Ask Toph XXVII…

Now that we’ve all settled down over the initial shock of the baby news, let’s bang out a traditional Ask Toph, where you, the disheartened and confused, come to me with your issues. I’m dusting off some of the creepier questions I’ve received over the past year. Shit’s about to get really weird… So, get ready.

Johnny in Miami, FL – I might have had sex with my friend’s grandma last night. Let me explain. So, one of my good friend’s grandma came to visit him over the weekend. Well, she went to bed, and him and I went out (ugh, I know you know where this is going). Anyways, we got back to his place around 3am (god, I hate myself), and I was wasted. Well, I just passed out his place, and I guess we both forgot his grandma was there. I get into bed, and, again, I’m wasted. I guess… fuck. I don’t know what happened. I didn’t realize what was happening till I was spooning her and doing it from behind. When I finished (I couldn’t not finish), I pulled out and left. I haven’t talked to buddy since. Um, what do I do?!?!

–And, welcome to Ask Toph The Creepy Issue! Wow… WOW! What a fucking creeper. Well, let’s tackle the issue. You don’t think your friend’s grandma has told your friend? If she hasn’t, then you definitely should. If one of my friend’s gave my poor grandma a night of sex, I’d thank him. I’m sure my grandma would thank him, too. It’s different than someone doing your mom, right? I mean, this is almost endearing. I think you’re in clear, and your friend will buy you drinks for this. Tell him. Also, if he is ok with it, expect him to tell everyone.

Anonymous – Not in SF, CA – I’d have relations with my brother’s sister if/when the opportunity presented itself. Do you judge?

–Nope. It’s not your sister, it’s your brother’s sister (keep in mind, I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt and assuming there’s a step situation here). Plus, I’d also think he’d be happier about it right? Who better to be with your sister than your brother? (wow.) If you got married she’d be his sister-sister-in-law. Wait, you’d be his step-brother-brother-in-law. How much would your dad and his mom hate planning a wedding together? That would be awkward as hell. If you guys had a kid would he be the uncle-step-uncle-uncle-in-law? How would that even work. What if he has kids, and you have kids, and your kids end up together. What the hell would that make your friend? Dad-uncle-step-in-law? Make this happen immediately.

Mady in LA – Let’s put it this way, Toph, do not try sex on yourself with a hotdog.

–OK.

Pete in Chicago, IL – My girlfriend is thinking about getting vajazzled, should I be horrified? Secondly, how awful of a person am I that I would leave her if she did but really want to get my balls balldazzled?

–In case you can’t look up “vajazzled” at work (then, I’m shocked you’re reading this at work) – Vajazzled is apparently a new thing where chicks are getting their vagina’s Ed Hardy’ed. So, they get crystals around their vagina’s. Maybe you shouldn’t leave her immediately. I mean, if she’s going to go through the trouble to do it, you might as well do her one last time. In fact, if you could set up a strobe light scenario, and maybe add some house music, then it could be like your peen is at the club. You can’t overrate that experience. I think you should wait to balldazzle yourself, though. I feel like with all that dazzling, shit would get too overwhelming and confusing. Speaking of Ed Hardy… How much will people that wear that shit hate themselves in 5 years when that’s over? My only fear is that it’s not over, and has only begun.

Craig in NY – The other night some friends and I went out to some bars in Jersey. Needless to say, I got beat off at one bar by a 51 year old Asian waitress. Is it weird that I want to go back this weekend?

–Not at all. I’m sure my New York readers are wondering what bar you’re talking about.

Molly in OKC, OK – I found my boyfriend’s sex doll, and I haven’t broken up with him yet. What is wrong with me??

–You live in Oklahoma City, and that’s probably the least creepy thing dudes do there. The creepier question would be, “I found my boyfriend’s sex doll, got turned on, made him watch me with her, then broke up with him for her. What is wrong with me??” In that case, we might be able to make a medical journal. Unfortunately, in this case, we just have to chalk it up dudes that live in Oklahoma City.

Anna in Portland, OR – Toph, I’ve been dating this guy for about 6 months. We’ve had sex, and it was good, he’s really nice, and really good looking. I found out last week that a friend of mine went to high school with him… where he was a girl. Between high school and today, he became a guy. Um?

–Um… whoa… How big is his dick? See, that shit just isn’t fair. He gets to pick out his size? Is that how that works? I don’t know. But, if it was, then I’d be pissed. Also, how you gonna have a sex change, and stay in the same city? One minute you’re putting makeup on all of your girlfriends and taking showers with them, the next minute you have a dick that you got to pick out. Seriously, how does that work? Do they give you a dick lineup? Or, is it like dildo shopping? “I’ll take that dick.” “M’am/Sir, that is a 13″ black dick… it wouldn’t match.” “Bitch! I WANT IT.” “It’ll cost extra.”