Toph Speaks

(Toph’s Note - The Grading the Halloween Hotties will be out Thursday or Friday. This, of course, replaces this week’s Skillet of the Week, which returns on Monday. Prepare to be amazed…)

As you all know, I have had the worst case of writers block. So, I decided (with the help of Ray) that we should turn it all around. The last time I did this was when I was having trouble writing a Toph Speaks, and ended up taking out my hate mail (it’s amazing how much hate mail I have). Turned everything around for me, so I thought I would try that here.

There are so many things you just should not do in life and in fashion. I never thought I would have to be the guy to tell you these things, because I thought they were common knowledge, but apparently some of you weren’t taught the simple wrongs in life. Listen, it’s not gay to look appropriate when you step out of your house. It’s unfortunate that style gets the wrong connotation, but I’m here to tell you to step it up. You hear that, dude? Step it up. I am not saying that you need to run out and get mani/pedi’s or get highlights in your hair. I’m just saying that there are some rules that you should follow when you’re going walk out of your door.  So, as per usual, I will help you. Isn’t that what you read this for? No? You read it because I post photos of hot girls? Well, how are you going to pick up the hot girl if she wouldn’t bring you home to her parents? Always be the guys she’ll tale her to her parents, even if you’re only signed up for one night.

First of, let’s go ahead and nix your oversize blazer. You look hideous. If you’re not going to take the time to get it properly fitted, then you should probably go ahead and leave it behind in your closet. I understand that you got it vintage (from a thrift store), but that just means you really need to get it tailored. If you only spent $10 on it, then why not go for a quick tailor job? I go to a modest place, where the lady tells me, “I make you handsome.” You know what? She does. She makes me look so handsome, and it’s at a decent price. Come on… go give it a shot. Google your local tailor and run to him/her. You won’t regret it. I bought a blazer two weeks ago that was a size big. It was on sale, and I wanted it, so I bought it. I went to my lady, and she make me handsome. I gave her a big tip, because the lady works magic.

It’s also time, as I’ve told you before, to get some new shoes. It kills me how people will spend money on things they don’t need, but refuse to buy some decent shoes. I mean, really, do you need another ridiculous hat? While I’m on the subject, hats shouldn’t be worn all the time. It bugs me to no end to see someone in their work clothes, before or after work, wearing a hat. Come on, what are you doing? Is the sun in your eyes? Get some sunglasses. I have a Yankees cap from God knows how long ago, and it’s the only one I wear. Let’s save the Yankees hatred for another blog, please! Now, I don’t wear it with anything but jeans and a teeshirt. You should also throw away your trucker hat. I never agreed with that fad anyways. You realize it was started by Aston Kutcher, right? In keeping with the head wear talk - Ladies, headbands are hot. Take the scrunchies out of your hair, and put on a headband. They’re so friggin’ cute. (Haha… scrunchies.) Wait… wasn’t I talking about shoes? Yes, I think I was. So, either clean your shoes, or buy some new ones. Just like your hat, there’s no reason for you wear tennis all the time. I love my Nike Toph’s, but I’m not wearing them every day. They’re good for the gym and for those jeans and teeshirts days. Buy some standard black and brown shoes and wear them accordingly.  By the way, at this point in your life you should aware that, brown goes with brown and black goes with black. Never shall the two intertwine.

While we’re talking about colors, I don’t even think you should risk a navy blue shirt with black shoes. It’s not bad, but it just doesn’t look right. Colors are a tricky little turkey. A friend of mine once said, “Pink should be worn with brown, not black.” I don’t necessarily agree with him, but I do understand where he’s coming from. As you know, I’m not opposed to wearing a black suite with a pink shirt or a pink tie. I do think that it’s a color that goes either way, so wear at your own risk.

Ladies, you know I wouldn’t leave you behind, because I never do. So, I want you to toss away your ridiculously ripped up jeans from college. I know some of you still have them, and I don’t care how comfortable they are you don’t need them anymore. You should also go ahead and trash your massively oversize earrings. They make your earlobe look like it’s about to detach itself from your ear, and that is not a pleasant sight. Oh, there are so many bad choices to point out here, I’m thinking it should be a blog of its own. I might be in minority here, but when it comes down to it simple is sexy. I think it’s always been that way, but somewhere people start to lose sight of it, and that’s sad. If you’ve learned anything here today, it’s gotta be that. Simple is sexy. Trust me.