I figured the best way to kick off the blog to redemption was to do an Ask Toph, right? Believe me, if you could see the TophSpeaks inbox you’d be like, “whhhhhat?” Yeah, it’s that out of control. Let’s see if we can’t fix what’s been ailing you since… wow… December 11th, 2oo8…
Let’s get to it.
Mandy in Chino, CA – Hay Tophy, my boyfriend loves stupid sports, and I hate them. Sports are dumb, but I love him. Any advice you can give??? MUAH!
–Mandy, you are dumb, but that’s not for me to judge, because you’re probably hot (all my female readers are). Ladies, we’re not asking for much when it comes to watching sports. Really, there are 4 types of women when it comes to sports:
1. The girl who truly enjoys sports, maybe not all sports, but at least one. She can talk about the disadvantages of the Wildcat Offense, why the DH ruins baseball or that the 3point line should be extended. She’s cool, and if she’s hot, she’s amazing.
2. The girl who will watch the big games, and supports our fandom. We really like you. You look so hot in your Cowboys shirt, you’re cute when you yell for Jeets and my god, I love when you toss back and beer and a dog at the Mavs game. This girl admits that she’s not a big sports fan, and prefers going to the games rather than watching it on TV. We still like you a lot.
3. The girl who’d rather watch Sex in the City than watching anything sports related. We’re cool with you as long as you “get it.” Don’t bitch when we’re going to the bar to watch a game, and we’ll be okay. Don’t be pissed because we’re going to watch a meaningless game instead of watching Desperate Housewives, and we’ll be happy. Cross that line, though, and we’ve got problems. Like, get-out-of-my-life problems.
4. The absolute worst of them all? The girl that pretends to LOVE sports, just so she can get attention. I have met this girl. I hate this girl. I’d rather sit below a crippie-tard at a windy Mets game while he eats peanuts (aka… dumps them on me) than date this girl. This girl should be punched in the mouth.
Mandy, you’re sitting at #3. You have a choice here. You can play it safe and not bother him during games, or you can go buy a sexy vintage team shirt, and cheer for the team that matches you. It’s your choice, sister.
Chuck in Grand Rapids, MI – Sap, Toph. Where you been man? What the eff happened to you?
–Ugh, let me see if I can explain it. So, we used to be on DreamHost, which despite its name, is not a dream. It was slow, it was constantly down and it was, well, slow. Keep in mind that Ray hosts my site, along with many other sites. My site, with the 5 years of Skillets and other large files, is massive. During the export my shit got fucked up. Like that descriptive explanation? Well, it’s true. It all looked normal, except that everything but the text was stripped away.
The other issue was that a lot of the code on TophSpeaks got screwed up, too. So, I could no longer do galleries, or tags, or categories. We tried over many months to fix it, but nothing seemed to work. About this same time I became completely busy with work and didn’t have to time to dedicate to writing. When I got home the last thing I wanted to do was get on the computer. So, that was pretty much it.
I guess it was about 2 months ago I started to get the itch again. Figuring it would be a while before we were able to restore TophSpeaks.com, I decided to buy TophMiller.com and have it replace TophSpeaks.Wordpress.com. So, I’ve been “restoring” TophSpeaks for about a month or so, and basically finished yesterday. Today I redirected TophSpeaks.com to it, and once I get everything completely restored I’ll, well, I don’t know what I’ll do.
You’ll notice we’re still missing some stuff, and I don’t know if I’ll bring it back (Skillets?). But, as far as being back, here I am.
Steve in LA – Toph, I need advice. I’m dating this chick. For anonymity sakes, let’s just say she goes to a Southwest university, and I met her here in LA where I live. I like her a lot, and I even went to visit her. Nothing really happened till the third night when we got completely sauced. We start making out and I’m doing things to her that would make her daddy cry, right? Just as I’m pulling off her unmentionables, she stops me and says, “I’m a virgin.” WHAAAAAT!? Bitch, look at my boner! She says she wants it to be special on her first time. Um, more special than me flying all the way from LA? Anyways, she goes to sleep a bit later, and I rub it out in the bathroom. I really want to take her virginity, Toph, but I’m worried she’s going to be all clingy and shit. But.. I mean, she’s a 21 year old virgin, dude.
–Congratulations, Steve, for the longest question ever. My god, man. You could have said, “Virgin. 21. I want to stick it. Help.” But, don’t worry, Steve, I can help. First of all, 21? That’s pretty old. She can already get into bars. Old. Secondly, you only have one chance to steal childhood hopes and dreams with your D. This is that chance. Get on a plane, sex that vag and throw a towel at it. Lastly, she will not be all clingy to you. Dude, you live in Los Angeles. You think after you bust it, she’s just going to sit around at The University of Southwest Dudes, and wait for you to return? Come on… 2 weeks tops before she’s neck deep in peen. Unleash the beast, man. I believe in you.
Mary – Jackson, MI – Mister Toph, listen here. I’m a good Southern Girl. Raised Baptist. But I have this problem. When I’m sittin’ in church, all I can do is think about sex. It’s crazy. I just sit there with my hands in my lap and look around the room at all the menfolk dressed up in their Sunday best and I think “My, I wonder what he looks like when he’s sweatin’?” Is this normal, Toph? Is there somethin’ wrong with me? Am I goin’ to Hell…the eternal damnation one, anyway?
–Your body is a temple…. something something something. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 - If I had a temple, Mary, I’d want to decorate that in gold and awesomeness. Think about it and then join the Church of Toph. We need more Southern girls.
Rex in the San Joaquin Valley – Tophster – Let me give it to you straight since that’s how you give it to all of us. I finally joined The Facebook. Too many hotties on there not to. But, check it: I friended this fem I’ve been digging since I was 12. And now the old ball and chain’s bent out of shape that I didn’t friend her first. What’s up with that? What are all the unwritten rules of The Facebook?
–Come on, Rex, everyone knows that if you have a ball and chain that the last thing you should do is tell her you started a Facebook. Unless, of course, you’re not looking to cheat on her. I really need to break this down into two answers. 1. You love your ball and chain and 2. You’re trying to cheat on your wife… or 3. Both. Here we go.
—-1. Rex, of course, you should have befriended your wife first. Fucks wrong with you?
—-2. Rex, you made the biggest mistake of your life here, buddy. How in god’s name did you think you could sign up for the Book using your real name and not be found by your wife? You’re the kind of guy that shares email address with her, too aren’t you? RexLovesSusan@gmail.com. You idiot. And, Rex, you’re still chasing after a girl that you liked when you were fucking 12? Dude, that’s retarded. You had plenty of time to stick that, and yet you’ve continued to eff it up. In fact, what are you even doing married? Give Susan my Facebook, because she needs a real dickens. God, you’re retarded.
—-3. Rex!!! You moron! Look man, if you’re trying to cheat on your wife (which, is condoned here at TophSpeaks) you gotta create 2 Facebooks. You need to separate the lives completely. And, you cannot log in to your other one while at home. Rex, you’re not smart enough to access two FBs from the same location. You know you’ll save the password on accident. Then sexy Susan will come in and see – Email: RexIsSex@gmail.com – Password: ••••••••.
It is good to be back.
