Toph Speaks

Jessica Alba is pregnant and it’s not my baby, it’s stupid Cash Warren’s baby.

How are you gonna allow yourself to be impregnated by Cash Fucking Warren? Cash Warren?!?! We’re talking about Cash Warren?!? Cash Warren?!?! What are we talking about? Cash Warren?! We ain’t talking about David Beckham. We’re talking about Cash Warren. Not Brad Pitt, but Cash Warren. Not George Clooney, but Cash Warren. How silly is that? What are we talking about? Cash Warren? How the hell can this make her better by havin’ a baby? (Thanks, AI)

How did this happen? What lead up to this? Where did she go wrong? Toph is here for you, baby. Let’s break down Jessica Alba and this series of Unfortunate Events. I think all of this starts with Alba’s inability to accept her hotness. She’s said many times over that she’s not the beauty we all think she is and she fears she will be type cast. This being the dumbest thing she’s ever said, having starred in movies like, Into the Blue, Honey, Sin City and the Fantastic 4 movies, all of which she wears either very little or very tight. Not that anyone minds it, though. She has said, “Somehow, I don’t think this is happening to Natalie Portman.” This insecurity has to be what lead her to Cash Warren. While filming the first Fantastic 4, she met Cash Warren who was, you got it, the Director’s assistant. Not the most glamorous of jobs. Of course, everyone remembers when Alba reportedly broke up with her loser boyfriend because, “He wasn’t ready for marriage, and Jessica is,” said an insider. I think there was more, of course. I think it was because she was tired of paying for his ass everywhere they went, and still couldn’t get him to commit. When Jessica Abla says marry me, you say, “Tonight?!”

Unfortunately, they found their way back together in August. This was fine with me, because I had already given up on her. She’s been on a fast downward spiral ever since I saw her attend a Warriors game. Truth is, this couldn’t have come at a worse time for her. She still has not done a movie anyone really cares about, and Good Luck, Chuck bombed. No one likes Cash Warren, and everyone is getting sick of her. It looks like this is the end of Jessica Alba. It was good while it lasted, and we’ll enjoy Sin City 2, but we all know that this baby is the fork in your sexy oven. So, I wonder who is going to take her place atop the No-Talent, Hot Mountain. Megan Fox? Here’s one last set of Alba photos for you guys.