Toph Speaks

I figured, maybe, I should kind of give the new readers a bit of history into Ask Toph. I guess you could say Ask Toph is what put this little site on the map. If there’s one thing I’ve always been good at, besides making sweet, sweet love, it’s helping people with their problems. Whether it’s problems in love, clothes, women, travel or even if you’re leaning towards being crazy. I’m the kind of guy you turn to for advice. I like being that guy, too. Let’s be honest, no one is going to give you better advice than me. It’s just not possible. For the best of the best in Ask Toph, check it out HERE. As per usual, send all your Ask Toph Questions to Toph@TophSpeaks.com.

Now… on to the questions..

Jill in Old Town, Maine - Toph!!!!! What’s your type of woman?!?!

–Short, controlling, wealthy, bitchy and brunette (preferably with swoopy bangs). This might be why I’m always so attracted to Latin women. It could also be why I think Leighton Meester’s character in Gossip Girl is irresistible, or why I have always been such a Kelly Kapowski fan. Screw Jesse Spano, no one wants that. I want them brunette and feisty!

Brooke in New Haven, Connecticut - Toph… how excited are you about the Spice Girls reunion?

–Anytime I get to see Posh you can paint me excited.

Manu in Kihei, Hawaii - Aloha, Toph. I like this girl, and I want to talk to her. Any advice? Mahalo.

–What the hell is that, man? Is it bad that I absolutely hate the Aloha/Mahalo crap? I get it. You’re from Hawaii. You don’t need to prove yourself to me. I mean, it’s not just that, either. I hate the whole idea of using “different languages” at random times. I come from a Mexican family, if you can believe it, and I always hated the back and forth language crap. Werklich? In the middle of a sentence, just tossing in a random foreign word is dumb. Aye Dios Mio!!!

Brit in Reno, Nevada - Hey, babe! Who would win in a fight between you and yourself in 5 years?

–You think you stumped me on that one? Come on, lady. It’s simple, I would win. By that I mean, Toph ‘07 would win hands down, no questions asked. Look, right now, I’m working out a few times a week, and am in the best shape I’ve been in since ‘99. Plus, I’m not even smoking. You think I have the will-power to keep this going for another 5 years? Bitch, you crazy. You crazy, but I love you. AYE AYE AYE!!!

George in Lexington, Virginia - So, global warming… that’s a bitch, huh?

–Yeah…

Tony in College Park, Georgia - Hey, dude, why waste our time with these 2 minute mobi-sodes of Lost.. screw you for thinking that’s enough for us…we’ve waited so long for Lost…and now you bitches go on strike. are we really going to only have 8 episodes…after 11 months of waiting?!?

–It’s your fault, Tony. Maybe if you wouldn’t watch TV online or on your phone, we would have this problem. They’re striking for this very reason, T-Bone. You’re going to shot me know, aren’t you?

Amy in Tallahassee, Florida - Hey, sexy!!! What’s your bedroom like?!

–Well, think about this, sexual - Have you ever had a Ice Cream Sunday with sprinkles, while sliding down slip n slide and getting a million dollars? No? Well, it’s along like that, if it were happening in Heaven. Think about it, dumplins.

Eliza in Temple, TX - You wanna be my cowboy?

–Are you asking this because you’re a cow? I know how you Temple girls are and it ain’t pretty.

Jenn in Des Moise, Iowa - How can I be hotter?

–Oh, my favorite question! Let’s start with crunches and running. You gots to get in better shape. You’re a bit rough around the edges. Maybe you should diet. Nothing big, though. Just cut out sugar and soft drinks. Get those eyebrows waxed. It’s time to get a haircut, Jenn. Why don’t you lighten the hair and throw in some layers. Then, completely change your wardrobe. Just toss in some skirts, stockings and some sexier shirts. Start there, and get back to me. You’ll be skillets in no time. In fact, if any of you ladies out there are starting to think you’re on a downward spiral toward ugly, then look at what I’ve just written. How are you doing with these things?

Dat Dude in Dallas, TX - On a for real note… what’s up with the world, du?

–No idea. Things have been weird lately. With the school shootings, mall shootings, complete lose of trust in athletes and their lives (Bonds, Sean Taylor, Mike Vick, and on and on), you have to worry about what people are bringing kids into, you know? It’s just a very strange time right now in our lives. For the first time since I’ve been alive our dollar is less than Canada’s. It just seems like things are getting weird all around, and it’s hard to have trust in each other. I don’t think you should let it affect you, though. Bad things happen. It sucks, but you persevere. Should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: “We will not go quietly into the night!” We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day! What?

Lexi in NY, NY - Toph… I FREAKING LOVE YOU!!!!!!

–and I love you.

Late.