What a day, right? It’s Friday, we have a job… and we have shit to do. I will say this, to all my friends and readers, I’m sorry that you guys have never experience me high. It’s truly a sight to see. So, to the handful of you that have had the chance to see this live… You’re a lucky handful of people.
Onto the questions…
Evan in Long Island – I like this girl. Dude, she is the hottest chick I have seen. She has great tits, a tight ass, a flat stomach and amazing hair. I want to let my peen marinate in her. I just want to stick it, finish and stay there hoping that my jizz and her lady juice act as a glue that holds my peen in there forever. Problem, though, she has a lisp. I cannot stand to hear her talk. I just don’t understand lisps. Can she not hear what we all hear? Does she not hear how the rest of sound? What is up with that shit, man? This could be a dealbreaker.
–Evan, you’re a tard. If you’re lucky enough to find a girl with a lisp you hold on for dear life. You truly have not experience a blewjob until you’ve had one from a chick with a lisp. Look at me dude. You want to hold onto her tightly. I don’t know if they’re just looser with their mouths, or are more aware of their teeth, but they do that shit right. Trust.
Kurt in San Diego, CA – Hey Toph… You’re in Vegas a lot… I’m throwing a bachelor party, and wanted a rundown of what you thought.
–Oh, Kurt… I want to high five you right now. In 26 AskToph’s no one has ever asked me this. Alright, alright, alright. First of all, stay on the strip. I hear that Aria is amazing, but I haven’t been there yet. So, the Bellagio is probably the best way to go. Hit the blackjack tables for a bit, just to get warmed up and have some cocktails. In terms of dinner, I’d hit up Simon at the Palms Place. Don’t order anything like steak, or really anything heavy. Just get a bunch of appetizers and cocktails. Trust me, the biggest mistake people make in Vegas is eating a ton of food. It goes wrong every time. Request the back room, though, OK? You can basically take it over and be loud and obnoxious. Before dinner, have everyone meet at Rojo Lounge. It’s really chill, and is a nice meeting spot. After dinner, (make sure you have a late dinner, by the way) get a car and head over to the Rhino. The first night needs to be strip club night. This way everyone has plenty of money, and can buy the bachelor plenty of dances. After you’ve exhausted his lap, the night is yours, if you’re still alive. Truthfully, it should be around 3am at this point.
Day 2 eat a big breakfast at a buffet. Seriously, I love Vegas buffets. I usually work during the day in Vegas, so my advice here isn’t great. When we went for Ryan’s birthday we hit the pool, then went shopping and rode the roller coaster. We also did some gambling, of course. I’d meet up at the Caesar’s sportsbook to do some betting on games, and eat there. Make sure to call and get table service at XS. I’m going to say it again, it’s the best club in Vegas right now. You have to get table service, there are just too many dudes. Make sure everyone is in, and will pay for the table. After the sportsbook, go back and have a nap, shower and meet in the lobby. I don’t recommend dinner tonight, really. You ate a huge breakfast on purpose, and then ate at the sportsbook. Tonight your dinner is vodka.
Now, what you do after that is really up to you guys. You have options like going to a different club (I can only handle one), back to the peelers or you can gamble more. Let me tell you what I’d do. At this point, you and your friends have dropped an unbelievable amount of money, right? My friends and I have a bit of a tradition we call, “White Trash Gambling.” Gold Coast, across from the Palms, next door to the Rio, has the cheapest gambling ever. I’m talking about $5 blackjack, $1 craps and so on. You can also be a complete drunken idiot here, and no one cares, because they need your money. It’s always an incredible time, because we’re always so wasted.
On day 3, get the fuck out of Vegas. Do not pass Hard Rock, do not collect $200. OK, maybe pass Hard Rock.
B***** in Washington DC – Should we really respect women?
–Meh…
Steve in Dallas, TX – What do we do without fantasy football?
–Fuck if I know, man. Maybe we go to Vegas with that Evan guy?
Quac – Oakland, CA – Wassup man. So, I work in the office and there’s this little Asian chick that’s just fucking hotter than wasabi and she wears the sluttiest outfits all the time. But her boyfriend’s an Oakland cop. How do I work this out? And my coworker, Al, said he wants in if it happens. Do I let him work it out?
–The good news, Quoc, is that there’s about a million slutty Asian chicks in San Francisco. Unless she signs a contract saying that she’s not going to tell her cop boyfriend, I wouldn’t stick it. Of course, I would convince Al that he has a shot. Then, when the cop boyfriend kills Al, and goes to jail, you can stick her all. fucking. night. You’re welcome.
Brandon in Philly, PA – Toph, every single girl I meet that is our age now is homely and unattractive and fat and wears too much makeup. It’s not really a question, more of a “what the fuck?” Which, I guess, is a question.
–The problem with chicks at around 25 is that they don’t understand that their metabolism slows dramatically, their hormones cause their faces to break out and they have to try 20 times harder to not look homely.
Ladies, this is for you. You need to do some cardio. You need to run, eat smaller meals more frequently, head to the dermatologist and walk the line between slutty and homely. OK? If you need help, let me know.
Lastly, a friend of mine just told me this… I’d like to think I’m a good guy, but I really don’t know…
“When I ask you questions, before I believe the answers I have to ask myself what’s in it for you if you lie to me.
If I can think of anything, I don’t believe you.
And even sometimes I’m still wrong.”
Late.
