Toph Speaks

There’s actually a writer here in the Bay Area named Toph One who writes for SF Weekly. But, we’re not talking about him today, are we? No, we’re talking about Maxim failing. How hard is it to pick a top 10 list of ladies that everyone can appreciate? Sorry, I’ll catch you up - Maxim released their Top 100 ladies, and the top 10 is horrendous. Here it is:

1. Marisa Miller
2. Scarlett Johansson
3. Jessica Biel
4. Eva Longoria
5. Sarah Michelle Gellar
6. Elisha Cuthbert
7. Eva Mendes
8. Christina Aguilera
9. Lindsay Lohan
10. Ashley Tisdale

Let’s take this one by one, then replace it with my feelings.

1. Marisa Miller - She’s a Skillet of the Week recipient, but she wasn’t greeted warmly by the TophSpeaks audience. Some quotes - “Ohh Toph you would snap this girl, there is nothing of her, skinny skinny, something so skinny isn’t sexy!!!” “This girl looks like she would snap in half if a gust of wind picked up. Sick.” So, it wasn’t the best reviews, but you can’t deny the hotness. #1? That remains to be seen.

2. ScarJo - Of course she’s been a Skillet of the Week! I can’t say anything wrong about this.

3. Jessica Biel - No Skillet award, because I am not a fan. She’s just OK. I have friends who think she’s amazing. I think she looks like a dude, and is 2 years removed from being uber-hot.

4. Eva Longoria - Make no mistake, I think she’s hot and a previous SoftheW. But, are we done with her? She’s not hot enough to get people to see Over My Dead Body, is she? I didn’t think so.

5. Sarah Michelle Gellar - Do what now? Sarah Michelle Gellar? You’re telling me that she’s the 5th hottest girl in the world? Sarah Michelle Gellar? You’re an idiot. That’s what you are.

6. Elisha Cuthbert - Sweet God, what have we done to you Maxim? Is this because these are the only girls who will pose for you? I don’t get it. Girl Next Door came out in 2004. That was about the last time I thought she was hot. She’s been run over by the NHL.

7. Eva Mendes - Remember when Eva Mendes was hot? Neither do I. Maybe in Hitch? Nope, not even then.

8. Christina Aguilera - She spend roughly the past 9 months pregnant. When she came back from pregnancy, her tits got bigger, and so did the rest of her. Ask her to take off the makeup and tell me how you feel.

9. Lindsay Lohan - COME THE FUCK ON!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!

10. Ashley Tisdale - Yeah, after the nose thing, how can you put her in there? She was an SoftheW before the nose, after? Not so much. She’s not even the hottest girl in High School Musical… Zach Effron is.

Here’s the Toph’s List… Feel free to discuss.

1. Miranda Kerr - There’s a reason you guys have already voted her as the Skillet of the Year. Her stock does nothing but rise. Miranda Kerr is the new face of Victoria’s Secret, not the old one. She’s cute, she’s hot and she’s dating Orlando. OK, he’s kind of a douche, but you’re just as jealous as I am.

2. ScarJo - Yeah, she’s still number 2.

3. Marisa Miller - Maybe the girls of TophSpeaks aren’t big fans, but that doesn’t change much.

4. Rachel Bilson - Yeah, my #1 has been sliding, and the longer she stays with Anakin Skywalker, the more she’ll slide. But, she’s still as cute as a button, and as sex as a Skillet. She’s still a Skillet of the Year winner, just 2 years ago.

5. Leighton Meester - Here’s another Skillet that’s on the rise. She’s dominating Gossip Girl and is set to reprise her role on Entourage. And, she’s really hot.

6. Sophia Bush - I’ve been watching One Tree Hill for 5 years now, and she’s pretty much the reason. She keeps getting hotter, and again, her stock is on the rise. Notice a trend here? None of these girls have been in rehab. Hummm?

7. Stacy Keibler - I admitted that I just recently found out about this chick. But thank God I did. She’s incredible, and watch how many super fans tell me I’m crazy for having her this low. Of, you crazy super fans.

8. Jarah Mariano - Had to get some Asian in here, and she’s tops on this list. (sorry about the photos on there, they’re old.) Jarah is another whose stock is rising. After being in the SI swimsuit edition, dudes are going crazy over her. Don’t worry, TophSpeaks has been a fan for some time now.

9. Rihanna - Maybe you’re tired of her umbrella, but you can’t be tired of her hotness. She’s special, and again will be special for a while.

10. Alessandra Ambrosio - OK, typically she’s top 3 on any list I make, but she’s pregnant. I don’t care, that only knocks her down to 10. Any other year, she’s way up there. Tell me I’m wrong about her. I DARE YOU!