So, we’re continuing the last Ask Toph, and I’m tackling all of the emails I get about love, ladies and hitting on them.
I once said that I was like Angels in the Outfield. I get you to the World Series, but you have to play the game. See? (I Wish They All Could Be Myspace Girls)
Well, today, all of that changes. I’m finally answering your questions about opening and closing the deal, what to do while you’re doing the deal and other things I wouldn’t divulge before. It’s my secrets to being totally awesome all of the time revealed.
Keep in mind, this is one man’s opinion, and it’s worked for him 100% of the time. But, to be fair, have you seen me? I ooze sex.
Rod in Pasadena, CA – Ok, Toph, I’m in a bar, and I see a girl I like. What do I do?
–Hey, Rod. This is a very intimidating process, but you’re going to be OK. The first thing I like to do (liked… I’m married now, Rod.) is to make eye contact and smile. Look, you’re just going to have to go with me on this. Some dudes, they just blindly send a drink over. What do you think, douche, that the chick is going to talk to you out of drink buying pity? No. You make eye contact, and smile at her. If she smiles back, then you’re free to make a move. If she doesn’t smile back, and starts vomiting, or something, then don’t go talk to her. But, if she smiles, Rod, then you’re open to say hello, and probably fuck.
The next question will finish this…
Brandon in Charlotte, NC – Hey man, what do I say to girls when I meet them?
–You say, “Hello, I’m Brandon in Charlotte, NC.” OK, maybe just stick with your name. Seriously, that’s all it takes. Say something funny, or something to effect of, “I never do this, but I had to come over and meet you.” You know what’s crazy? Everything after that pretty much takes care of itself. I mean, you need to keep eye contact and maybe witty, and at least act like you care about what she’s talking about. And, Brandon, remember her name. Hell, sing it in a song if it helps, but you should use her name a few times in conversation. It sends a signal to her that you’re actually interested. Don’t be like, “Oh, cool, Brandy. Brandy, would you like another drink, Brandy?” No, that’s weird, and how come whenever I type “Brandy” I really want to type Moesha? Anyways, be yourself, unless yourself really sucks. Then, be like me. I just so happen to be remarkably charming, witty and funny. So, being me rules.
Look at you guys… asking the right questions at the right time…
Chuck in Philadelphia, PA – Ok, Toph, let’s say I’m talking to her, right? Well, what’s next? What do I do?
–That depends, Chuck. Do you want to poke her, take her out, get her number? What do you want to do Chuck? Here let’s break down each scenario, OK.
—–You want to make sexual sauce with her: Well, this isn’t as easy as it used to be. You have to be on your game to have a one-nighter. Chuck, man, you have to get her drunk. I’m sorry, but it’s the way that it is. (Or, as one of my lady friends admits, “Be friends with my cousin’s husband, apparently. But, I’ve slept with all his friends so, whatever.) In order for me to explain how to do it sober, well, let’s say I’ve got to go sleep eventually, and don’t have that kind of time on my hands. No, you have to get her out of the bar. I know this borders on creepy, but you’re the one who wants to know. Ask her if you can take her home, or share a cab, or something. Get her out of the bar, and go to her place somehow. I’ve said this a million times, dudes, no one-nighter’s at your place. In the short-term it works, but there are so many long-term risks.
—–Get her number: This is the easiest. Just say something to effect of, “I’d really like to call you sometime. It’s industry standard 2 days, right?” Something clever, you know, then ask for her number, and pray it’s not a fake. I will say, for the record, I’ve never gotten a fake number. But, I’m also really good at what I do. You have to be able to read people, you know.
—–Take her out: This is sort of in the “get her number” topic, but this actually involves you setting a date. Give her 3 days in advance for a date, pick her up and pay for it. At least, for the first one. Open all the doors, and walk her to her door- I don’t know when these two things stopped being normal. You know what happens when you walk girls to their doors (my Dad literally told me this when I was 13)? They kiss you, and ask you to come inside to do stuff. You want to do stuff, right?
Aaron is Baton Rouge, LA – Toph, how do I make my exit? What do I say, or do?
–Aaron, I’ve answered this before… but, it’s important, so I’ll repost it.
Tank in Des Moines, IA – Toph, I have bit of a problem. Whenever I finish having sex with a lady, I don’t know what to do. Please help.
- Tank, this is a great question. If (and let’s hope, Tank) you are wearing a condom, make her take it off with her teeth, and eat it. I have heard that it can be a yummy snack. You can say clever things like, “remember that door you came in through, find it”. Or you can do my personal favorite, which is, get up, grab a towel, throw it at her and say, “Clean it”. Chicks dig that, Tank, they do indeed.
It’s sound advice, Aaron, and I’ll expand a little on it. Get the fuck out of there. Do it quickly, quietly and swiftly. You don’t want to linger around, and have her get sick of you. Just go. Leave a note if you must, but make sure all that note says is, “Clean it.”
Jackie in Cleveland, OH – Hey cutes! How come guys are the worst at hitting on girls. Is it weird if I hit on a guy?
–Jackie, of course it’s not weird. In fact, it’s encouraged, but there are rules for the ladies, too. Here they are:
1) Be hot.
Tommy in Portland, OR – Toph, what if I’m, you know, putting it to a girl, and I can tell that she’s not into it. Anything I can do to make her like it?
–Besides putting it in her butt, Tom? There’s tons of stuff you can do to get her in it. In fact, there are people whose entire job is teaching other people what do to if she’s not in it. But, let’s talk about some quick and easy ways to turn things around for you. You could put it in her butt. She might be weirded out at first, but don’t worry, she’ll get used to it. Change positions into something that will make your peen go deeper into her vag. Like, putting her on her shoulders with her legs in the air. Or, on the edge on the bed with her back on the bed, while spreading her legs and burying that peen deep. You could flip her over, put a pillow under her stomach, close her legs and let the crazy friction juices go to work while you pound her vag. Add an Asian chick to the evening. Or, kiss her gently on her neck. You could even just blow your load on her chest. See? Tons of shit, Tom.
Jill in New Haven, CT – You’re my fucking hero, Toph, and I love you,
–I know, Jill… I know.
