Ok, so technically, this is the second annual Tophie Awards, but last year they weren’t named the Tophies. I have become more creative this year than last year. Was that my ’07 resolution? Maybe. I really don’t remember what it was. (Click here to check out the ’06 awards) We’re going to mix it up this year, so I hope you enjoy. Ladies and gentleman… The Tophies…

Best Supporting Skillet of the Year – This is for the girl who could make a run next year, but she’s just not a big enough name to be award with Skillet of the Year. And the nominees are… Stacy Keibler, Teresa Moore and Minka Kelly… and the Tophie goes to… Stacy Keibler. As much as I wanted to give the award to Minka Kelly she’s just not ready yet. At the very least, she’s gotta break it off with John Mayer forever.

Best Dude that I Hate to Admit is Awesome – Basically, there are dudes that are awesome, and I’m not scared to admit it. And the nominees are… Tony Romo, David Beckham, Derek Jeter and Josh Duhamel… and the Tophie goes to… David Beckham. Again, as much as I wanted Romo and Jeets to win, I just couldn’t do it with a clear conscience. Beckham owns the world.

Worst Celeb Moment of the Year – Pretty self explanatory… and the nominee is Britney Spears… and the winner is Britney Spears.

Skillet Athlete of the Year – We had some good ones this year, didn’t we? And, the nominees are… Missy Gibson (surfing), Allison Stokke (pole vault), Sasha Cohen (does that make me gay?)… and the Tophie goes to… Allison Stokke. Is there any question who was the hottest female athlete this year?

Worst Performance from a Professional Team – So many let downs this year. And the nominees are… The Dallas Mavericks (for the shit they put on the court against the Warriors in the ’07 NBA playoffs), The New York Yankees (getting completely dismantled in the 1st round of the ’07 MLB playoffs) and the Dallas Cowboys (Romo’s fumbled snap to lose in the 1st round of the ’06 – ’07 NFL playoffs)… and the Tophie goes to… They’re all fucking losers! Ugh, I hate my damn life.

Breakout Skillet of the Year – The girl that came out of nowhere to make it happen this year. And the nominees are… Megan Fox (Transformers), Leighton Meester (Gossip Girl), Laura Vandervoort (Smallville). And the Tophie goes to… Megan Fox. Did anyone burst on the scene like she did this year?

Best Gadget of the Year – No question, the Tophie goes to… the iPhone.

Worst Gadget of the Year – Apple TV. Typically, when Apple comes out with something, I pay attention. I couldn’t care less about Apple TV. I think, maybe, it was out a year too soon. Now when I download TV Shows and Movies I feel bad for the writer’s. Thanks, Writer’s Strike of 2007!!

Best New Show of the Year – And the nominees are… Chuck, Gossip Girl and Pushing Daisies. And the Tophie goes to… (can’t believe I’m saying this…) Gossip Girl. I love Chuck, I do, but when it comes down to it, the preppy hotness wins out every time.

Worst New Show of the Year – And the nominees are… Reaper, Cavemen, Carpoolers and Private Practice… and the Tophie goes to… Cavemen. Has there been a more over hyped, awful show in TV? Oh, wait… last years ABC hit Emily’s Reasons Why Not, which was canceled after one show.

Best Fashion Trend on a Lady of the Year – No nominees, just a winner. As stated above, the preppy look is where it’s at. It’s where it has been, but it’s a lot more mainstream now. Thank God for This, This and This.

Worst Trend on a Lady for the Year – The 80′s are back. No, they’re not. Keep these things in the closet where they belong.

18 Year Old Skillet of the Year – No question Hayden Panettiere was the coming of age young hotness of the year. She earned this Tophie.

Asian Skillet of the Year - Again, a category for Ray. And the nominees are, Hyori and Jarah Mariano. And the Tophie goes to… Jarah Mariano. As hot as Hyori is, she doesn’t stand up next to Jarah.

Most Hated A-Hole of the Year – How do these assclowns end up with our ladies?! And the nominees are… John Mazer (Alessandra Ambrosio), Cash Money Warren (Jessica Alba), Nick Jonas (Miley Cyrus), Brian Austin Green (Megan Fox)… and the Tophie goes to… John Mazer. Jessica Alba may be hot, but she is a raging bitch. Ambrosio is just… well… like ambrosia salad. Delicious and sexy.

Worst Skillet of the Year – And the nominees are… Tara Reid, Lindsay Lohan, Bai Ling and Amy Winehouse… and the Toph goes to… Bai Ling. Just gross.

Mail Order Bride of the Year – La Diabla… Yeah… my wife deserves an award. She’s my #1 skillet. She gets a Tophie every night, if you know what I mean…

And now…

The People’s Choice Award for Skillet of the Year – You’ve voted for months, and it finally comes down to this… Your Skillet of the Year is (look to your right, you voted) is Miranda Kerr! She just edges out Alessandra by 5 votes! An unprecedented 496 votes were counted. Thanks to everyone who voted. Here are all the Miranda Kerr Photos and videos you can handle as well as the rest of the top 3.

#3 – Megan Fox –

#2 – Alessandra Ambrosio –

#1 – Miranda Kerr!!!!!! Hallelujah!!!  –

I’m sure by now you’re wondering why there hasn’t been a skillet of the week, and I don’t blame you. However, there are more important things going on this week. Everything that you’ve been expecting is finally true. Soon enough tophspeaks.wordpress.com will turn into tophspeaks.com. Yes, as of last night I am the owner of Tophspeaks.com. This is a big deal for me and my readers as we have finally cemented ourselves in the blogosphere. Currently, everything is now under production and construction, but I will reemerge soon as Tophspeaks.com. I, of course, will keep you alert to all of the goings-on. As you can see HERE, I have a pretty kick ass designer putting it all together. Hopefully, if Ray has enough time on his hands, we’ll be up and running smoothly this week. I’ll leave you with some of my favorite photos from the past few months…

Until then…

I love you.

I hate this guy.  He gets to do that to THIS.

I thought I might blog a bit about nothing at all. I don’t care if you don’t care. I am sex, and you’ll just have to deal with it.

I have managed to piss off a bunch of pre-teens, which is pretty funny. Apparently, there is another Toph running around getting pre-teens panties in a bunch. You can check that out here -Stupid Toph. It’s funny how these kids really believe in Nick Jr. Japanamation. When was that cool? They’ve started coming after me, which is the point to all of this. I do feel sorry for them, because chances of the having sex are pretty slim. It’s kind of sad, really. I’d like to point out my favorite “mean” comment, “Toph is way better then you fool. She will kick your kick your ass. Who will win in a fight between Toph “Blind Bandit” and you? Oh wait, I know the answer to that Toph will kick your ass,” by FreakAboutSims. This all made me feel really good about who I am as a person. I can’t help but to think, “I have sex with real women.” Every time I see one of those comments, I smile and remember that I have never had to pay for sex (handjobs don’t count). It’s a neat thing to be able to do. I also like the insight I received from Koutori, who says, ” Toph is some British slang for a rich person.” Nice job, idiot. I love me some me.

Enough about my war against pre-teens, let’s talk about my impending death. I’m not so much worried about getting my wisdom in tooth form taken out of me as I am about not smoking. La Diabla has invested a generous sum of money in The Patch to get me through it. Not smoking for a week sounds ridiculous. The last time I did that was the week before my 18th birthday. I’ve learned that quitters are losers who can’t finish. So, not only do they want to take away my wisdom teeth, but they also want to take away the thing that makes me cool. I’m not having that. I plan on smoking during the surgery just to show them who’s Toph.

Well, just as I admit that I’m a Yankees fan, they go on to win 9 straight. I’m officially back in Yankees fan hiding. I will not be associated with those bandwagon bastards who apparently said, “I told you so.” Is it possible that the 2 worst things you say to a guy is you throw like a girl and you’re a bandwagon fan. Man, those two phrases sting like the dickens. Like the dickens, I say. So, secretly I am once again hoping the Yankees do well. I love you, Jeets.

I think I’m pretty much done. Next time you hear from me I’ll be a little less wise, and probably not smoking yet. I’m just going to warn you that I’ll pretty much suck. You hear that? Heed the warning, people. I will be unwise, uncool, and boring. Maybe we’ll chance my name to Chris. Sorry, I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry. Toph forever.

I love you. Late. Here are some random photos to get you through the weekend, and possibly Monday.

Good day lovers, and how sexy do we look today? Every morning before I go to work I ask myself one question, “Would I do myself?” If the answer is yes, then I go on my way. If the answer is no, then I fix it. You can’t sit around and feel sorry for yourself all the time. Who cares if no one else would stick you, as long as you’d stick yourself, then everything will be fine. You know what I mean, dumplin? But don’t worry, even if no one else will poke your sweetness, I probably would. I have no standards.

So, my birthday was yesterday. I’m old. Point being, Rani, Ryan and La Diabla put together an amazing weekend back in Dallas. Drunk would be a major understatement. Why am I telling you this? Well, I’m back in SF and the changes are quite different. I went from smoking in the bar, eating lots of meat, and driving to every destination to today. Let me see if I can briefly illustrate the difference between SF and Dallas. This morning, back in SF, I woke up and got to the bus stop (keep in mind, I have a new Jetta sitting at my parents in Dallas). I couldn’t get on the bus because my bus pass was expired by one day. Sweet! I got to go back and scrounge up some change so I could pay to get to work. I have to take 2 buses to work, that’s right 2, but between waiting for the second one I have my morning smoke. My ritual since January of this year had been getting off the 1 bus, and sitting on a stoop and having a smoke. Well, today a placed called Mixed Greens opened. I had been watching the construction and it seemed like a cool place. I’m sitting, admiring the new place, and smoking when a chick comes out and tells me I have to leave. WTF, mate? I asked why, and she tells me, “Well, it’s a Green Place, and vegetarians eat here, so we’re enforcing the 20 ft. rule. That means, no smoking within 20 feet of a door – a sweet rule in San Francisco that makes no sense because how can you actually measure the feet, and who gives a shit. Plus! Last time I check, a majority of vegetarians were hippie bitches who wore hemp, smoke weed and cigarettes, and couldn’t afford a $20 dollar salad. So, I walked to the door, measured 20 ft. and kept smoking. I will do this every day for the rest of my life, because I am a dick to people. Welcome back to San Francisco, Toph.

Now, this is a special edition of Ask Toph. I often get questions from celebrities that I do not tell you guys about. I try to protect their immunity, but then I became a global phenomenon. Now, nothing is off limits. Welcome to Ask Toph the Celebrity Edition.

On to the questions…

Jesse Metcalfe in Waterford, CT – Toph, I have a small peen. What do I do?

– Well Jesse, that sucks, but it’s not the end of the world. There are 2 options that are laid out in front of you, and just depends on the route you’re willing to take. You could date a midget. Think about it, Jess. What an amazing, heroic story you could tell your grandkids. The story of Jesse and the midget. Once upon a time, a young stallion had a small peen. Some say it was the smallest peen in the history of the world. The young stallion was sad, because all he wanted was love. A unicorn with magic came to the stallion and granted him one wish. Did the young stallion ask for a bigger peen? No, he’s not that smart. The young stallion wished for a tiny mustang with little hooves to appear and love him. And so kids, you were born 2 years later. Your mom left me for some guy named Cadillac. The End.
Or, you could just date a chick with tiny hands. Buy beers for the ladies, and see how their hands wrap around the bottle. If she has a hard time with the bottle, then you should be good to know. Always date chicks with small hands. It makes the peen look bigger.

Sandra Bullock in Fort Worth, TX – Happy Birthday, Toph!!!!!!

–Thanks, Dumplins.

Fidel Castro in Havana, Cuba – Toph-how do you feel about Cuban ladies? I mean, I know we’re not on the best terms with the USA right now…and never really have been. But, you’ve gotta give some props to our mamies! They are the hottest in the world! They’re even finer than our cigars. Any chance you can come down here and teach us all the act of being…how do you say…sex? I’ll life the trade embargo for you. Adiso, amigo!

–Hey, Fidel. After 200 attempts you finally get into Ask Toph. So, please, for the love of god, stop emailing me.

Tyrese in Malibu, CA. – Toph- my career is shot, man. The whole Too Fast/Too Furious thing really spiraled out of control. At first, I’m signing up to be in a cool movie with my boy Paul Walker. I’m getting bitches left and right. But, before I know it, I’m in my 3rd installment in the series, it’s fucking called “Tokyo Drift” (I don’t even like Asians), and I’m getting turned down for roles because people are saying that now I’m type-cast as an overly large black guy who can’t act. What do I do?

–Go back to Polo? I don’t know, you banged a lot of chicks back then. Or, you could go the Wesley Snipes/Omar Epps way and do a funny baseball movie. Basically, you need a feel good sports movie to make people like and respect you. Let’s see, Cool Runnings has been done, and so has The Air Up There so let’s rule those out. What about a sports movie based on the world of rugby? You could play a brit who gets into a lot of fights, and drinks a shit load of beers. Cast Claire Forlani or Kate Beckinsale as your love interest, and BOOM – you have a major hit. Shit, that sounds like a great movie.

Paris Hilton in Lockup, USA – Toph! Aloha from my sunny jail cell! Just wanted to know if you could send a poster of yourself for me to put up on the wall? you know…give my cell a little color. It’s so drab and boring in here. I need a picture of you to spice up my life. Hold on…the big lady names “Shakes” is here demanding my cocktail fruit… She’s hot.

–It’s in the mail, sugar.

The Hoff in Tinseltown, CA – Toph- do you like burgers? I fucking love burgers. They’re the best when you’re fuggin hammered.

–I’ve never loved anything more in my life. Let me ask you this, Hoff, do you like Taquitos from Whataburger? I’d say they kick the burgers ass any day of the drunken week.

Lindsay in Rehab, CA – Help………….

–We’re all with you. Let’s hope you get back to Mean Girls hotness.

Ben Affleck in Boston, MA – Remember me?

–Shhhh… I’m watching Casey in Last Kiss, Ocean’s 13, and The Assassination of Jesse James, due out later this year.

Jessica Alba, Rachel Bilson, Alessandra Ambrosio, Natalie Portman, Katharine McPhee, Minka Kelly, Kelly Hu, Vannesa Minnillo, Kelly Kapowski, Becki Newton, Evangeline Lilly, Bea Authur, Vanessa Marcil, Derek Jeter, April Scott in California – TOPH!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!

–Ladies, I know… I love you, too. Wink!

And, for a special treat… Here’s an IM conversation between Jeets and I from this morning.

Jeets
10:02
Toph-on a scale of 1-10, how sex is A-Rod? I want to know what I’m up against.

Toph
10:02
I need a point of reference Jeets.
Who’s a one and who’s a 10

Jeets
10:03
1 being Don Zimmer.
10 being, well, me.
Or Mussina…ladies love moose.

Toph
10:03
i was hoping for chick references

Jeets
10:03
oh
1 being Bud Selig’s wife (no offense, Bud).
10 being Pavano’s ex.

Toph
10:04
Well, C-Piddy’s wife is hot… I would say A-Rod is about a 6.
It’s mainly because of this… Sweet A-Rod

Jeets
10:04
Thanks, Toph. I feel better now.

And there you have it….

Jarah is hot. Well, I guess you knew that though, didn’t you? I mean, what’s a skillet if it’s not hot? As you all know, when it comes to Victoria’s Secret, I am Ambrosio through and through, but I wouldn’t kick Jarah is right up there. There are a lot of misnomers about Jarah, that I feel I should clear up. First, she’s not the first Asian Victoria’s Secret model. Not that I know who is, I just know how to read the Wiki. Secondly, she’s not French, which some idiots thought she was. Apparently, there was a magazine misprint, which said she was French. She is, however, a mix of Hawaiian, Chinese and Korean. What ever that means is beyond me. Basically, what you do need to know is that she is hot, and I’m finally voting in an Asian for Skillet of the Week. I hope you have enough pictures below to make you happy. Enjoy.

Past Skillets – Nikki Sanderson, Beck Newton, Alessandra Ambrosio, April Scott, Maria Sharapova, Raven Riley

I’m not sure how this is Ale’s first time making The Toph’s Skillet of the Week, but all I can say is, “It’s about time.” I can say more than that, but who has the time? Why do we love Alessandra Ambrosio? Well, she’s a ridiculously hot Victoria’s Secrets model. Ale actually just celebrated her 25th or 26th birthday. Um, I’m 25 and I look like shit. She’s 25 or 26 and she looks amazing. Maybe I should hit the gym a little harder? Ambrosio has been very busy lately with appearances in Entourage and in the latest Bond movie. Both were extraordinary. Thank god for Alessandra Ambrosio.