Toph Speaks

I didn’t want to admit it, but I, too, have been on the steroids. Here’s my heartfelt story and apology.

I guess you could say it started back in 2004 when I met Jose Canseco. I was out at a club in New York, probably Jay-Z’s club, cause I’m fuckin’ gangsta. I rolled into the bathroom to whiz, and out comes a voice from behind the stall. “Hey kid, can you give me a hand in being awesome?” “Jose Canseco!” I exclaimed to myself. There he was, all muscle and sex, trying to stick a needle in his ass. I wondered out loud to Jose, “What are you doing legendary Bash Brother?” “Well, Toph, I’m making myself purely sexual and awesome. You, too, can be like me.” For the sake of not telling you the entire story, I’ll give you the Readers Digest version. Jose stuck his massive roids needle in my butt in the a stall at Jay-Z’s club (cause like I said, I’m fuckin’ gangsta). The rest of the night is hazy, but I’m pretty sure I made sex with a tiny Asian. She wasn’t young, just tiny.

I’ve been doing steroids every day since. I’m not even sure why, though. I mean, I’m not an athlete at all. I was a theatre major for the love of skillets. Sure, I ran the 400m and 200m in high school, but I had already graduated college by this point. There really was no explanation, besides the hopes of becoming awesome like Jose. Well, I didn’t become awesome, friends. You know what happens to the guy who sits in front of a computer all day and does roids? Well, it goes straight to his belly (have no fear, my peen was unaffected). I realized I had a problem last year when I ran into Jose Canseco again at brunch. Yeah, maybe it’s not as gangsta, but I was 3 years older. This time, I was in the stall asking for Jose’s help. “No way,” said Jose. “Fine, Jose! I don’t need you,” I said. I found myself in the middle of a super Roid Rage. I went back into Chili’s and began destroying all the Old Timer’s with Cheese that I could find. I threw chocolate milkshakes on people, and I beat them with their queso in a skillet (different kind of skillet, guys… but that would have been cool, too). I had hit rock bottom.

It was a long recovery to freedom. My friends had an intervention that really didn’t go well for anyone involved. There was a lot of booze there, and you really should have an intervention with booze involved. Looking back on it, though, this might not have been an intervention at all. I think it was a party. Man, that was a fun party. I think I hooked up with another Asian. Looking back, I probably impregnated her. I didn’t stick around to find out, though, because the next day I entered myself into rehab. Four months after I walked out a clean, new man.

I want to apologize for all the trouble I may have cause Chili’s and Jay-Z. You both mean so much to me, and I hope we can reconcile. Chili’s, your Cool Chicken Ranch Sandwich is so delicious and healthy. Well, maybe not healthy, but delicious. I miss it. Maybe we can start our reconciliation by allowing me to order by phone and picking it up outside? Jay-Z, Hova, Jigga, I’m sorry I used illegal drugs in your club. It was Jose Canseco’s fault and I’m sorry that I was one of your 99 problems.

Below are some before and after photos. I hope I have or will scare you away from steroids and what they can do to you.

Before Roids -

On Roids -

In Rehab -