Sappinin’, suckas. I had a flooded inbox of Ask Toph questions on a variety of topics, so I thought I’d reach out to you, the little people, and answer your questions. Oh, and Mike, sorry I missed your email early November. You shouldn’t kill yourself. Life is too awesome. I mean, look at the photo above. Hope it’s not too late. As always, send you questions to Toph@TophSpeaks.com.
Lisa in Boston, MA – Toph, what do you like to when you’re bored? I have absolutely nothing to do right now. The Patriots stink, the Red Sox aren’t playing and the Celtics are sold out every night. I’m just a lonely girl in a cold, cold town.
– Lisa, let me be the first to say, “Suuuup…?” You do bring up a good point though; there is too much sex that should be easily had that is going without due to the cold weather. There should be a club that singles can go to that accepts an equal amount of men and women. You would be judged at the door. Hot ones get in early, and the later it gets the more uglies they allow in. This way, if you’re not making it happen, then your odds increase as the night goes on. They shouldn’t have dancing, because puts too much pressure on the dudes. No, it should basically be FriendFinder.com, but in a bar. Maybe they should just call it Friend Finder Bar or Pub or Tavern or something. I mean, what single isn’t going to this? Oh, the ones with dignity… got it.
Chuck in Reno, NV – Toph, thanks for everything you do. Not to point out the obvious, and guide your agenda on your own blog, but where are the skillets? I haven’t seen one in the past couple of weeks. Sup with that?
–Chuck, thanks for noticing the daily goings-on of the blog. I don’t want to say I’m burned out on the skillets, because I am not. However, I was thinking of maybe moving it to Skillet of the Month. With the weekly skillets, oftentimes I rely on it for new content. Then, I don’t write as much. What’s TophSpeaks without the writing? (Yes, I know writing is not speaking.) What do you think? Maybe I could do So-and-So To Brighten the Day more often or something. Of course, if you love the Skillets of the Week, then I’ll definitely keep pumping them out. It’s as much your blog as it is mine. (This is totally not true. It’s mine… ALL MINE!!!)
Rhea in Lousiville, KY – Hey Toph!! You’re always talking about this amazing life you live. What is it that you do, and how are you not broke like the rest of us?
–Hi, Rhea… While I’ll never tell you what company I work for, I will say what it is that I do. I work for this pretty kickass search engine marketing company in San Francisco. Basically, I do sales, account management and copy writing for the search engines. The sales and account manager side of the business is what allows me to go on all these trips, and have all these amazing stories. Trust me, I know how lucky I am. Now, the blogs, well, they’re not necessarily written while I’m at work. I just publish them during the hours, because readership is up then. Besides the work, and the blogs, there’s the podcast, the t-shirts, the children’s book… I do so much in so little time, Rhea.
Bob in Jackson, MI – Hey bud, thinkin’ about cheatin’ on my wife. Thoughts?
–Bob. Well, you have to set a list, and then make sure it checks off 100%. Since I don’t know your wife, I’ll do a list based on mine.
1. Would she cut off your penis? – Yes.
2. Would she not only murder you, but the chick, and probably everyone you know? – Yes.
3. Any chance of survival? – Nope.
4. Is she Mexican? – Yes.
5. Is this the worst idea ever? – Uh-huh.
Margie in Fayetteville, AK – Hey Cutes, I have finals coming up this week, and I didn’t prepare very well. Any ideas for how to cheat on the test?
–Man, we have a lot of cheaters today. And, is Arkansas AK, or AR? I don’t know. Now, Margie, I just so happened to be telling Dibs a story about how I started wearing 2 shirts at once. See, I didn’t so well in chemistry my first time around in high school, so, I had to take it again. Considering Mrs. Robertson hated me with all of her heart, I wrote the answers on the inside of my undershirt. That way, when the whore teacher would walk buy I’d be able to cover it. When she’d say stand up, you’re cheating, I would and there would be nothing to see! Suck it, Mrs. Robertson! Look at me now!
Phil in Rye, NY – So, I like this girl at work, and I don’t know what to do. I think she likes me, but I don’t know. How can I know, Toph?
–Phil, it’s a tough fucking world out there. Ladies are the hardest part about it, too. We could figure out the world’s economic crisis faster than we could sort out women. But, I will tell you this, Phil, just fucking go for it. If there’s one thing I’ve learned is that you should just go for it. The worst thing that will happen is she’ll say no… and, be really creeped out by it. Then, she’ll probably tell all of your coworkers that that loser, Phil, asked her out on a date. “HAHHAHAHA… Fuckin’ Phil??!!? HAHAHAHA…” They’ll all say. Your boss will hear about it, and at that point the story is that you’re stalking her and shit. So, you’ll be taken to court for sexual harassment, and you’ll definitely lose your job. Phil, you’re losing your job at the worst possible time, because of the economy (we talked about the economy before, remember?). And, guess what, Phil, Rye is an expensive town. You undoubtedly have a mortgage that you have to pay for. How can you do that with no job, and mounting lawyer fees? Plus, you’re still paying off the debt from college, as well as your mom’s hospital bills. She’s sick; Phil, and you gotta step up and be man here. And, guess what? You just found out that Michelle, remember from NYU that weekend, is pregnant with your kid. Phil, dude, you’re fucked – All because you asked some chick on a date. Ouch.
