Toph Speaks

They say on every great woman is a bikini, which is why we’re bringing you the very first Toph Speaks Swimsuit Edition. I’m not gonna lie, I don’t really know anything about bikinis. I can’t tell you where to find the perfect one, or what colors will look best on you. What I know is what I think looks best, whether it’s on you or not. And I think it’s important for the ladies to know what we think is sexy in swimwear. Naturally, I represent all men, so stick with me ladies, and we’ll be fine.

There’s one thing I do want to get across, which is the same with everything I write about, less is more. Yeah, I meant that in a lot of ways here. If the swimsuit has this pattern of messiness and confusion on it, then put it down and walk away. It’s going to look ridiculous on you. And, yeah, maybe we don’t want you to be so covered. It’s time to let loose, and stop covering up everything. Let’s see a little of those butt cheeks you got there. It’d be OK to go with a smaller top, too. Global warming is happening, ladies… embrace it!

I’ve decided to give you my top 5 favorite bikini’s I found while spending 10 minutes searching online.

5. AE’s String Bikini in Black - American Eagle’s bikini model leaves a lot to be desired. The bikini on the other hand, is still pretty hot. Chicks should always have a plain black bikini, right? It’s like the little black dress. Always hot.

4. Beach Sexy Polkadot at Victoria’s Secret - OK, fine. It’s possible that this is the ugliest swimsuit in the world, but it might also be the hottest. I can’t tell, but alls I know is, Miranda Kerr is phenomenal. Plus, it’s on sale, so there you go.

3. Start It Up Tiki from Roxy - What’s summer without a Roxy bikini? This bikini is bright, and sexy. Plus, you can adjust it to do all sorts of sexual things. That’s versatility for your asses… errr… boobs. Their models look sick, and young. It’s doing weird things to me.

2. Beach Sexy Rhinestone Skull Halter at Victoria’s Secret - Maybe I’m a little biased here, because La Diabla works this swimsuit like nobody’s business, but it’s damn sexy. There’s something about the black, the smallness and the brown skin. Whew… I may get her to wear it tonight. Plus, Jarah is it in the photo, so there you go.

1. Betsy Johnson Parasol Top/Bottom from Urban Outfitters - OK, this may be a bit on the expensive side, and it might just be lingerie, but it’s hot. Really hot. Pretty retro, and it’s going to make you look good. Isn’t that what’s important here? Money? Pshaw…

And now… lots of photos of girls, famous and not, in BIKINIS!!!!!!