I caught this the other day walking to Union Square from Chinatown.

And Supergirl…

I’ve debated allowing D. to write on the site, so we don’t have to keep posting his emails. But, I’m still not sure how I feel about allowing someone else to write on my blog. So, for now, we’ll stick to the same format. It seems to work best.

When we left D. he had just unsuccessfully hit on his crush, Amber. So, I decided I’d play a little “Choose Your Own Adventure Book” with D. I gave him an opportunity to either keep trying to hookup with Amber directly, or to get her attention by hooking up with one of her friends. It’s a classic trick that’s been used since as far back as I can remember. You can always get a girl’s attention by talking to one of her friends. The funny part about this is it’s not a secret! I’m saying it here in plain view, and I’m not the first to have said it. Hell, chicks readily admit this is true, yet, they still always want what they presumably can’t have.

Hey Toph. So, Amber has this friend, Britney, that’s pretty cute. I heard that Britney kinda liked me, so I went for it. Low-hanging fruit is what you call that, right?

I went up to Britney and asked her if she had Skip Day plans. She said she was hanging out with Amber and Makayla, but asked if I wanted to come along. Awesome. We ended up hanging out at Bob’s, shocking, and playing video games and smoking weed. Seriously, doesn’t this guy have parents? I wonder how my mom would react if I brought a bunch of people over and we smoked weed and drank all day. The funny thing is, there aren’t any photos in the house, either. Britney asked if I wanted to go upstairs, and we ended up making out for like 30 minutes. Awesome! But, here’s where it gets more awesome, as we’re going back downstairs, Amber sees us, and walks out of the room. What does that mean??

OH, and I have the ID!!! It looks like me, and my cousin is 22, so it’s not like I’m 21, or 30, you know? Like you said, “Making it happen…”

Success.

D. It’s like you woke up that morning and became awesome. I started giving high fives to Diabla when I read this (who, ps, would be completely disgusted if she knew this was all going on…). It means you have her in the perfect place. You now have her attention, and can make her jealous. You need to go on a private date with Britney. Make sure this date is awesome. So awesome that she’s going to want to talk about it. Get creative, but don’t get so creative that you start falling for her. Remember, we’re just using her to get what we actually want. It’s probably best to do something where there’s a lot of people around. Y’all should go to a game. I don’t know what city you’re in, so I’d try going to a basketball game or something. She’ll be impressed that you bought tickets, and she’ll be even more impressed when you go get her a hotdog, and you come back with 2 beers. Use that fake ID man… USE IT. Feel free to round 2nd base and head for third tonight. Let’s be honest, even though you’re aiming for her friend, you still spent a lot of money tonight. You deserve action for your hard work. Wait, can you even afford this stuff?

As always… report back, and good luck.

This kid just continues to bring it each and every day. I can’t seem to figure out why he needs me. He’s fucking clutch. And, seriously, I really need to find Bob’s house. This guy just sounds awesome.

Make sure you finish your Christmas shopping!!!

So, I like graffiti a lot… I’ve decided I’m going to post something awesome each Tuesday. It’s my fucking blog!

I caught this in London at Notting Hill. It’s not complicated, but everyone admitted that they couldn’t help but to look… That’s effective.

My first assignment to our new little buddy, D., was to hit on one girl and to get a fake I.D. Let me just say, I didn’t think there was any chance this guy would write back. I mean, I didn’t think he was real. I get random shit like this all the time, and I never hear back from the people. Even the amazing advice I give on AskToph often goes unnoticed or replied. I get it. I do.

So, when I saw the email from D. titled The First Assignment, well, I got excited. His response was pretty incredible, and lead me to believe that we have a chance to make this guy awesome.

With that said, here’s his response.

Toph! I can’t believe you actually wrote back. I’ve been reading you for so long, and I thought you were totally full of shit. This is awesome! So far I haven’t got a fake ID, but I have a cousin who said I can have his, and he’ll say his was lost. Cool, huh?

OK, so, I hit on a girl the other night and it didn’t go well. I had a friend, Bob, who was having a house party. Bob has house parties every Friday, which is weird, because his parents are never there. I’m honestly not sure Bob has parents. There’s always beer, and dancing and music, it’s weird. Anyways, there’s this girl that I’ve liked for a while now, so I talked to her. I walked up to her and said “Let’s go on a date. I’m D. Hi… I’m D. You’re Amber. Hi. Amber, I think we should go on a date. I’d like to take you to dinner.” Toph, what the fuck was that? I’ve never been so nervous in my life. She said no. She said I was cute and sweet, but that she wasn’t ready to date. I said, OK, cool. When she’s ready, let’s get together. Apparently, she just broke up with her boyfriend. Damnit.

I’m sure most of you don’t realize what a huge step in someone’s life this truly is. Not only hit on a girl, which by the way is a big step, but to get rejected and hold your head high. I definitely think getting rejected can go one of two ways, and the way you handle the reject affects your future poon-getting abilities. D. could have easily become a mess and been like, “Why not? I’m fuckin’ D., bitch.” But no, he played it cool. Guess what happens next? Amber tells her friends, and they think it’s cute. Now they want to date you. Solid. (And, I’m not gonna lie, I kind want to go to Bob’s party…)

I wrote back…

D., Congrats! You just passed your test. And, the fact that you basically have a factory for getting vag at Bob’s, this is going to be easy. You’ve done something that 70% (totally made up percentage) of dudes have trouble with. You hit on a chick, albeit nervously and unsuccessfully, you did well. The next step is to make sure you’re in places that she frequents. This is easy for you, since you can be at school. You have a couple of options here, depending on how you want to play it. You can now try and hook up with her friends (because she definitely mentioned how sweet you were to them), or you can keep working her. I recommend going after her friends, and here’s why… It’s the end of high school, and you and Amber aren’t going to make it. However, if you play this right, you can still hook up with her. Now it’s time to start flirting with one of her friends. If you’re brave, try and go for the hottest one. But, if you’re smart, go for a mediocre one. One that will be a little easier, and will make her jealous. The good part is that the foundation has already been laid out for you, so you don’t have to try as hard. In fact, really all you need to do is smile, say hello, and find out if she’ll be at Bob’s Friday. Ask her if she’d like to go with you, and be awesome. A seasoned vet would fuck the friend, this is too advanced for you. Let’s hold up on Second Base. Maybe we can get some RBIs out of this.

How’s the I.D. coming along?

I believe in you D. Report back on Thursday.

How awesome is this kid? I love my life.

I guess it’s been a  well over a year ago now, huh? Oh, you don’t know what I’m talking about. Well, let’s start at the beginning, then.

About a year ago I was writing an AskToph, and going through the AskToph mailbag, when I saw an email that inspired me. The subject “Teach Me.” I opened it, and read what was inside. I’ll paste that email here.

Toph. Hi. You don’t know me, but I’ve been following your blog for a long time now. I am in high school, and am graduating soon. I have been accepted to college and I think I’m going to major in communications, since it’s easy and girls always major in that. Here’s why I’m writing. I’ve had minimal success with girls. It’s not because I’m ugly, I just have no game. I get nervous, and I don’t know what to say. I’ve read your blog diligently, it’s like another class for me, and the success I have had is due to your wisdom. So, my question is will you teach me more? You don’t have to, and I’m sure I’ll figure it out on my own, but it’d be awesome if you did. This is gay, I know, but I think you’ll do it. Why? Because if I’ve learned anything about you it’s this. You’re arrogant. You’re now married. And, the chance to get some kid laid would be awesome. So, will you do it?

Making it happen since ‘92.

-D.

I almost started crying when I read this. I didn’t respond immediately, because he’s right, it’s gay. But, I couldn’t help but to want help this kid out. After all, look at what I’ve done for Christian in such a short period of time. The chance to mold a young mind into greatest was just too good to pass up. So… I responded.

D., Challenge accepted… Your first assignment begins tonight. First, there are a few rules that you must accept.

1. You will report to me every Monday and Thursday via email.

2. You promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. If you succeed, I will know. If you fail, I will know. I am your diary, and you’ll tell me everything.

3. You never reveal anything more to be about you other than D., and every girl’s name and every piece of info about you will be changed. And, no one, including me will know your identity.

4. All of this will end up on TophSpeaks.

If you agree, then tonight’s mission is simple. Go out tonight, and hit on one chick. That’s it. Report back to me about the events by Monday, and we’ll go from there. One more thing, D, you have 2 weeks to get a fake I.D. Otherwise, it’s going to get really boring, really quickly.

Did D. accept? Of course he did. So, get ready to start meeting my young padawan, D. Over this past year he’s taught me more than I could ever teach him (hahaha…). I have still yet to meet him, see a photo of him and I don’t know anything about him other than he rules. The kid does everything and anything. He changes the name of his school, and he makes up all the details. I will share our emails, his reports and his homework assignments. Of course, this is an ongoing project, and is still happening now. Before I shared his life with all of you I had to make sure this was legit, and actually get my blog back.

It’s time to get excited…

(By the title, I bet you thought I was going to talk about my penis, huh?)

Hello skillets. So, I’m still trying to sort out what else I should be writing about, and I’ll sort it out soon. But, I know that writing is a big part of what you’ll get from me. So, here’s some new music to download and check out. At least, new music that I’ve been listening to. You should, too.

Click the band name for the iTunes link.

We Were Promised Jetpacks – I really like these guys from Scotland. I’ve introduced you guys to another Scottish band, Frightened Rabbit. First song I heard from these guys was Conductor, which is pretty great. It was one of those days that I got lost in iTunes. Dibs was asleep, and I was going from “Other listeners also bought this” on and on, eventually landing at these guys. Have a listen… I think you’ll enjoy it. Songza

Wakey!Wakey! – Ugh, I’m so ashamed to tell you where I heard this guy, but fuck it, I heard him while watching One Tree Hill. WHAT?!?! Well, congrats. Consider yourself a close friend, since only they know about my strange addiction to that show. Regardless, they play some bitchin’ music. He’s got an EP out now, but I’m sure an album will be rushed out, which will likely suck. Anyways, check out Brooklyn. Songza

Shout Out Louds – YAY! I love these guys. I’m not sure how I found them, but I’ve been listening to them for a bit now. If you follow my twitter @tophmiller2 you may have seen me twat these guys. I think I could listen to Very Loud over and over again. I like both their albums Howl Howl Gaff Gaff (where Very Loud appears) and Our Ill Wills (great album). Here’s a shitty version of Very Loud – Songza

The New Pornographers – Welcome to 2005. Whatever. A friend of mine has been telling me to listen to these guys, plus lead singer A.C. Newman’s solo shit for a while now. I finally listened to him, and am thankful. You should follow my lead and give these guys a shot. They roll with a lot of instruments and Neko Case is one of the other lead singers. She’s badass… they’re badass. Trust. Songza

Happy listening!

Strangely, this is the 2nd “So Long, Beau” post I’ve written… as far as friends are concerned, he leaves a lot. The other one is HERE… but I actually didn’t say so long in that post. Whatever.

Anyways, he’s going to Chile for 6 weeks, and likely won’t come back ever, due to the amount of STDs roaming around in that place.

So… Goodbye, Beau.

Above is Diabla and Beau… Strangely, this was taken on just a regular Tuesday evening…

You can follow him on his journey via his Twitter @beaulebens, I’m assuming. I actually haven’t bothered to ask. I’m a good friend, and I’m currently in the market for a new one… possibly for 6 weeks… possibly longer.

You don’t have to go far to find last year’s Holiday Gift Guide (it’s just 1 page behind this one). I guess that’s what happens when you don’t have a blog for a whole year.

This year it’s all about scaling back, right? We’ll we’re going to try to incorporate a bit of a budget this year, but really I’m going to talk about what’s cool.

To make it easy, let’s just keep the same template I used last year and the year before, which was – No Brainer gifts, and must-haves for him, her and the kids.

Merry Christmas!

No Brainer Must-Haves

Amazon Kindle – Seriously, the Kindle rules. Everyone I know who has one just raves and raves about it. I might just say that it’s the must have gift of the season at $259.

iPod Nano with Nike+ – (I know that’s an old Nano, but come on… do you blame me?) If you don’t have it already, ask for Christmas. I did. Nike+ tracks your runs and gives you all sorts of data about it. Apparently, I read in Wired that Nike+ actually encourages average runners to run more, because they’re actually interested. Plus, the Nano now shoots video. I picked on up for Diabla, and it’s pretty badass. Nano’s start at $149 and Nike+ is around $29.

Beatles Rock Band – I really want Beatles Rock Band. I mean, who doesn’t, right? Have you seen the play list? It’s incredible. Buy this for me… now. Game is $49.

Must-Haves for Her

J Crew Sweaters – Girls love sweaters, right? You can’t go wrong with some simple sweaters from J Crew. Prices vary.

Diamonds in the Blue Box – Works every time. Just identify the one piece of jewelry she doesn’t have, and buy it. It’s simple. Fucking Expensive.

Restoration Hardware Luxury Plush – This shit just looks awesome. I’m going to stuff Diabla’s stocking with those booties… and my D.

Victoria’s Secret Shit – So, Dibs ordered these “Long Jane” PJs the other day, and they’re hot. You shouldn’t buy her lingerie, because you just bought her a bunch for Thanksgerie, right? RIGHT?

Must-Haves for Him

GameFly Subscription - I mentioned this in AskToph, and I still like it. A year subscription to GameFly would rule.

Early 90’s HipHop Collection – Let’s say you open a gift, and you find new versions of The Chronic, Doggystyle, Eazy-Duz-It, AmeriKKKa’s Most Wanted, All Eyez On Me, etc… A full collection of the greatest rap albums ever. You’re telling me you wouldn’t go nuts?

Jeets Autographed Ball – Is it just me that wants this? Oh, ok. Well instead, get him a personalized Louisville Slugger. I still look at my Louisville Slugger I got in Kentucky and think, “this rules.”

R2-D2 Trash Can – Dear Diabla. Please put this under the tree. I love you.

Ninja Star Coat Hooks – And, then wrap these up next to R2-D2, and I will be the happiest boy in the world!

Must-Haves for the Kids

Star Wars LEGOs - Um, what kid (or me) wouldn’t want Star Wars LEGOs?

Nintendo DS – It’s really all my niece talks about. Well, this and the iPod Touch.

Transformers – You really can’t go wrong with Transformers. All boys love them, and they’re not too expensive.

And for tween girls? Fuck if I know… New Moon shit? Selena Gomez? Who knows what they want, besides teen angst.

I also told PigSpigot I’d mention them in my Holiday Gift Guide, so here’s a LINK to them. I guess they’re greeting cards or some shit.

Have a wonderful Christmas everyone. Make lots of love to everyone you see.

Late.