Toph Speaks

I have never hated someone as much as I hate Steve Kerr. I remember back in high school I was dating this girl, April, and she cheated on me. I got so mad that I went to that guy’s house to kick his ass, and he ended up kicking my ass. I called it homefield advantage, but it was very humiliating, and after the whole situation I congratulated him on being a better human being than me. I tell you this story for 2 reasons:  1. I hate Steve Kerr more than that guy, and 2. I was actually the other guy, but I do feel sorry for beating your ass back in high school, Paul. She was worth it for those 2 weeks of sweet lovemaking.

I know it’s weird to have such deep hatred for a guy I’ve never met, but I feel like he’s my mortal enemy of sorts. Wait; do you even know who Steve Kerr is? Well, click his name for christsakes. I’d like to break down the reasons I hate Steve Kerr, or should I call him “Captain of the Lucky Bitches?”

Steve was born in Beirut, Lebanon. Why is this important? My Beirut (beer pong) record currently stands at 83 - 10. I have dropped 10 straight Beirut matches dating back to learning that Steve Kerr was born in Beirut, Lebanon. This is not a coincidence, and it always leads to this.

Bloody Steve had a rough go of things early in his NBA years, and this made me really happy. However, he was signed to the Bulls in 1993. Wow, the Bulls, huh Steve? How do you think that Bulls team faired with Steve Kerr? Not so good. They made the playoffs, sure, but were way too crappy to actually be anything of substance. Then what happened? Jordan comes back, they win the whole damn thing and go 72-10. In 1997, fucking Steve hit the game winning shot in the Finals against the Jazz. Now, the idiot is known for hitting this shot, but after Jordan has torched the Jazz all series, they have all hands on deck. Basically, it’s Jordan verse the Jazz. So, Jordan passes to a wide-open Steve Kerr, who hits the shot. I could have hit that damn shot. Steve Kerr has just won Back-to-Back NBA titles. Watch the video and tell me I’m wrong.

At this point, he has just won the NBA finals for his team, and what happens? The Bulls trade him. Why? Because they recognize that the guy is crap. Kerr ends up on the goddamned Spurs, who I hate more than Steve Kerr. The Spurs end up playing the ‘03 Mavs, arguably the greatest Mavs team ever, in the Western Conference Finals. Steve hasn’t played a minute in this series, and in game 6, with the Spurs down big, that ass clown rips out my heart. He luckily hits 4 wide open 3 pointers, that dragged the Spurs into the NBA Finals, and on to another friggin’ ring - his fourth. Of course, he can’t do it again, and the Spurs sure as hell don’t want him, so he retires like a bitch.

At this point, it can’t get any worse, right? Sorry, it does. Right after the idiot’s retirement, he goes straight to the booth to be the sidekick of arguably the best announcer in the history of the NBA, Marv Albert. His biggest contribution announcing next to Marv was entitled, Steve’s Refreshing Thoughts, which had something to do with “interesting” NBA facts. It was stupid. Just like Steve. I didn’t do this video, and it’s boring, but I hate Steve Kerr.

And now this, the dagger in this Steve Kerr haters heart, as Steve Kerr became the GM of the Phoenix Suns. Really, Steve, the Phoenix Suns? You’re taking over arguably the best team in the NBA besides the Mavs? Michael Jordan took the Bobcats, because he wants to build something. You took over the Suns. The Suns. Are you kidding me? Nash? Amare? Marion? Wow, Steve, good luck making that team work. Just like everything else in your life, have fun in someone else’s success. Wait, what was the first thing you did as GM? You traded two #1 picks and Kurt Thomas to the Sonics for a #2 pick. You gave a team with Kevin Durant, Jeff Green, Luke Ridnour, Wally, and Collison, Kurt Thomas and two #1 picks?!?! Thanks Steve, you asshole.

I hate you Steve Kerr… I hate you.

And for no good reason… Dallas Maverick Dancers!