Toph Speaks

Back in 1999 a lot of things were happening. I had just graduated high school, and the whole world was my oyster. I would like to think that back then I was a wise and learned man, but let’s be honest, I was an idiot. I did have one clever idea, though. I was supposed to wait until the year 2009 to bring it out and use it, but I needed a blog idea for today. So, 7 or 8 years ago I thought that I would write down an interview with myself in the future. You know, to see how things have progressed and to see how badass I am at this point in my life. I also wanted to see if the Toph of old would kick my ass. Naturally, I anticipated for some adlib reactions, because I would need it flow, and there was no way of doing that in 1999. So, here it is. Toph circa 1999 meet Toph 2007.

Toph ‘99 - Wow, so is it really you? Did I really come back and do this?

Toph ‘07 - Yeah, I guess we really did.

Toph ‘99 - That’s so cool! So, What’s up?

Toph ‘07 - Oh, ummm… it’s “Sup” now. Sorry no one told you, but we don’t say “What’s up?” You look foolish. You can also say, “Saps,” “Sappinin” or any variation. But nothing is up, though. Just hanging out at work. What are you doing?

Toph ‘99 - I am hanging out in my room, getting things packed and ready to go to OBU.

Toph ‘07 - HAHAHHAHAAH!

Toph ‘99 - Why is that funny?

Toph ‘07 - Nothing. Sorry… you’re going to love OBU. But, listen, when you decide it’s a good idea to yell down at Michael from the balcony to smoke cigarettes, just stop and be quiet. It’s going to cost you a shit load of money. One the other side though, it’s going to help you get the hell out of there, so maybe go ahead and do it.

Toph ‘99 - It’s going to be cool going to college.

Toph ‘07 - Well, it is… but wait till you get back to Texas. It’s going to get even better at Texas Wesleyan.

Toph ‘99 - So, I have to ask… Are we still in a closet Yankee fan?

Toph ‘07 - Oh, yeah. We came out for a little bit, but we had to duck back in. Let me tell you this Toph ‘99, you’re going to hate being a Yankees fan in the upcoming years. They’re going to be so good that you will have to find a massive closet to hid in, especially this year. You think last year’s World Series was awesome, just wait until they sweep a certain team who shall be unnamed in the Series. ‘99 was a great year in sports for us, Toph ‘99. We got to go to 2 Yankee playoff games, and watch them sweep the Rangers. It was pretty fantastic. Also, don’t be so hard on Dirk and Nash. They’re going to be pretty good. Lastly, it’s going to be while until the Cowboys start winning again, so just hangout and wait. I’m still waiting.

Toph ‘99 - Well, that’s good. So, what plays have we done?

Toph ‘07 - Oh, well, you might be a little disappointed me, young Toph. We haven’t done much acting since college. We did a few plays here and there, and believe it or not we did a musical, but just one. Unfortunately, you never played your dream role of Biff in Death of a Salesman, but you did play Algernon in Importance of Being Earnest. You were amazing, if I do say so myself. You packed the house every night, and everyone loved it. But, it was time to move on, and make money. You were pretty fucking broke. I believe in 2005 you made a total of $4,000. Yeah, that wasn’t really cutting it.

Toph ‘99 - Be honest. How many chicks are we doing right now?

Toph ‘07 - I didn’t want to tell you this, but I’m just doing one. You’re not going to like this at all, and I probably shouldn’t just tell you, but Toph ‘99, we’re getting married in 3 weeks.

Toph ‘99 - WHAT?!?! What the hell are you thinking? You’re ruining my life. I’m doing at least 4 chicks right now.

Toph ‘07 - I KNOW! You’ll be OK with it, though. Just give it time. She’s really cool, funny and hot.

Toph ‘99 - I’m so mad at you.

Toph ‘07 - I know.

Toph ‘99 - I’m changing the subject.

Toph ‘07 - Good.

Toph ‘99 - Are we in New York?

Toph ‘07 - Shit, I’m disappointing you a lot, huh? We lived in New York for a little while, but now we live in San Francisco. I know, it’s weird. New York was amazing, though. You lived with Ray, Bea and her husband Guav. Can you believe Bea is married and Ray is engaged? So, it’s not just us, dude. It’s everyone. But yeah, Bea was first. You were a paralegal in New York, but you lost your job when you went to DisneyWorld the second week of being employed. That was smart, man. Good thinking. You went back to Dallas a few months later, and started working for the Dallas Morning News. I’d say this was a pretty good idea. You meet some of your best friends there. Most importantly, you made real money.

Toph ‘99 - How’s track going?

Toph ‘07 - That’s your fault, buddy! You’re the one who started smoking a pack a day. It’s also somehow Jon’s fault, too. Due to lung capacity we stopped running cross country and track. Well, that and the fact that OBU wouldn’t allow you to run and be a theatre major. You’re going to hate that place. Sorry I put you through that. Sucks to be you.

Toph ‘99 - Tell me about yourself.

Toph ‘07 - Well, Toph ‘99, nothing is what you expected, and that’s a good thing. I know you thought you were going to act forever, but this is pretty cool. Believe it or not you work for the internet. I still don’t know what we do exactly, but you make great money for a great company. I won’t give you too many details, but you also did sales for 2 major daily newspapers. That’s right… newspapers. No one reads them anymore, but that’s not entirely your fault. Other than that, you’ve got basically the same friends, and you’ve added a few more. They’re all really kick ass. Plus, you’re getting married in a couple of weeks, you’re getting a badass bachelor party, and you’re moving into an amazing apartment in Russian Hill or Pac Heights, or whatever. I’d say, you’re pretty excited about life.

Toph ‘99 - We didn’t go to law school, did we?

Toph ‘07 - How did you know? Of course we didn’t. We were going to, and had a pretty easy ride into Texas Wesleyan Law School, but you thought it would suck and wanted to have fun. So, instead of being out of law school and practicing, we’re messing around on a blog. Maybe it was a good decision. You’re going to like this, though, today at work you’re wearing a t-shirt, flipflops, jeans, and a Yankees cap. Not much has changed as far as your wardrobe goes.

Toph ‘99 - So, I’m still wearing hemp necklaces?

Toph ‘07 - You shut your mouth with that talk.

Toph ‘99 - I bet my hair is super long, blond and amazing right now.

Toph ‘07 - Shit, yeah, you had to shave your head at OBU. I told you you’d hate that place. That’s basically the last time your hair is out of control. Now more spikes all around, super long, black, or anything like that. It’s, well… it’s been like the picture above for sometime now. Sorry.

Toph ‘99 - You suck. Hey, how many Dave concerts have we been to now?

Toph ‘07 - A lot of them. I think we’re at 10 or 11 at this point. Believe it or not, you still love Dave Matthews, Ben Folds, The Beatles, The Eels, and Weezer. Unfortunately, you don’t listen to as much gangster rap.

Toph ‘99 - That sucks. I love gangster rap.

Toph ‘07 - What are you doing, Toph ‘99?

Toph ‘99 - I told you I was packing. Mom is worried about me moving to Oklahoma, and I don’t blame her. I’m sure I’ll impregnate a few chicks along the way, right? Dad is watching the Rangers game, screaming about how badly their losing. Things are good. Every thing is in front of me. The world is my oyster, no?

Toph ‘07 - It is right now. Maybe not so much in 2007.

Toph ‘99 - I’m looking forward to it.

Toph ‘07 - You should. It’s a fucking blast getting here.

Toph ‘99 - Any words of advice?

Toph ‘07 - Yeah. You’re going to have a little motto starting right now, that you have to be sure you follow. “Make it happen.” Toph, if you do that, you’ll be good to go. You’re sex, and you know it. So, that’s all you can do. Just make it happen. Don’t worry about shit, because you’ll work it out. Be funny. Keep ‘em laughing, and you’ll enjoy it. Oh, and when two guys named Bisch and Ryan want to hang out, just accept it. They’re strange, but you’ll adjust. And the chick that you’re doing tonight? Pay a little attention to what she wants. Trust me. It will be worth it.

Toph ‘99 - How did you know?

Toph ‘07 - Because, you’re doing her tomorrow, too.

Toph ‘99 - Laaaater.

Toph ‘07 - Damnit, Toph. We just say “Late” now. So, “Late”……..