Toph Speaks

Well, we’re back for the second installment of your favorite annual Toph Speaks tradition, the Fall TV Preview. For a recap of the new shows, please check it out HERE. There’s so much to expect this year, because last year was so amazing on the small screen. By expectations, I am of course talking about why we’re all on this damn blog, and that’s for the skillets. I’m not going to go into much details about the returners, since they’re returners and if you aren’t watching then don’t bother getting on the bandwagon. Be sure to check the bottom for the returning winners, as well as the total network winners. With that said, let’s get into the Returning Shows…

The Rating System

- Smallville

- The hottest skillets on TV

- Exceeds most TV shows

- A couple of great skillets

- Seriously? Did you even try?

Even - You’re just pathetic. Make a decision.

Negative - You should be ashamed of yourself.

Monday

Dancing w/ the Stars | ABC - I know 2 things. 1. Mark Cuban is on the show for God knows why. and 2. ABC has officially become gAyBC. Even

How I Met Your Mother | CBS - I still think it’s a clever show, and I still think Cobie Smulders is hot, as is Alyson Hannigan. But, what makes it good is the other random girls that they bring in and out of the show. Plus, it’s 30 minutes and on a Monday. What else do you have going on?

Deal or No Deal | NBC - No brainer.

Prison Break | Fox - Let’s see… a bunch of dudes trying to get out of prison. Ugh… Negative
Everybody Hates Chris | The CW - This is not looking good. Negative

Two and a Half Men | CBS - Alright, I still don’t like the show, but they usually have hot chicks running in and out. Unfortunately, that doesn’t help their skillet rating. Come on people, you need skillets as the leads, not extras.

Rules of Engagement | CBS - To be honest the show is not funny, but Bianca Kajilich is hot (even if she is married to Landon Donovan). Unfortunately, that about does it for this show. This year is still not looking good.

Heroes | NBC - Thankfully, a show that does it right, and lucky for us she’s finally legal. How is that even possible at 18? Joining Hayden is Ali Larder, and Dania Ramírez. Sure, there are others, but at least we’re off to a good start.

The Bachelor | ABC - Stupid ABC, making shows that La Diabla becomes addicted to. I guess it could be worse, though. I mean, it is a show about all these chicks who get drunk and do dirty things. Hell, it’s a great show, or it would be if I was The Bachelor.

CSI:Miami | CBS - Well, it’s set in Miami, which means sexy Latina women. Aye Dios Mio! Emily Procter can be hot, and of course she can be not. Eva LaRue is special, but that about does it. You have to pray for extras here.

Tuesday

NCIS | CBS - I’ve done the research, and they’re just not there. No skillets for anyone. Negative

The Biggest Loser | NBC - FAT PEOPLE ALERT! Negative

Beauty and the Geek | The CW - Like Chuck, this is also basically about Beau. A bunch of hot girls surrounding nerds. The nerds don’t know what to do, but because they have accents are smart, the girls love it. Well, at least the chicks are hot.

The Unit | CBS - Could be a porn title. Unfortunately, it’s not and there are no chicks. Don’t bother. Negative

House | Fox - Everyone’s favorite show. Well, I hate it. Lisa Edelstein is ugly as sin, and so is Jennifer Morrison. Jennifer is so ugly that she got dumped… or married. Even

Boston Legal | ABC - I am still under the opinion that this is the smartest and funniest show on TV, but it’s extremely underrated. The cast, however, is not too bad. I’ll start with Constance Zimmer, who has the most unhot name in the world, but she’s cute. Follow that with Julie Bowen and that sexy Candice Bergen, and you’re good to go. Plus, there’s always a lot of hotness running in and out this show. It’s pretty dirty, actually.

Law & Order: SVU | CBS - Unless you think Ice T is hot, then don’t bother. Even

Wednesday

America’s Next Top Model | The CW - The name really says it all, and yes I still think Tyra is hot.

Criminal Minds | CBS - I was hoping to throw you guys a curve ball and rank this as a 4 skillet, but they’re all ugly. Even

CSI:NY | CBS - Is every show on CBS, and are they all about chicks who aren’t hot? Jesus. Even

One Tree Hill | The CW - Now this is a show I can still get behind. This season we’re jumping 5 years ahead, and apparently K-Fed is going to make an appearance, but that doesn’t stop the talented 4-some of past Skillet of the Week winner Sophia Bush, Hilarie Burton, Bethany J. Galeotti, and Danneel Harris. Plus, the moms are hot - Moira Kelly and Barbara Alyn Woods.

(If you’re wondering where Lost is, ask stupid ABC. It won’t be back till February.)

Thursday

Ugly Betty | ABC - Another past Skillet of the Week winner, Becki Newton, all but headlines this show. Add her to cast of Rebecca Romijn, Ana Ortiz, old ass Vanessa Williams, plus a slew of hot extras and you have success. And you know what? America Ferrera is pretty cute, too. Thanks, gAyBC.

Survivor | CBS - Who knows? I miss Colleen and Elisabeth. Even

My Name is Earl | NBC - Well, it’s got Jamie Pressley and a sweet mustache on Jason Lee.

30 Rock | NBC - So, unless you like Tina Fey and Jane Krakowski, you’re not gonna think this show is skillets. You will however, think it’s funny as hell and enjoy when Katrina Bowden is on the screen. Actually, I think Tina Fey is freakishly hot, so do with that what you will, and suck on these…

Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? | Fox - How much trouble will I get in for putting 4 skillets here? Let’s just leave it blank, eh?

Smallville | The CW - Best show ever. When Laura Vandervoort was the Skillet of the Week, I wrote this: If you’re Tom Welling, otherwise known as Clark Kent, you’re living the dream, right? You play the world’s hero, you’re surrounded by a cast of Allison Mack, Erica Durance, and, of course, Kristen Kreuk, and now Vandervoort joins the cast. I mean, what more could you ask for? He’s a bastard. I still stand by that. Congratulations, Smallville, for earning the first

Grey’s Anatomy | ABC - I have a love / hate relationship with Grey’s. I mean, I think Ellen Pompeo is cute at best (unless we’re talking about that photo), Sandra Oh is leaning on the ugly side, and Katherine Heigl is just flat out hot. So really, I’m not sure why I am still watching. Oh, because La Diabla loves it. This just in, I forgot that they added Chyler Leigh as a new cast member! You remember how hot she is in Not Another Teen Movie, don’t you?

CSI | CBS - I’m so damned sick of these that I’m giving it a negative .

The Office | NBC - As far as comedy goes, The Office is the best thing on TV and any ABC sales person trying to convince themselves that Cavemen is should be shot. Luckily, The Office has Jenna Fischer and Rashida Jones. And, just because I love this show, here’s the preview for this season.

Scrubs | NBC - Despite what you think there’s not much hotness on this show anymore. Maybe there was, but the show has run its course. Sarah Chalke is still cute and Judy Reyes is meh, but at least it’s funny.

Supernatural | The CW - A show about 2 brothers killing ghosts? I thought this was The CW? Negative

Without a Trace | CBS - Again, don’t even bother. Negative

ER | NBC - Why hasn’t there been a single hot girl on this show? I just don’t get it. Well, at least there’s still women on it, right? Even

Friday

Men in Trees | ABC - Wow, thanks for another smash hit, ABC. Anne Heche and a bunch of dudes. Just what America needs. I guess she’s not a lesbian any more. Negative

Ghost Whisperer | CBS - All I need is Jennifer Love Hewitt. Thanks, CBS, unlike your ABC counterpart, you delivered on a Friday. Is it weird that she still does it for me?

1 vs. 100 | NBC - Bob Sagat still loves Friday. Even

Las Vegas | NBC - Las Vegas is in Smallville ratings for me, and since this is my blog you’ll have to like it. Let’s just list them, shall we? Vanessa Marcil, Molly Sims, Nikki Cox and joining this year, Camille Guaty. Also, Tom Selleck bought the casino, so that’s cool.

Numb3rs | CBS - Crime show + CBS = shot me. Even

Friday Night Lights | NBC - I hate to do this, but Minka Kelly! Yes, I am a Minka Kelly fan, and she’s not the only thing this show has going for it. It also includes Aimee Teegarden, Adrianne Palicki, and even our friend from another show (and Swingers alum) Brooke Langton. Plus, it’s set in High School. What more do you need?

Sunday

Desperate Housewives | ABC - I don’t care what you say, Eva Longoria is hot. If you try and say otherwise, then I will direct you to HERE, HERE, HERE and HERE. That is how you earn 4 skillets. There are other women on the show as well, but they are not why we watch.

Cold Case | CBS - Shut up, CBS. Negative

Brothers & Sisters | ABC - What more can I say? Sally Field. Oh, and Emily VanCamp is really hot, too.

Shark | CBS - I don’t have time to care about this show, but maybe you do. I don’t think any of these chicks will make me change what I’m watching or TiVo it. Not even Sarah Carter, well… maybe her. Even

Totals

NBC - 22

CBS - 5

The CW - 15

ABC - 12
FOX - Negative 1 - (Is there anything besides Cartoons and Idol on Fox anymore?)

Grand Totals

NBC - 31

The CW - 19

ABC - 14

CBS - 10
FOX - Negative 4

And, here’s last years… back when I was on myspace… Fall TV Preview… Returning Shows