Ask Toph XVII…

Man, the new blog has taken me away from what’s important, helping all you lost souls out with your problems. Forgive me, but I’m back with a brand new edition of Ask Toph. I did want to alert the masses and tell you that all Ask Toph questions can be directed to my new email – toph@tophspeaks.com. Yeah, how sexy is that?

I’m going to skip the rants, and just go right to the questions. (And the chick’s myspace up top is here, in case anyone is curious.)

Mary in Dallas, TX – Toph, does this mean… that… that… we’re over?

- Are you referring to the marriage, Mary? If that’s the case, then of course not. It means we’ve just begun. Especially if I can convince La Diabla into an open marriage for me. Naturally, she would not be allowed to participate. No one is sticking their peen into my lady and living to see the next day. Luckily for us, Mary, her English still isn’t so good, so it won’t be hard to convince her. Tell you what, just send your info to the new email address, which is toph@tophspeaks.com. I’m sure I’ll have all this straightened out by the time I’m back in Dallas. Just diddle yourself until I return, sexual biscuit.

Jill in Chapel Hill, NC – Hi, Toph. What’s your take on this LC – Heidi fight?

- I don’t know, I’m going back and forth on it. I mean, the point in all of this is that Whitney is cute as shit, right? Who cares about the other two. Did you hear Heidi’s song, though? I guarantee you that everyone would have loved it, had Spencer not had been rapping and they didn’t know it was Heidi. People are dumb, and just accept things like bad dance songs. What I have wondered, is whether or not all this drama has been cooked up by the heads at MTV. I mean, The Hills ran the tables on Monday for the debut. Can you believe that? They’re probably still best friends, and LC probably produced Heidi’s track. We’ll find all this out in season 4.

Phil in Saratoga, NY – Toph, what new shows are you watching this season?

- Oh, Phil. You don’t think I’m answering that on an Ask Toph, do you? You little moron. Keep checking in for the Fall TV/Skillet Preview. I wouldn’t let you down.

BJ in Little Rock, AK – Yo, Toph. I need a job. Can you help?

- Stand in line, dude.

Mark in Canada – How do you find time to be awesome every day? I mean, I’ve read your stuff on Myspace, WordPress, Live Journal, seen your video blog on YouTube, and now you have your own site. You have gone from a political blogger, to a daily goings-on blogger, to a sex blogger, to a self-help blogger, a sports blogger, to a celeb blogger. Each time you change you bring the old school with you. Man, how do you do it?

- If you think that’s amazing, you should see the size of my peen ego. It’s massive.

Erica in SF, CA – Hey cutie! What’s your favorite part of a lady?

My favorite part? Wow, I have so many. I am definitely an ass man. But, let’s move outside the obvious and get into the sexy, shall we? Join me on the skillet train. I’ve always been a fan of the neck, but more importantly, the spot between the ears and shoulder. Turned on yet? Next is the highest part of the inner thigh, unless you’re one of those who don’t shave that. Please, for all of us, shave that. Then, I’ll always be a fan of the lower stomach, right below your sexy panties. Oh girl… you’re so sex.

Charlie in Philly, PA – Hey Toph… who should I draft in my fantasy football league?

Well, Peyton Manning, LT, Chad Johnson, the Ravens D… I mean what kind of question is this? Draft the best player available you ass.  By the way, the Eagles are stupid.

Harlot in Boston – Any plans on coming to East Coast for a blog tour?

Haha, if by that you mean a tour around the country filled with one night stands, drunken nights, and tourist days then yes. Dates will be announced soon. For those that don’t know, I used to do blog tours, much like a book tour or a rock and roll tour, where I’d basically hit up as many bars in one city and do as many sexuals as I could. It was out of control and I haven’t done it in a while. Basically, I should be back out once I iron out the open relationship details. Two summers ago, the tour started out on Florida and worked it’s way up to New York. This year, was Palm Springs up to San Francisco. I am planning another East Coast tour followed by a European tour. So, stay tuned for that. Our Sexuals Tour ’05 T-Shirts may make a return. We sold out in 20 minutes, and never made more. Those T-shirts were awesome.

Veronica – Toph!!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!

I love you, too.

Late.