First Dates Rule

I haven’t been on a first date in fuckin’ forever. Not gonna lie, there’s something awesome about first dates, too. I mean, so many things have to go right, right? Do you pick her up? Do you meet her there? Will you be more under dressed than she (which likely means to her you’re not interested)? Do you do dinner? Drinks? Hang with friends? Meet the parents? What do you talk about? Yourself? Listen to her? What if she gets something in her teeth? Do you order for her? Pull out her chair? Do the bill dance? Do the no pants dance? Kiss her good night? Ask if you can bang at her place instead of yours? Or in alley (you know who I’m talking to)?

Fuck, first dates are awesome.

But, you can really eff it up. Here’s my top 10 things to not do on a first date (these are from friends and past experience).

10. If you see your ex while on a first date, don’t spend the next 20 minutes chatting with him. Really? How about when I’m doing you tonight you call me by his name? Wouldn’t that be fun for everyone involved?

9. Maybe it’s a good idea to brush your teeth before we get together. Or, when dude comes to get you, maybe it’s a good idea not to smell like garlic (I actually like that smell).

8. If you look at the clock, and you’ve been talking for 10 minutes, you should stop. I had a chick that talked for a solid 20 minutes and had yet to touch her food. Problem was 3-fold. 1a. I didn’t care about what she was talking about. Helping kids in Cambodia? That’s the Cambodian’s job. 2a. I was done eating when she started. 3a. She didn’t put out.

7. Don’t assure the dude that you’re clean and have been recently tested for STDs… at dinner… without being prompted. At least wait till we’re doing it.

6. Also, we don’t need to know how many people you’ve done on the first date. That’s second date conversation.

5. Don’t mention that you’re running out of time for rearing children. My friends say I’d be surprised how often that happens. If a chick tells you that, how many condoms are you putting on when you do it? 6? 7?

4. Don’t tell me about when you were a model. Bitch, you’re not one now. I once had a girl spend the whole night talking about her modeling career. It ended when she turned 9. She was 18 on our first date. I stuck it, but never returned her calls to my dorm room machine.

3. Don’t just let me pay the bill. How I Met Your Mother is a good show, and reminded me of this time I got pissed at this chick for not even acting like she was going to pay half the bill. I don’t know why this bothers me so much. We’re not going to make you pay. You know it, I know it. At least pretend that you’re going to pay. Also, don’t get pissed when I do pay the bill. I once had a date who was furious that I paid the bill. No one will want to date you, lady.

2. I honestly can’t decide if this is good or not, but maybe it’s not the best idea to pull me into an alley and tell me to stick it right there on the first date. I say it’s effin’ gold, but my friend seems to think it was a bad idea. Granted, he’s right, how many other dudes has she done this to? But, also, how many dudes hasn’t she done this to? My argument is how many chances do you get to go free willy into a chick in a seedy alley? Probably not many. His argument is that’s definitely something for the second date. He’s right. Doing it sans condom in an alley with a skirt lifted is definitely second date territory.

1. I’ll let her tell you who she is in the comments if she likes, but my friend wins the What Not to Do on a First Date Award… hands down. Take it away, friend…

I did some crazy shit once on a 1st date.
I was unemployed, depressed as hell, but somehow managed to score a date with this beautiful guy from New Zealand.
I was nervous as hell and had a few drinks at dinner, then we go to Dave and Busters
and I run into my crazy friend and her Spaniard fiance, and she and I start drinking
heavily.
I ended up getting so drunk I fell off my stool while playing a game, and they 86′ed me and banned me from D&B.
Never saw the kiwi again, obvs
I went home with my friend and puked that night and the next morning.
Then I went home – still drunk – and realized I had a 9 am appt with my therapist
who was always saying she was concerned I was an alcoholic.
I spent the next hour trying to act sober.

Yeah… um, definitely don’t do that.