Toph Speaks

It’s damn time we turned travel back into an art. Gone are the days when men would wear suits and carry proper luggage. Now, both men and women have resorted to wearing jeans, tee shirts, sweat pants, flip-flops, hats and carry the same hideous luggage that they use to take to the gym. It’s becoming quite embarrassing for our society. We look in pity as the lower class passengers trudge by us, with their dreadful heads hanging down between their legs and their cruddy sneakers untied and ugly. There’s just no reason for you to think that the travel guidelines have become so tight that you must subject yourself to this nonesense. It’s just going to take a little more knowhow and a little more willpower. Isn’t that what I’m for? Expanding your knowhow and style and maybe even a little bit of your willpower?

First of all, leave your jeans in your luggage. There is no reason you should wear jeans on a flight. Where this notion of jeans being more comfortable than slacks or khakis came from is beyond me, but for some reason every is wearing them. Have you tried wearing a suit on a plane? It’s so comfortable and no one can see when you’re excited while reading the porn you so bravely bought at the airport magazine stand. Why not try wearing a pair of relaxed chinos from Banana Republic? They look better, you have more room for your boys to roam and the chick beside you will think you’re important. You can tell her that you are, too. (Plus the ones one the link are on sale.)

Now, trust me when I say that no one needs to see your feet, so save the flip-flops for the beach. Ewe, our flight to Maui a few weeks ago I had to deal with a foot guy. Diabla played all coy and forced me to sit in the middle. (Don’t get married for this reason. Kiss the window seat goodbye.) There was all flight knowing how close this guy was to touching his bare foot against me. I almost puked. Fucking, economy class. Never again! Now, I’m a fan of throwing on some Steve Madden loafers and calling it a day. When you’re going through security they will be just as easy for you to slip off and on as flip-flops are, plus you can wear socks with them. Do you know how many dirty ass people walk on those floors?

The thing that’s going to set you apart from all the other a-holes is the luggage you choose. Whether they’ll admit it or not, chicks love a guy with taste, especially when it comes to things that translate into your spending habits on them. This is why I’ve always gone with Coach carry-ons. Girls love Coach, and if they see that you’ll buy it for yourself, then they think you’ll buy it for them. You’re in their skirt on the first layover, or sooner. My favorite is the Transatlantic Travel Case. It’s the perfect size for a small trip, or a longer one with your laptop. When it comes to checking in, nothing sets your bags apart like Louis Vuitton. I’m not telling you not to buy knock off, but if you do just make sure it looks good enough to not look and act like a knock off, you know? I was once picking up a girl at the turnstiles whose fake luggage fell apart as it came off the belt. Poor girl had panties and bras everywhere. Yeah, I still had sex with her, but it was pity sex, you know? Oh, and check out the Louis Vuitton golf bag. I’m not sure it gets much sexier.

Try these three tips, and your traveling experience should vastly improve. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but the hottest girls are at airports. They’re either coming or going, but play your cards right and you could well doing the same as them, if you know what I mean. Safe travels to you. Airport chicks are so hot, I don’t know why. I love them.