coin, shall we? Steve Harvey is currently married to his 3rd wife. You know, it’s not that I have a problem with a guy who has been divorced twice telling women how they should live their lives (I’m sure this led to two divorces), it’s that he’s telling women how they should live their lives. For a guy who seemingly knows so little about relationships, why is he writing a book about relationships?

I also have a problem with a him describing his book like this: “Women are clueless about men,” because “Men get away with a whole lot of stuff” and because he has “some valuable information to change all of that.” Who the fuck does he think he is? Why does Steve Harvey feel like it’s his responsibility to inform women of how clueless they are? Doesn’t he think some of this cluelessness (not a word?) is self prescribed?

I’d just like to reference a couple of things, Steve.
I’ve dated a girl who wanted to withhold sex. We broke up.
I’ve had a onenight stand with a girl. We never spoke again.
I’ve had regular sex with a girl. We broke up.
I’ve had regular sex with a girl. We got married.

The point is, ladies, deciding you’re going to actively withhold sex from a dude for a certain period of time isn’t going to lead him to want to marry you. It’ll likely do the exact opposite. It will also make him think you’re fucking crazy.

There’s no formula to dating. Just be normal, be yourself and be awesome. Shit will happen for you. Instead of burning the Quran we should be burning “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.”

Have you seen A League of Their Own? If not, then you should probably just look at photos of Rosie Jones.

This is post all about Dottie Hinson, and how she is the worst person in the history of sports. Not only is she the worst person in the history of sports, but she also the embodiment of why woman’s sports will never take off in America.

So, let’s get to it, shall we? Let to get a little Script Analysis on you, I always have a hard time figuring out just who the protagonist of the story is. Is it Jimmy Dugan? Or is it Dottie? Well, you could argue Dottie, because it could be considered that she goes through the biggest change. She turns around on her way to being a housewife, and having lots of babies, to be a ballplayer. But, here’s my argument against that. She does this for one game. You’ve seen the ending, she only plays for one year, right? Well, her change didn’t last. Jimmy, however, changed the most, and it was a lasting change.

Now that that’s out of the way. Why does Dottie suck? I just can’t get behind a person that would leave her team behind, without notice, as they’re heading to the World Series. Look, I get it, Bob is back from the war. But, unlike Betty Spaghetti’s husband, Bob is alive. Not only is he well, but he’s a few years away from becoming president, and leading the world to independence against an alien attack.

So, Dottie decides, when she sees Bob, that she’s done with baseball. She leaves the Peaches. How are none of her teammates pissed off at this? They all want her to write them? I’d assume someone like May or Doris would be up in her face calling her a quitter. You’re going to the World Series to play against your effin’ sister. Who, ps, wouldn’t be in this league if it weren’t for you. I refuse to believe the argument that Bob would be ok with this. Bob is a man. He’s an army man at that. Winning is in his blood. You’re telling me that Bob, who just fought for his country, would approve of his wife leaving her women behind to fight without her? No. Plus she knew she was being an ass, otherwise she would have told everyone.

However, halfway to Oregon, she realizes that she loves baseball, she’s a piece of shit for leaving her team and they should turn around. The Peaches are Rockford, which appears to be in Illinois. I don’t know about you, but the fact that it took them over the course of 6 games to drive halfway to Oregon and back is… well… interesting. The series is split 3 games a piece.

How about the Racine Belles here? Isn’t this a tainted win? You’re playing a team without their best player, and you’re using their pitcher, too. How did they manage to let the Peaches get 3 wins anyways?

Now, when Dottie comes back no one seems to care. Um, hello?! She hasn’t played in 6 games, and she’s apparently been couped up in a car for at least more than 6 days (Google Maps says it’d take 1 day and 9 hours to make that drive today). You haven’t needed her for 6 games, why do you need her now? Wouldn’t she be a distraction? Or, perhaps motivation for the Belles?

You know what happens, Racine wins because Kitt runs her over, and Dottie drops the ball. We’ll never know whether she dropped it on purpose, or not. But, knowing what we know now about Dottie, she dropped the ball on purpose.

Congrats, Dottie. You drove all the way back to the World Series to ultimately lose the game for your team.

Now, what does this have to do with woman’s sports? Well, it’s the example of how even the best player in the league will abandon her team to have babies. Imagine you’re a Yankees fan. You’re heading to the World Series, and before the start of the series Jeter decides he’s not going to play because Minka Kelly is done filming… something. What’s you’re reaction to this? Outrage? Does the league, which by the way is struggling to stay afloat, allow this to happen? They take legal action. Fans are outraged, breach of contract, so on and so forth. In the All American League, it doesn’t even make the newspapers. I know, because they did a newspaper montage. I didn’t see it, did you?

(You wouldn’t know this, but A League of Their Own is one of my favorite sports movies. I love Tom Hanks, I can’t help it.)

Stop the fucking presses. 1. The next Ask Toph will be XXX and 2. I haven’t done an Ask Toph since April 1?!

Have you seen my inbox? No? Well, it’s fucking stacked with readers (I have readers, don’t I?) trying to get their questions answered. So, let’s get to it, shall we?

Chad in LA, CA – Toph, what’s the easiest, quickest way to hookup that’s not online or buying a hooker?

Easy. Go to a bar and hit on every single girl in there. I guarantee one of them will fuck you. It might be the ugliest one there, but she will fuck you.

Lisa in Boston, MA – Hi Toph… I always queef when a guy sexes me. How can I make it stop?

Queefs happen because air gets into your vag while you’re fucking. So, I guess you should either stop fucking everyone, or find someone with a big enough peen. Speaking of… sup?

Jill in Pensacola, FL – I’m scared of balls.

What do you mean you’re scared of balls? Like, baseballs? Footballs? You shouldn’t be scared of balls. In fact, you should love balls. Play with them, lick them, let them beat up your chin. The next dude you’re with, tell him about your fear of balls. Then ask him if you can shave his balls to get over it. This will help you.

Seymore in Charleston, SC – How do I get my girlfriend to do anal?

Wait till she’s asleep, just toss your D in there. Works every time.

Mark in Portland, OR – When I girlfriend goes down on me, I don’t want to kiss her after. Is that weird?

I guess. I mean, don’t all dudes wish we could suck our own dicks? Is that just… uh… hrm… What you should do is put those Listerine strips around your dick before she goes down on you. Then when she comes up she’ll taste minty fresh. I’ve tried this… it works.

(It’s August, isn’t it?)

I’ve been asked a lot why I haven’t had Rosie Jones on as a Skillet of the Month. The truth is, there aren’t enough photos of her with her top on.

It happens when you’re a Front model.

Of course, the other issue is that the photos aren’t up to my size standards. What can I say? I like big photos, and size matters.

Nevertheless, she’s a skillet and I cannot deny that. Enjoy Rosie, and if you want to see her jumblies, well, just Google her.

(A TophSpeaks investigation…)

I’ve spoken about this before, it was circa 2007, when I discussed my feelings about the Guy’s Girl. The overall premise was that there is no such thing as the guy’s girl.

This old blog popped into my head Monday night at the gym. I saw a girl, cute, walking on the treadmill watching Baseball Tonight. Sure, any number of scenarios could be at play here: 1. The treadmill TV was left on ESPN. or 2. She was looking for dick.

As I mention in my previous blog, Guy’s Girls, also known as Sport’s Girls, are really just after dick. It’s a little know, but often used tactic in a chick’s artillery for picking us up. As I watched her gear up to hit on the guy next to her (I was on the bike… what? I ran a half marathon the day before?!) I could almost script exactly how this would play out. She’d wait for something controversial, make an exaggerated gesture, and then rope the dude in with a verbal response to the thing. Monday night? It was Matt Garza’s no hitter.

I would wager a million dollars that despite her Red Sox hat (gross, yet stupidly attractive), she had no idea who Matt Garza was, or that the Ray’s were in the Sox division. So, what happened? The replay of the catch made by right fielder Ben Zobrist got her exaggerated gesture, and then… contact. “Can you believe that?!” She got the response from him, and they were banging in the showers moments later (I assume this, as it’s what I would have done if in his position… and, uh, single).

The whole thing left me wondering how a chick turned out this way. I think there’s some deeper seeded issues at play here. Is it likely that the same emotional damage that drives a girl to be a Sports Chick also drives them to The Pole? There has to be some daddy issues at play here, doesn’t there? Perhaps only here the daddy wanted a boy, and could never quite accept her. Here she is, early 20s and she’s still searching for acceptance. Such a shame (unless you’re single, of course).

Regardless, any time a girl starts trying to tell me this or that about sports I’m immediately put off. There really is no way to talk about this without sounding like a douche, asshole or sexist. The thing is, every guy I know agrees with me, whether they admit this or not. Yeah, we think Erin Andrews is hot, but as soon as she starts talking about how Auburn does in the cover 2 it’s over. There’s a reason her most popular clip was of her doing her hair naked, with no sound (Kidding! I’m kidding… I’m kidding?).

Now, here’s where I become a complete fucking hypocrite. It’s too difficult to be with a girl who hates sports, and it likely won’t last. Ahh, I know… shit’s crazy, but it’s also true.

If a girl won’t put on a tight jersey, or a hat, then what the fuck’s she good for? If she’s not going to games with you, or letting you watch games without constantly bitching, then you know there’s very little chance you’ll stay together.

It’s a catch 22, ladies… Sorry, I didn’t write the rules, I just pass them along.