I know I should either be talking about the Cowboys amazing victory over the Eagles or the Longhorns unbelievable letdown against the Tide (seriously, can’t we all agree the Curse of Jon is real, and that because of this he’s not allowed to even mention the Cowboys on this site?), and I will, but that’s not why we’re here today.
No, we’re here today because our beloved hero, Derek Jeter is about to make the biggest mistake of his life.
I was reading the paper on the bus today when I saw the news – Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly will be wed on November 5th 2010 (which, would be 2 days after a potential World Series).
This has the makings of the worst decision Jeets has ever made. Not that I’m against marriage, cause I’m not at all (all things considered, I remain happily married), but I just can’t stand beside a Jeets wedding. Jeets, buddy, look at your friend, Tiger Woods. Just take a solid look at the past 3 months of Tiger-madness. Now, look us in the eyes and tell us that this is a good idea. Can you? Look, Jeets, no one is as big a Minka Kelly as me, it’s true (see here). But, do you actually think this thing has a chance? Hell, Jeets, Tiger wants to have a 4way with you, him, Rachel Uchitel and fucking David Boreanaz.
You’re Derek Fucking Jeter. Banging chicks is second only to your sweet flat-top. There’s no possible way that this is going to end well. You don’t think all the waitresses in Tampa Bay are going to talk? How about the chick in Minnesota? Or the one in Baltimore with the voicemails? Are you seriously telling me that the girls you have in Kansas City aren’t going to go public with your sexting?
Think about this? So long Gatorade. The Turn 2 Foundation will become the Bang 2 Foundation. Gillette? Yeah, it’ll be gone.
Once you make the mistake, Jeets, you will be fucked, and not in the weird Tiger fantasy ways (Speaking of which, I’d watch that 4way. Well, maybe replace Boreanaz with Romo, but… uh… I’m just sayin…).
So, here it is, Jeets. You have 10 months to think about this decision. I know you’re going to make the right call. I believe in you.
