Toph Speaks

Let’s pick up where Part 1 (Click the link if you need to catch up) left off. I’d again like to start by saying it’s 4:31 on Tuesday, March 11th. A lot has happened since we last left each other. For instance, I went from writing on a 24″ iMac to writing on a 15″ MacBook Pro. I can’t stop telling people that. Although you’re all smaller now, my 22″ monitor will be here shortly and will restore order to the world. When I last left you, I was passed out, alone and on my floor in the dirty ass Rio. Some of you are thinking, “What a loser. You were alone on your first night in Vegas?!” I know, but I am still married.

So, this conference, the whole reason we are there in the first place, has started. I did eventually wake up and make it into bed. I’m not sure when that was, but the idea of setting the alarm was lost on me. I actually recall getting mad that the light was too bright, and turning off the clock. Naturally, when I wake up I’m a mess. I smell like fresh asshole. Keep in mind, I haven’t smoked since June, so this cigarette situation has me on edge. They still smell so amazing. Not sure why I tossed in that tidbit, but I’m about 20 minutes late to the Keynote Address.

Here’s the thing - The girls at this conference are amazing. I don’t know what has happened to the affiliate marketplace, but it is running over with chicks. I had no idea what to expect at this event, but it came through in the clutch. The conference is decent. I mean, it’s what you could expect from an affiliate conference at the Rio, right? Big clients, food and drinks. Again, here’s the fun thing about my company, we’re what’s called “super affiliates.” It’s the gayest term in the world, that basically means we’re in the top 5% of performers for these companies. What does this mean to you and I? It means that all of the companies we promote are having parties and we’re VIP. Yes, I am aware of how silly this all sounds. However, I will direct your eyes back to the first 3 sentences of this paragraph. When you’re a VIP at these events you get open bar. When you’re a girl at these events you want free drinks. Me + VIP = Ladies. The second night party is happening at Tao and it didn’t disappoint. We’re totally turning it out (on a Monday night). We have champagne, beers, vodka, jager, etc. I mean, name it, we have a bottle of it in our corner. Also, we have bouncers standing outside the corner allowing who we want in, and kicking the uglies out. It was phenomenal. Have you ever kicked a girl out of your VIP section in favor of a hotter one? The look on her face was one of the most priceless things I have ever seen. She looked like someone had stolen her unicorn. “What do you mean I have to go?” I love when girls overstay their welcome. I saw her later on at the bar, buying her own drinks.

Obviously, we’re all pretty wasted at this point. I mean, we’ve been taking shot after shot and drink after drink. The shit that goes on in those VIP booths is crazy. I think once girls see that you’re taking it up a notch by kicking out the ugly, they do what they can to stay. I mean, cocktails in Vegas are ranging from $12 - $20, so you know that no one wants to pay that much. Add that the fact that they’re in Vegas and you have a combination for success. The girl from Alabama can’t afford the $15 Martini, but she has no problem making out with girl from Jersey, because she’s in Vegas. (By the way… it’s 12:05 pm on Wednesday the 12th.) Around midnight, Tao starts to die out. Of course, we’re all wasted, so figuring out where to go proved to be quite difficult. By the time it was all said and done, we ended up at Prive.

Prive is at the Planet Hollywood Casino, which is surprisingly great. We’re rolling about 10 deep to Planet Hollywood. There are 7 girls and 3 guys. We walked in and there were some hot ass hookers lined up. We go to the bathroom before we hit the club, and when I came out the hottest girl was standing there. I mean, she was smokin’ hot, right? I smiled at her, and she was all kinds of up on me. I had no idea what was going on, till I realized she was a hooker, as well. She may have been one of the hottest hookers I’ve ever seen. Keep in mind I was wasted, but apparently I tried to make her pay for me. Hookers don’t really like when you tell them to pay for you. I kept asking her if she needed any company tonight while I waited for my entourage, and if she liked what she saw. She was giggling like mad. I really think we could have had something if I wasn’t married and she wasn’t a hooker.

The line outside of Prive was crazy. This was a Monday night, and it was a seriously long ass line. Needless to say, this was our night. As I said before, we were rolling 10 deep, with 7 of them being ladies, hot ladies. We got right in, and didn’t have to pay the $20 cover either. This place was packed out to the max. I understood why there were so many people outside the club, too, because this place was nothing but hot ladies. I’m not even exaggerating. It was nuts. I swear, it was wall to wall. We debated getting tables and bottle service, but truth be told, I didn’t want to. I was already piss, and I just wanted to fuckin’ boogie. I convinced everyone to screw the table, and hit the dance floor. Best idea ever. I don’t know what it is about being drunk, but my moves are insanity. It’s like a mix between Michael Jackson circa ‘81, Timberlake and a paraplegic stripper. All I know is, this is the greatest Monday night club in the history of the world, and we own it.

Around 2 it has become clear that it’s time to leave. When we walk out of the club to the escalator, the line is still crazy. No way these people getting in, right? We get in the cabs, and head back over to the Rio. Since we, the guys that I work with and I, have the best rooms, everyone decides the after party should be at our place. Since I’m the least responsible, the youngest, and the most likely to want a party in their room, I offer up my room. I think around 4am I passed out. I remember drinking a lot, but I don’t know how the alcohol got there. Did someone have it in their rooms? Maybe someone bought it? I have no clue, but I know that I made it to my bed.

I woke up a few times and everyone was kickin’ it, laughing and gambling. I did manage throw $20 down on whether or not Lucy (anonymity) could spin around 40 times and make it from one end of the hall to the other. She didn’t make it, but she looked good trying. I lost, because I swore she could make it. She had mad walking skills. What did I tell you about gambling after midnight? You’ll lose every time.

So, it’s 1:49 pm in real time, and I have a shit-load of work to do. Stay tuned for Part 3 - the last night. I can’t wait to tell you guys about Jasmine at the Spearmint Rhino. Incredible. End of Part 2.