Welcome to April!

If you look up hot Asian whose name I can’t say 5 times fast in the dictionary, you’d find Ryu Ji Hye.

Basically, she’s a hot Korean chick, who has a shitton of photos.
Not my first choice for Skillet of the Month, mind you, but I seem to be the only person who thinks Carey Mulligan is hot.

Whatever… enjoy our first Asian Skillet of the Month.

(Open in a new window…)

What a day, right? It’s Friday, we have a job… and we have shit to do. I will say this, to all my friends and readers, I’m sorry that you guys have never experience me high. It’s truly a sight to see. So, to the handful of you that have had the chance to see this live… You’re a lucky handful of people.

Onto the questions…

Evan in Long Island – I like this girl. Dude, she is the hottest chick I have seen. She has great tits, a tight ass, a flat stomach and amazing hair. I want to let my peen marinate in her. I just want to stick it, finish and stay there hoping that my jizz and her lady juice act as a glue that holds my peen in there forever. Problem, though, she has a lisp. I cannot stand to hear her talk. I just don’t understand lisps. Can she not hear what we all hear? Does she not hear how the rest of sound? What is up with that shit, man? This could be a dealbreaker.

–Evan, you’re a tard. If you’re lucky enough to find a girl with a lisp you hold on for dear life. You truly have not experience a blewjob until you’ve had one from a chick with a lisp. Look at me dude. You want to hold onto her tightly. I don’t know if they’re just looser with their mouths, or are more aware of their teeth, but they do that shit right. Trust.

Kurt in San Diego, CA – Hey Toph… You’re in Vegas a lot… I’m throwing a bachelor party, and wanted a rundown of what you thought.

–Oh, Kurt… I want to high five you right now. In 26 AskToph’s no one has ever asked me this. Alright, alright, alright. First of all, stay on the strip. I hear that Aria is amazing, but I haven’t been there yet. So, the Bellagio is probably the best way to go. Hit the blackjack tables for a bit, just to get warmed up and have some cocktails. In terms of dinner, I’d hit up Simon at the Palms Place. Don’t order anything like steak, or really anything heavy. Just get a bunch of appetizers and cocktails. Trust me, the biggest mistake people make in Vegas is eating a ton of food. It goes wrong every time. Request the back room, though, OK? You can basically take it over and be loud and obnoxious. Before dinner, have everyone meet at Rojo Lounge. It’s really chill, and is a nice meeting spot. After dinner, (make sure you have a late dinner, by the way) get a car and head over to the Rhino. The first night needs to be strip club night. This way everyone has plenty of money, and can buy the bachelor plenty of dances. After you’ve exhausted his lap, the night is yours, if you’re still alive. Truthfully, it should be around 3am at this point.

Day 2 eat a big breakfast at a buffet. Seriously, I love Vegas buffets. I usually work during the day in Vegas, so my advice here isn’t great. When we went for Ryan’s birthday we hit the pool, then went shopping and rode the roller coaster. We also did some gambling, of course. I’d meet up at the Caesar’s sportsbook to do some betting on games, and eat there. Make sure to call and get table service at XS. I’m going to say it again, it’s the best club in Vegas right now. You have to get table service, there are just too many dudes. Make sure everyone is in, and will pay for the table. After the sportsbook, go back and have a nap, shower and meet in the lobby. I don’t recommend dinner tonight, really. You ate a huge breakfast on purpose, and then ate at the sportsbook. Tonight your dinner is vodka.

Now, what you do after that is really up to you guys. You have options like going to a different club (I can only handle one), back to the peelers or you can gamble more. Let me tell you what I’d do. At this point, you and your friends have dropped an unbelievable amount of money, right? My friends and I have a bit of a tradition we call, “White Trash Gambling.” Gold Coast, across from the Palms, next door to the Rio, has the cheapest gambling ever. I’m talking about $5 blackjack, $1 craps and so on. You can also be a complete drunken idiot here, and no one cares, because they need your money. It’s always an incredible time, because we’re always so wasted.

On day 3, get the fuck out of Vegas. Do not pass Hard Rock, do not collect $200. OK, maybe pass Hard Rock.

B***** in Washington DC – Should we really respect women?

–Meh…

Steve in Dallas, TX – What do we do without fantasy football?

–Fuck if I know, man. Maybe we go to Vegas with that Evan guy?

Quac – Oakland, CA – Wassup man. So, I work in the office and there’s this little Asian chick that’s just fucking hotter than wasabi and she wears the sluttiest outfits all the time. But her boyfriend’s an Oakland cop. How do I work this out? And my coworker, Al, said he wants in if it happens. Do I let him work it out?

–The good news, Quoc, is that there’s about a million slutty Asian chicks in San Francisco. Unless she signs a contract saying that she’s not going to tell her cop boyfriend, I wouldn’t stick it. Of course, I would convince Al that he has a shot. Then, when the cop boyfriend kills Al, and goes to jail, you can stick her all. fucking. night. You’re welcome.

Brandon in Philly, PA – Toph, every single girl I meet that is our age now is homely and unattractive and fat and wears too much makeup. It’s not really a question, more of a “what the fuck?” Which, I guess, is a question.

–The problem with chicks at around 25 is that they don’t understand that their metabolism slows dramatically, their hormones cause their faces to break out and they have to try 20 times harder to not look homely.

Ladies, this is for you. You need to do some cardio. You need to run, eat smaller meals more frequently, head to the dermatologist and walk the line between slutty and homely. OK? If you need help, let me know.

Lastly, a friend of mine just told me this… I’d like to think I’m a good guy, but I really don’t know…

“When I ask you questions, before I believe the answers I have to ask myself what’s in it for you if you lie to me.
If I can think of anything, I don’t believe you.
And even sometimes I’m still wrong.”

Late.

Man, sorry I’ve been out for a while, but sometimes real work has to be done, and I ended up spending the week golfing at SES in San Jose. Anyhow, we’re trying to catch up here at Tophspeaks (company of 2), and to do that you need your Skillet of the Week. This week is the lovely and talented Lee Hyori. Who is she, besides an Asian filler to keep Ray off my back? I mean, I wanted to write about how amazing the High School Musical 2 Sing-A-Long was, but then you’ll think I’m an idiot. Sorry, but Ashley Tisdale is just that hot. I guess we should focus on Hyori (however you pronounce that), who is she the biggest pop-star to hit Korea. I’m not actually sure that’s saying much. When was the last time you jammed out to Korean pop music? Or, the last time you seduced a lady by showing her your latest in Korean dance moves? Man, I’d love to learn some awesome Korean dance moves. I should try becoming a Korean pop star. What the hell am I even talking about? Just go to her Wiki or check out her photos below.

Jarah is hot. Well, I guess you knew that though, didn’t you? I mean, what’s a skillet if it’s not hot? As you all know, when it comes to Victoria’s Secret, I am Ambrosio through and through, but I wouldn’t kick Jarah is right up there. There are a lot of misnomers about Jarah, that I feel I should clear up. First, she’s not the first Asian Victoria’s Secret model. Not that I know who is, I just know how to read the Wiki. Secondly, she’s not French, which some idiots thought she was. Apparently, there was a magazine misprint, which said she was French. She is, however, a mix of Hawaiian, Chinese and Korean. What ever that means is beyond me. Basically, what you do need to know is that she is hot, and I’m finally voting in an Asian for Skillet of the Week. I hope you have enough pictures below to make you happy. Enjoy.

Past Skillets – Nikki Sanderson, Beck Newton, Alessandra Ambrosio, April Scott, Maria Sharapova, Raven Riley

I feel like there was a time in my life, maybe circa 1999 – 2001 when Filipina girls were all the rage. If you were a White guy without a Filipina you were way behind the curve. I remember it just happened, like a tornado of sorts. I woke up one morning, and suddenly I was in the middle of Yellow (or Olive) fever. I quickly joined the cracker masses, and dropped my Lacoste wearing, headband having girlfriend to find me a nice little Filipina. The best part was that once you found one of these mystery Asians, you could guarantee they would want you. It was a known fact that Filipinas loved white guys. I’m not even sure what prompted them to do so, but they just loved white guys. It didn’t even matter what type of white guy you were, either. They loved the rap-cracker, the nerd, the douche, me, they loved us. They also had the added benefit of being tiny with rather large knockers. They looked like Anime, which I’ve never been into because it’s fucking stupid, but in real life form. Add their sexy cartoon looks to their already tight little bodies, and it was kitchens. They were able to do things that white girls could only dream of. Specifically, they were able to “service” their man, text message like a son of a bitch, and they were math animals. I’ve never seen a group of chicks throw down on some algebra like that in my life. It was like they all knew exactly what equaled X before the question was even asked. It was so freaking hot, because I was more of a History guy, and they would teach me about the X. I’ve never been so turned on by formulas in my life. What made them especially skillet was that they wore next to nothing all the time. They hated clothes, and loved making Miso Soup. They would do it anywhere possible, and especially love doing it at the mall right after shopping at Wet Seal. To this day I wished White chicks dressed like that, but they don’t. They can’t pull it off. Every time I see Hello Kitty I get boners, you know what I mean? There was one Filipina who could twirl a pen through her fingers at rapid speeds. I think I might be talking about Bea, but I don’t care. It was hot! Everything these little chicks did was hot.

Then suddenly, they were gone. I suppose we all moved on, really. Some of us went to Chinese chicks and settled down, others White, and others Black, or me with Latinas. The point is the Filipina revolution was over. I’m not quite sure where they all went, but 2002 was a bad year for them. They basically fell of the sexual map. Sure, you can find some of the leftovers at Hot Import Nights, or some shit like that, but as a whole it’s over. The dominance just couldn’t hold on. Where did they go wrong? Maybe it was just a fad, like when I was so in love with chicks from Russia (1996). It did last a while, but now I can only name 2 Filipina’s and they’re sisters. Everyone else is Chinese, Korean, or some other form of Asian. Was it a Texas thing? Is that the problem? Did I move the wrong place by coming here? Lord knows Filipina’s wouldn’t be caught dead in Chinatown, right? Are they a suburban race? Is that why there was a massive population of Filipinas in Mesquite, TX? Well, the point is I miss them.

Wherever you are Filipina’s I hope you’re having fun. You made 1999 – 2001 worth living, and I owe a lot to you ladies. Thanks for the memories.

Somehow, Glamour magazine gets delivered to my door every month. I’m not sure how, but I think it has something to do La Diabla (how’s that Jon?) trying to understand the American ways. There was a top 10 poll recently on the Sexiest Bodies in the World. I couldn’t help but to think it was completely wrong. They must have surveyed all chicks, or people from 5 years ago. I showed it to my friend, Christian, and he laughed in its face. He then set it on fire, and started cursing the skies. It was fucked up, but warranted. It’s time to update it. First, I’ll give you the Glamour list, and then I’ll give you Christian and I’s conversation.

Worst List Ever

1. Scarlett Johansson
2. Jessica Alba
3. Gisele Bundchen
4. Jennifer Aniston
5. Angelina Jolie
6. Mischa Barton
7. Rachel Bilson
8. Beyonce
9. Jennifer Lopez
10. Kelly Brook

Here we go…

10. April Scott
9. Eva Longoria
8. Kate Beckinsale
7. Elisha Cuthbert
6. Vanessa Marcil
5. Evangeline Lilly
4. Halle Berry
3. Adriana Lima
2. Rachel Bilson
1. Marisa Miller

And here’s how we came about the decisions…

Toph
11:05
Hey
Where you at?

Christian
11:06
I’m here

Toph
11:06
Sweet… okay. Let’s start at number 10.
We’re excluding porn chicks, by the way…
no raven or kate… it’s just not fair

Christian
11:07
true
Ok.
Number ten…

Toph
11:08
April Scott is amazing

Christian
11:09
Not famous enough
Don’t even know who she is

Toph
11:09
do they have to be famous? you didn’t know kelly brook… it’s hottest body in the world competition.

Christian
11:09
oh…right
How about Biel?

Toph
11:10
she’s awfully manish… but she is tight

Christian
11:10
Her shit is really tight

Toph
11:11
Okay… we’ll pencil her in for 10

Christian
11:12
Vanessa Marcil might be good on the lower half, too

Toph
11:12
Yeah, but 9 is kind of mean, isn’t it?

Christian
11:12
is it?

Toph
11:12
I was looking at Eva

Christian
11:13
I like that pic

Toph
11:13
which one?

Christian
11:14
I meant “pick” not “pic”

Toph
11:14
oh… eva it is
Alright… number 8
you know whose body is amazing… kate beckinsale… plus, she’s british
makes it “worldy”

Christian
11:15
ehhhhh

Toph
11:15
she was the vampire chick…

Christian
11:16
Ok..that picture works for me

Toph
11:16
hahaha…
moving on to #7

Christian
11:18
#7
Halle Berry needs to be in here somewhere

Toph
11:18
as number 7?

Christian
11:18
Well, you’re saving all these top spots…and we’re going to run out of places

Toph
11:19
we have lima, miller, bilson, ambrosio… we have room
even jenn sterger from SI

Christian
11:20
I don’t like Ambrosio

Toph
11:20
jessica alba

Christian
11:20
She’s number 11

Toph
11:20
hahaha
hottest bodies!

Christian
11:20
aka….not on the list

Toph
11:20
sophia bush

Christian
11:21
what about dudes?!?!?!

Toph
11:20
you’re killing me…

Christian
11:22
Doesn’t Alyssa Milano make it in?

Toph
11:22
we’ll see… it’s lunch time.

Christian
2:44
sup
so, funny you bastards walked by when you did

Toph
2:44
yeah?
where were you going?

Christian
2:45
interview

Toph
2:45
with wells fargo?

Christian
2:45
I was on a phone interview, going to another interview
yahoo again

Toph
2:45
i’m glad we walked by calling you a fucker. must have been sweet for the interview.

Christian
2:46
i know, thanks for that.
And I wanted to stop and chat with you and then all of a sudden I remember that I was listening to someone talk on the phone who I was supposed to be interviewing with

Toph
2:47
i kept telling them that i thought you were on a phone interview…

Christian
2:47
i totally was

Toph
2:47
sweet… we sound like fucking girls… Let’s finish the list…
where were we?

Christian
2:48
7

Toph
2:48
okay…
10. jessica beil
9. eva longoria
8. kate beckinsale

Christian
2:49
who is growing on me, by the way

Toph
2:49
she’s really hot
did you see click?

Christian
2:50
yup

Toph
2:50
she was so hot in that

Christian
2:50
yes she was
Anywho
Elisha Cuthbert?

Toph
2:52
so, for 7, i’m looking at X-tina, Milano…
but, she’s good

Christian
2:52
Milano/Xtina is good
Not sure which
Milano might be getting old, though I hate to say it
But Xtina’s kind of gross looking sometimes

Toph
2:52
yeah… and her stomach looked off in that bikini photo
she is…
i’m thinking we go with cuthbert

Christian
2:53
done
Plus, she’s banging a hockey player…that puck-fucker’s gotta keep her in shape

Toph
2:53
it’s true… even without teeth
and that scene from old school… so good

Christian
2:53
precisely… i got boners

Christian
2:53
#6
Jaime Pressly?

Toph
2:54
for number 6?

Christian
2:54
Or can we not do her because she’s preggers

Toph
2:54
you don’t want her #1 then?

Christian
2:54
no way, Jose
She’s not #1

Toph
2:54
even if she’s preggers?

Christian
2:55
That’s personal preference. I’m trying to be objective

Toph
2:55
Right…

Christian
2:55
Can Simpson be on the list, based on tits alone?

Toph
2:55
maybe… she’s gotten fat since john mayer.
we could go with vanessa marcil or penelope cruz…

Christian
2:56
No Penelope
She’s too on and off again

Toph
2:56
fine

Christian
2:56
Marcil it is

Toph
2:56
and her name sucks
penelope?
that’s just stupid

Christian
2:56
Maybe not…
Don’t you think it would be fun to say you were banging a chick named Penelope in real life?

Toph
2:57
not penelope ann miller

Christian
2:57
Toph, I’m fucking this incredibly hot chick right now
Oh yeah?
Yeah- get this- her name’s PENELOPE
that shit’s hot

Toph
2:57
Penelope ann miller?

Christian
2:57
Ann Miller is a hot name, too

Toph
2:57
she was amazing in kindergarden cop

Christian
2:57
So was Arnold
Can he be #1?

Toph
2:58
the phamp video alone
i mean, shit

Christian
2:58
That would be really funny if he was our number one
3. Adriana Lima
2. Marissa miller
1. THE GOVERNATOR?

Toph
2:58
ummm…
let’s get through 5

Christian
2:59
ok
sorry

Toph
2:59
we’ll see…

Christian
2:59
So 6…Vanessa
5?

Toph
2:59
right

Christian
2:59
Halle Berry?

Toph
2:59
thinking….
yes
google that
3:00

Toph
3:00
did you see her in boomerang?
so good

Christian
3:01
yeah, man. I love her thighs

Toph
3:02
okay… #4

Christian
3:02
shit
this gets tough

Toph
3:03
yes it does…

Christian
3:03
Marissa/Lima/ who else is in the running for tops?

Toph
3:04
lima, miller, alba, aniston

Christian
3:04
Aniston doesn’t get it

Toph
3:04
not even with her nips?

Christian
3:04
I don’t think her shit’s that tight anymore
I’ve never seen her nips

Toph
3:05
not even in every friends episode?

Christian
3:05
I just saw the roundness of her nobs…never the actual nip presentation

Toph
3:05
demoted!!! she’s out
i think jenn sterger should be in here

Christian
3:06
I can’t get with you on the Sterger thing
What about Scarlett?

Toph
3:06
she’s just boobs

Christian
3:06
the problem with that is?

Toph
3:06
it’s hottest body…
head to toe

Christian
3:07
I can’t do it
Sterger just isn’t there

Toph
3:07
okay
jessica alba?

Christian
3:07
Bruce says he would jam her hard

Toph
3:07
which one?

Christian
3:07
Alba

Toph
3:07
who wouldn’t bruce jam hard?

Christian
3:08
he likes that one

Toph
3:08
alba as 4?

Christian
3:08
ok
She’s gone flat though

Toph
3:09
flat?

Christian
3:09
She’s losing her edge
She used to be so voloptuous
now she’s tapering off

Toph
3:09
have you seen the trailer from her new movie?
you hate evangeline lilly don’t you?

Christian
3:11
Bruce just mentioned her

Toph
3:12
i’m sold her for the 4 spot

Christian
3:12
Who’s THAT?

Toph
3:12
evangeline lilly

Christian
3:12
NO!

Toph
3:12
no??

Christian
3:12
It doesn’t even look like her

Toph
3:13
yes it does

Christian
3:13
I’ll go with it
I love her tanned, with wet hair and freckles

Toph
3:13
done
and she canadian… so we’re worldly…
Top 3

Christian
3:14
Raven Riley, Raven Riley, Raven Riley

Toph
3:14
and kate

Christian
3:14
Raven, Kate, Raven and Kate
I say Marissa is 1, Lima is 2, and I don’t know about three

Toph
3:15
lima 3

Christian
3:16
Ok
2?

Toph
3:16
number 2

Christian
3:17
Natalie Imbruglia?

Toph
3:17
Courtney love?

Christian
3:17
Vanessa Rabbit?

Toph
3:18
Jessica Rabbit?

Christian
3:18
fuck
didn’t sound right when it came out
Vanessa Rabbit is her hot cousin

Toph
3:19
with blonde hair?
have you seen Kelly Hu?

Christian
3:19
No

Toph
3:20
no you haven’t seen her… or no!!!

Christian
3:21
You know, I like her
But she doesn’t have the second hottest body in all of the world

Toph
3:21
ummm…
okay

Christian
3:21
Can I vote Toph?

Toph
3:21
it’s a given

Christian
3:22
Roy Hibbert?

Toph
3:22
Imus

Christian
3:22
done

Toph
3:23
Bilson

Christian
3:23
Done
Shit

Toph
3:23
Miller for 1

Christian
3:23
Ok, if Marissa Miller is 1
Can Wes Welker be 1a?

Toph
3:23
in my heart
alright…
let’s double check…
10) Jessica Beil
9) Eva Longoria
8) Kate Beckinsale
7) Elisha Cuthbert
6) Vanessa Marcil
5) Halle Berry
4) Evangeline Lilly
3) Adriana Lima
2) Rachel Bilson
1) Marisa Miller

i could trade jessica beil for kelly hu
OR…
Jarah Mariano… the new VS model…

Christian
3:28
Halle Berry needs to be above Evangeline
And I’m willing to trade Biel out if you are…for alba or Kelly hu

Toph
3:28
okay…
but…
isn’t jessica alba and eva longoria besically the same person?

Christian
3:29
Not at all
Longoria’s better for my tastes because she’s little

Toph
3:30
let’s go kelly hu then eva

Christian
3:31
deal

Toph
3:31
halle berry at 4? and you said no to this girl? http://www.aprilscott.com/gallery/
are you sure?

Christian
4:31
holy moley
she’s like Josie Maran, but hotter

Toph
4:32
and bigger boobs
and younger

Toph
4:32
i think she should replace cuthbert

Christian
4:34
NO!
I love Elisha

Toph
4:34
she must be on the list

Christian
4:35
11

Toph
4:35
we could bump kelly hu…
that takes out our asian flavor…
which will piss off ray
but he moved to hawaii today, so he gets no say!

Christian
3:33
Do it… I may need some alone time in the bathroom for her. Dear god. Wait, when did the Patriots get Sammy Morris from the dolphins?

Toph
3:34
no idea…
where’d you see that?

Christian
3:35
I’m reading an issue of Sports Illustrated that Dan brought me on my bday
i’m REALLY busy today

Toph
3:35
I see that
have you seen the trailer for the american idol girl sex tape? It’s not safe for work. Maybe not safe for home.

Christian
3:36
YES!
Can’t wait

Toph
3:37
how did she not win?
should she be added as #1

Christian
3:40
She’s an asterisk

Toph
3:40
I love sex tapes so much.

Christian
3:40
I know you do…

Christian
3:55
I feel like there should have been more arguments and jockeying for position

Toph
3:56
we did agree on a lot

Christian
3:56
especially for two kids that have opposite appreciation of women

Toph
3:56
right

Christian
3:56
perhaps we just both appreciate the intrinsic beauty of both

Toph
3:56
that’s what i was hoping for

Christian
3:57
Not bad for the first Tang debate though.

Toph
3:57
i can’t say that i’m not impressed…

Christian
3:57
i want to sex all of them

Toph
3:58
and with time we will…

Christian
3:58
I gotta shit now.

Toph
3:58
wipe hard…

Christian
3:58
we’ll see…

My favorite part was the 3 hour lunch. Anyhow, there you go. That’s how two dudes figure out who has the hottest body in the world. Fuck you, Glamour Magazine.

For the longest time I wondered why Asian girls always gave a peace sign when they were in pictures. This has plagued me since the first time I saw an Asian girl in a picture. I’ll never forget that day. I was sitting at my friend Bea’s house and she showed me this picture of her and her family. I was like, “Bea, that’s a really nice picture and… is that a peace sign?” She agreed with me that is was a nice picture. Then, she confirmed that she was in fact giving a peace sign. She couldn’t figure out why, but we put the photo in a frame anyway. It was a really sweet day. This past weekend I was out in San Francisco doing touristy things, as I don’t really know what else to do in the city having not lived here long and all (I swear if I see Fisherman’s Warf one more time I will kill myself), when I noticed more Asian girls doing more peace signs. One of them was looking squarely at me as she delivered the all important peace sign. I got on my phone and called my son, Little Toph, who I haven’t spoken to since I moved away and left him with his grandfather, Pope Benedict XVI, and asked him if he knew what it meant. Being a 5 or 8 year old or how ever old he is plus being half Asian, I was sure he was experienced in peace sign delievery. He told me it’s the international sign for let’s make sex. I, then, asked him if he had seen his sister, Tophita, and he hadn’t. I hung up the phone and quickly approached this cute Asian girl. “So, you want to make gravy noodles, eh?” I said. She looked at me with this weird expression on her face, then started making out with me. We made love right there on the cable car. People were looking at us, tourist were video taping, and all in all it was a great time. Once finished she slapped me, said something in Chinese, and I left. I told her to , and threw a towel at her. It was a mess. The conductor of the cable car was pissed that I took his towel in order for some random chick to . I guess he would have been fine had it of not been some random chick, but that wasn’t the case. I found myself running from the police and had lost the girl forever. I couldn’t help but to think about her special little fingers as I was running through a sea of people with the police chasing me. She was such a nice girl. I’ll never forget those fingers, and I’m certain she’ll be in my heart forever. I got away from the cops, but I’m now wanted for grand theft auto. Yeah, I stole a car. What? So, next time you see a sweet Asian giving you the peace sign. Go and make noodles with her. You’ll thank me later.

If you are one of the many Americans who are worried sick about the Bird Flu coming to America, then you will not want to keep reading what I am about to tell you. I warn you against it, because what is going to be discussed in the upcoming story will frighten you to the bone. The Poon Flu is upon us, and it is coming to a town near you. I never once thought this possible until this morning, when I woke up to start my morning routine, which, by the way, has become a pretty good routine. I wake up and take a shower and shave. Next I put a couple of Pop Tarts in the toaster and open a Dr. Pepper, all the while waking up Ray and Doan. I iron my clothes and turn on the Today show, which I flip to Sportscenter during commercials. Ray and Doan get ready and she takes us to work. This morning, however, was quite different. It was a gloomy, cloudy day. I havent seen a day like this since moving here. It has been fair weather, and sunny. I like that. However, this morning was different. Doan said that Ray had been throwing up last night and that he wasnt going to work. She asked if I minded taking the train into work. She offered to drive me, which I thought was nice, but I declined and headed for the train. I pondered all day about what on earth could have made that young man so sick. Sick enough to where he would be vomiting and as he stated, pissing out of his asshole. Went journeyed back to last night, trying to remember what we had done and eaten. I remembered that Doan cooked Hamburger Helper for us. Usually, that is enough to make any decent human being sick; however, after I went back for seconds I was still fine. Then I remembered that when I went to the bar to watch the Mavs game, they stayed behind for a little sexual relations. When they showed up at the bar, 2 minutes later need you mind, Ray ordered a Sprite claiming that his stomach didnt feel right. I thought nothing of the fact because the game was on and that was way more important to me. Tonight, as Ray laid dying on the couch, Doan and I were trying to figure out what made him so sick. The only thing that he did different from us was give the tasty tongue touch to his lady. I quickly jumped on WebMD and discovered what I thought was happening all along. I felt like I was on an episode of House, but I realized that I have never seen an episode of House so I couldnt really feel that way. There was an acute version in China of what was called Ci Der Rigfkle, which in Chinese means Poon Flu. There was a break out of Poon Flu a few months ago, and men were dying from having their face sat on. Then it occurred to me that Doan went to China a few months ago, and that she must have brought this deadly virus back to the states with her. It takes a while to have the bug go through you and reaches that pivotal Poon Flu status. Therefore, you may not know you have Poon Flu until it is too late. We are not advanced enough to have test for this sort of thing, so it is pretty much hit or miss, and you can forget about a vaccine. We rushed him to the hospital immediately, and he is currently stable in the ICU. Doctors are not sure what is going to happen, but a 100 percent chance of recovery doesnt look good. They say that at the very least Ray is going to loose some motor skills putting him on the level of your average Asian driver. This really concerns me, but what also concerns me is how fast the disease is spreading. Every woman that Doan has come in contact with has the dreaded Poon Flu, and so on and so forth, meaning that when you decide to go under covers for a midnight snack it could be your last. The government has yet to put us on a code black, but we are hopeful to have it at an orange level by the weekend. In 72 hours all women will have Poon Flu, and basically the male species will be gone. Unless you are gay or hate moisture trench diving, but lets be honest, who hates that? I know Im ready to say goodbye forever.

Rumor spreads like wildfire among my friends, and they all want to know what the hell am I going to do come Monday. I’ll catch everyone who doesn’t know up to speed. Friday is my last day here at The Dallas Morning News. There are numerous reasons for my departure, well one main reason, but numerous sounds better. Back to the question, I have given it much thought over the past 2 weeks. I went back and forth. I knew I wanted to be a writer, but I came to realize that you can’t just be a writer. I would have to go to grad school and major in Journalism or even worse, English. That didn’t sound like fun at all. I thought I might continue on my career in advertising and marketing, but alas, I haven’t been able to find any openings. I was stuck. That’s when I found myself at the place I go when I need answers, DFW airport. That’s when I saw my son, Little Toph, handing out flowers. He saw me and tried to run away, but he’s not so fast, the little tyke. I asked him what the hell he was doing dressed as a monk handing out flowers at the airport. Apparently, the reason I haven’t seen him in over a month is because he ran off and became a little monk. (He’s in the picture above. The little one with the sword on the left.) I asked him I, too, could be a monk. It could be something that we did together, as a family. (Just a note, I have no idea where his sister has been. She may or may not be with my Dad, the Pope. This may or may not be a bad thing.) So, I signed up. Starting Monday I am enrolling in Monk School. They have a pretty sweet mascot. It’s a bald Chinese guy wearing a bitchin’ sheet. Apparently, I can’t smoke, drink, or have sex. I also have to give my life to some guy? I don’t know how well that’s going to work out. This sounds worse than the Baptist school I went to my freshman year. OBU FOREVER! At least my frat looks cool. I’m going to like drinking with the chubby one with glasses. They have some kick ass togas, too. I bet the one in the back can keg stand with the best of them. This is pretty much going to rock.

I think it is called “The Great Asian Invasion”. It’s what happens when 2 or more Asian women show up at you door claiming you must take care of your illegitimate child. I don’t recall having that many children, but apparently college was really, really good to me then, and really, really bad to me now. I have heard of paying for student loans for the rest of your life, but this is getting out of hand. I called Little Toph so he could meet his new sister, and made Uncle Walter promise not to eat our new addition. He agreed, begrudgingly. So, I introduced them to our new little one, Littler Tophita. She’s great, but I don’t think she likes me. These children are making me go poor. I had to buy all the things you have to buy when you have babies in the house, a stroller, crib, knife, radio, TV, and one of those things that you strap on and carry the kid around in. Her and I were at the train station when this chick stopped us. She asked if we would be willing to take some photographs for her. I forgot about Littler Tophita, and assumed she meant naked photos. You’d be surprised how many people recognize my package from being a porn understudy. Unfortunately, she wanted both of us. So, we agreed. The shoot was set for the upcoming weekend, so I dressed Littler Tophita in her new pink outfit and we meet the photographer at the scene ( the world famous Howie Le of the magnificent World industry). You can view the photos here. I think they’re pretty damn good. Here’s the catch. Apparently, I am now a world famous model, because it was with this like important photographer. I now have an agent and another career. Who would have thought?