Toph Speaks

Once you get married, or really enter into a relationship of standards, things like making your own decisions suddenly changes completely. I, of course, say this with the utmost of respect and fear for my wife, La Diabla. Luckily for me, one of the decisions that was made entering into our relationship was that she would stay as far away from TophSpeaks as possible, and I would quit smoking by the time we had kids. So far, we’ve both held up to those promises. Although, I do miss smoking. But, that’s about the only decision that we’ve made that I’ve agreed with, or had any part in. And, truth be told, I can’t for the life of me figure out exactly how it is she got me to quit smoking.

The problem is in most relationships, and by most relationships I mean the normal ones where the male is completely terrified of the female, the woman makes all of the decisions. Look, I’m saying this as both a good thing and a bad thing, so for everyone out there that thinks I’m being negative against marriage just know that I’m not. I’m being negative about my marriage. (kidding….)

A typical night at the Toph household goes something like this -

Toph - Sappinin, Sexuals?

Diabla - You need to go to the gym. You’re getting chunky.

Toph - Well, I had a really hard day and would actually like to chill out to a Yankee game, order a pizza, call Ryan and Christian, and have some beers.

Diabla - (After 5 minutes of laughter)

Toph - I guess I’ll start stretching.

And so it goes. Maybe in the long run going to gym will benefit me more than watching the game with friends, eating pizza, smoking a cigar and drinking. In fact, I know it will, but it does make life a little less awesome, right? Don’t answer that.

They say you make sacrifices to make the person you’re with happy. What they don’t tell you is that this only applies to the man in the relationship. A good friend said to me last night, “Toph, I had no idea that she would start to use blowjobs as rewards, then take them away when I was bad. Have I not earned at least 2 blowjobs a week just from coming home every night?” I can’t say I know exactly how he feels in this situation, but the overall sympathy is there. Back when I was single, or when I lived alone in Dallas and Diabla lived somewhere South of the Border, I was free to do as I pleased. Again, I’m not saying the decisions I made were good, but they were my own. Not to beat a dead horse here (because I wouldn’t be allowed to), but things off the top of my head include; smoking inside, a steady diet of Whataburger, Chick-Fil-A, Krispy Kreame, and Taco Bueno, spending Tuesday - Sunday at a bar wasted (and Monday during football season), not going to work so that I could have video game day, waking up at midnight to write a column because I had a funny idea… the list goes on. (At this point I’d like to make it clear that I am still completely in love with my wife… I’m also terrified of her like every decent male should be.)

Think about it, when was the last time you had an important relationship decision? (If the answer is yesterday, then your relationship won’t last. Sorry, but it’s true and you fucking know it.) Even dinner becomes a problem. “Honey, what do you want to eat?” “Oh, you know, how about we go out and eat some lobster?” “Why would you suggest that? I don’t like seafood. How about we stay in and I cook chicken and rice. You know, it figures you always want to go out to eat. You have no concept for things like bills and saving for the future. I WANT A HOUSE! All you want to do is play and shop. At some point you’ve got to learn responsibility. And, you’re having water to drink. You look chunky.”

Somehow, something as simple as dinner turns into me being chunky.

Here’s the fun part - Mastering the decisions. Sure, I haven’t quite sorted this one out yet, but I have some hypothesis’ that are in the works. Hopefully some of you guys can be test subjects for me. Just, write down your data and send it over to me. Here’s what I mean: When she asks what I want for dinner, be assertive and reply with two answers. One that she really won’t want, and the other that she’d rather have over your idiotic first suggestion. “Honey, what do you want for dinner?” “Well, they’re having $1 wings at Hooters tonight, but if you don’t want that we could go get some lobster. They have a good fillet mignon at this place I read about on Yelp.” Of course, in my relationship the answer would be this: “I’m glad you have time to sit around and read restaurant reviews on Yelp all day. It’s no wonder you’re getting chunky. It must be nice to work at a place where you can write blogs and read restaurant reviews all day. You know what I do all day? I stand there and have to take shit from customers with massive accounts who treat me like shit because they have all this money. But you? You get to play on the computer, play video games, chat online and read restaurant reviews all damn day. Why don’t you meet me in the room for some sex.” (I said I didn’t make decisions… Not that I was in a bad marriage.)

At this point, I’m not even sure what I was getting at. This is all really funny to me, because my best friend Ray is getting married next month. Welcome in a new member to the world of no-decisions. Actually, he’s been here for a while now. He’s not afraid to admit it, either. Because like every other real relationship he’s completely terrified of his lady. Actually, I’m terrified of his lady, too.

Ain’t love grand?