I am. And I speak loudly, about everything. I was trying to find a blog that included everything from hot chicks, sports, entertainment, celeb gossip, sex tapes, and everything about me. Believe it or not this blog did not exist. So, I made it happen. It’s pretty much what I do on a daily basis. I’m fucking Toph, what more do you expect?
A homeless man once told me, he said, “Son, you’s one hip, jive, cracker turkey, hambone.” And I really think that means something. So, I asked him, “Gravy train, whatcha mean by that?” He looked at me, with this look I’ll never forget, and he says, straight faced, I shit you not, “Dumplins and skillets ain’t gots shit on you. You’s all kitchens when everyone else is tryin’ to be livin’ rooms, and ain’t nobody wanna be that.” At that moment I realized that dumplins, nor skillets, have gots shit on me. I am kitchens. So now it’s become clear that damn, clive jr. sr. (the homeless guy) was right, I am one hip, jive, cracker turkey, hambone, and I thank you for that. People Magazine just listed me as the sexiest blogger/clothing consultant/international sex symbol/skillet in the world. It was a high tribute, but not nearly as high as it should be. In a given day I make noodles like crazy. I’ll explain them now. I’ll sign off on a thirty million dollar watch. Noodles. Spice up about ten kitchens. Noodles. Sit ringside at a cockfight in Spain. Noodles. Meet with the President to go over special ops. Noodles. Sail in my stolen yacht. Noodles. See what mean? I make it happen. I’m needed. I’m special. I’m Toph. People ask me, “Toph, how you gonna be so cocky?” Bitch, I gave cocky it’s name. It was called jangles before I was born. I looked at jangles and said, “You are now named cocky.” I can do things like that. I’m glad you’re here. Let’s make gravy.
I’ve got a sweet family. My dad is the Pope and my Mom is a high authority figure who shall remain nameless. I have Asian children all over the world. Angelina Jolie keeps trying to adopt them. It’s just how I roll.
Noodles, bitch.
17 responses so far ↓
1 Sally // Aug 9, 2007 at 3:50 am
Here for the long haul Toph, bring the blogs on…….
2 Paula // Aug 9, 2007 at 5:58 am
I like your ‘toph speaks’ new website. it is totally awesome dude. ahem.
seriously though, it’s thought provoking & entertaining reading. and sometimes a little dirrty. I will recommend it to a friend. now you can’t be sneezing at that
3 Toph // Aug 9, 2007 at 9:18 am
thanks ladies… i’ll make love to both of you for that.
on a side note… it’s nice to see my foreign audience speaking up :)
4 AB // Aug 14, 2007 at 12:57 pm
I am head over heels in love with you skillet.
5 Toph // Aug 14, 2007 at 1:18 pm
i like where this is going…
6 Andy // Oct 10, 2007 at 1:40 pm
Sorry man…you seem like a decent cat, but unlike Andrea I’m not quite at the “head over heels” spot…link up bro
late!
Andy
7 Toph // Oct 10, 2007 at 2:02 pm
no idea what to do with this… but i couldn’t agree more.
8 AB // Oct 10, 2007 at 2:58 pm
I don’t understand how you only have 11% of the vote in the “Skillet of the Year” polls. There must be a problem with your site. You will end up as the winner, right??
9 Toph // Oct 10, 2007 at 3:01 pm
I don’t either… but i’m kicking the asian’s asses.
10 Corey Stewart // Nov 24, 2007 at 1:18 pm
Greatness. I’m not positive, but I’m fairly sure that even if I didn’t start drinking the moment I woke up I’d still be crapping my pants with laughter.
11 Toph // Nov 25, 2007 at 11:20 am
i suppose that’s a good thing.
12 Donika // Dec 1, 2007 at 2:30 pm
I gotta say I love the site. Witty commentary, beautiful women, and great advice for the guys (which desperately need it these days). Wickedly awesome indeed!
13 Toph // Dec 1, 2007 at 2:47 pm
Oh, well thanks, Donika. Look forward to your comments.
14 Thomas // Dec 19, 2007 at 2:45 am
Toph - Congrats! You are the latest link on my blogroll! I’d appreciate a link back, but it won’t be the end of the world if I don’t get one.
Thomas :)
15 Toph // Dec 19, 2007 at 7:22 am
I’d like to thank Jesus and my mom. And you, Thomas… you made this happen.
(I’ll check yo’ shit out… thanks)
16 Stuart // May 12, 2008 at 2:27 pm
Love your website, but I think you need to do a follow-up article on that Lauren Collins girl.
17 Toph // May 12, 2008 at 2:43 pm
thanks, stuart… always nice to hear…
and you’re right… i do need to do a follow-up.
hopefully, i can get to that soon. thanks for the heads up. keep reading.
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