Dude… What Happened?!

Granted, I haven’t had to pick up a chick in some time, but when it was a daily requirement, I was freaking amazing. I was like the Patriots of dating. Yeah, maybe you were jealous with my flawless record, maybe you hated how I always came through in the clutch and maybe you hated how I always scored and scored often. This doesn’t make me the asshole. You know, I hate the Patriots as much as Steve Kerr, but you should know that I respect them. I want the Cowboys to follow in their footsteps and play to that level. Just like, with women, how I want you to play to my level.

At this point in my life, married to a mail-order bride lovingly called Diabla, I don’t have many single guy friends left. Sure, I have friends who aren’t married, but they’re either engaged, living with a girlfriend or divorced. None of us have really had to hit on a girl in quite some time, and maybe that’s sad, but it’s not as sad as the weak shit I’m seeing being brought in the dating world lately. Typical, I reserve cussing for outside the blog, but for real, it’s a problem I’m seeing. I have a few girlfriends who are in the process of dating, and they love to tell me their dating horror stories. I have never been more ashamed of what is going on in the world of dating in my life. If I’m the Patriots of dating, these guys are the Dolphins. Let me say that these women are beautiful women. They’re funny, smart and talented. These are the women you want to date. So let me ask you this? What’s the matter with you guys?

You all know how much I enjoy giving you guidelines for life, so that’s pretty much what you’re going to get now. Print this out. Put it in your wallet. Hang it up in your bathroom. Heed the tips, and the deal will seal itself, man.

1. Women are easy. That’s right, I said it. Stop making things stupid and hard for yourself.

2. It is still industry standard to wait 2 – 3 days from the time you get the phone number to call her. Don’t mess this up. Don’t call that day and don’t call 4 days later. She has forgotten about you by then. You must keep her on her toes, but don’t bore her or try something new. Fact: No man has waited 4 days and successfully closed a deal. (Fact maybe a lie for emphasis.)

3. When you do call her, give her at least 2 days to prepare for the date. Maybe this is too old fashion, but it’s just the thing to do. What if she hasn’t been out in a while because her stupid ex-boyfriend (who broke up with her 2 weeks ago, and this is the first time she’s mustered enough courage to go on a date) never took her out? She needs to plan or buy her outfit and tell all of her friends about it first. Give her time to make you awesome to her friends. You will be rewarded down the line for it. Her friends already like you. This is good.

4. Go somewhere nice where you can talk and get to know one another. A nice dinner is still where it’s at and please pay for her. Do not go to a concert, a movie, a play or a party where she knows no one and you know everyone. You may go to a concert or a play if you’re the lead singer or the lead in the play. This will impress her. Keep the first date relatively simple. A nice dinner and drinks are still a good way to get to know someone, but don’t go to some loud ass bar. Go to a nice, quiet bar. If you’re serious about her, or at least think you could be, then don’t sleep with her. Trust me, regardless what you think, if you sleep with her you’ll never want to talk to her again. It’s a curse, but we can’t take girl serious if we do her. Unless, of course, it’s to give her more sexuals. Just try and resist if you like her.

5. Do not send a text message within the first three months. Why are you wasting ¢0.05 to tell her something when you can call and tell her? Worried about minutes? Wait till after 7 o’clock. When you are “courting” you should go all out to impress her. What’s more impressive? A phone call to tell her you were thinking of her or a text message? Don’t be stupid. A big note here: In that first month, do not call her after 9 pm. Otherwise, you’re just looking to poke.

6. Open every door. It’s the little things.

7. When you are with her turn your phone off or put it on vibrate. You know how people get annoyed when you’re talking it up at the movies, on the bus or at a restaurant? Well, she’s annoyed, too. When you’re with her nothing is more important. This is true for one-nighter dates and normal ones. Everyone loves attention, so give her yours.

8. Walk her to the door every time. Nothing is worse than dropping her off and chillin’ in the car till she gets in or driving off before. I don’t care if you dropped her off in a cab, go to the door. How does anyone forget to do this? So many things happen right here. You basically show her all she needs to know about your feelings. Sub-categories!

a. The door kiss is golden

b. The awkward, “Do you want to come in?” is phenomenal.

c. The “Oh, uh, that was cool… yeah… we should, umm, do it again.” is so great you must experience it.

9. The day after the date make sure you call her if you want to do it again. It’s like when you send a Thank You letter to a company you interviewed with. Wait, you didn’t send a Thank You letter? No wonder your job sucks and they didn’t hire you. Call her and tell her how you had a wonderful time and setup another date if you can. If you don’t like her, then don’t worry about calling.

10. Rinse and Repeat.

More Self-Help? Try These – Water Butt, How to Be Awesome Aussie-Style, Best of Ask Toph, Do It, If You Have Nothing Nice to Say