Toph Speaks

It’s been said that I make great decisions for other people. Granted, some of my own decisions are pretty remarkable, as well. For some reason this old story comes to mind.

Wait a minute… what the shit ever happened to my two Asian kids, Lil’ Toph and Tophita, and my Uncle Walter? I haven’t heard from those guys in a long time. Uncle Walter is crazy. I should call them, huh?

I digress… I make amazing decisions for people, but rarely do they actually listen to them. It’s frustrating. For example, I have a friend who could still be in SF, writing for a newspaper (albeit a crappy one that would get him no where in life), single and being awesome. I gave the right amount of advice at the perfect time, but it was all in vain.

Now where is he? He’s not here writing for a newspaper and making love to random women at bars. Instead he’s at grad school gaining a Master’s and preparing himself for the future with things like “internships at important newspapers” and “being quoted in books.” It sounds better than it is… I think.

Now, let’s take another friend. He was working for a crappy job, in a crappy city and I convinced him to move here. Look at him now. He’s awesome, working for an awesome company and making love to chicks in cabs.

No, I’m not going to be able to make everyone awesome, or get them jobs. I mean, you could take my advice, and it could totally suck for you. Look at every piece of advice I’ve given Ray. (Granted, most of that is because I could tell Ray it’s a good idea to fingerbang his wife’s sisters, and he wouldn’t do it. He knows my advice to him is just to see if he’ll do it, and more often than not, he doesn’t. No one ever called him an idiot, though.)

Now, I needed a way to prove to the masses that I could be their Life Coach, and make money off of it. No one wants to coach lives Pro bono, right? I started to do some research, and came across The Life Coach Institute. I applied immediately (I didn’t even request the $3,000 scholarship for a school that cost $3,850), and 30 days later I was finished with the “world’s best life coaching training program.” See, HERE is my certificate of Life Coaching.

Here’s what you can expect. I’ll be discussing, openly cause there’s no oath or anything, the trials and tribulations of my clients whose lives need coaching. I won’t give you names, but I’ll tell you all about them. My first Life Coaching session is this weekend with a girl who, obviously, makes really bad decisions. We’ll do case studies! (Yup, just got excited about case studies.) And, I know what you’re thinking, OK. You’re thinking this is going to suck so bad. It’s not, it’s going to be awesome/hilarious.

These are people who need life coaching… from me. Me. The guy who once told someone to make his lady rip off the condom with his teeth once they were done doin’ it. The guy who once told a guy to make a speech about flowers to get a chick to sleep with him. The guy who decided it would be a good idea to marry a chick from South America, teach her English and how to shop.

It’s going to be golden and you fuckin’ know it.