Ask Toph the Celebrity Edition…

Good day lovers, and how sexy do we look today? Every morning before I go to work I ask myself one question, “Would I do myself?” If the answer is yes, then I go on my way. If the answer is no, then I fix it. You can’t sit around and feel sorry for yourself all the time. Who cares if no one else would stick you, as long as you’d stick yourself, then everything will be fine. You know what I mean, dumplin? But don’t worry, even if no one else will poke your sweetness, I probably would. I have no standards.

So, my birthday was yesterday. I’m old. Point being, Rani, Ryan and La Diabla put together an amazing weekend back in Dallas. Drunk would be a major understatement. Why am I telling you this? Well, I’m back in SF and the changes are quite different. I went from smoking in the bar, eating lots of meat, and driving to every destination to today. Let me see if I can briefly illustrate the difference between SF and Dallas. This morning, back in SF, I woke up and got to the bus stop (keep in mind, I have a new Jetta sitting at my parents in Dallas). I couldn’t get on the bus because my bus pass was expired by one day. Sweet! I got to go back and scrounge up some change so I could pay to get to work. I have to take 2 buses to work, that’s right 2, but between waiting for the second one I have my morning smoke. My ritual since January of this year had been getting off the 1 bus, and sitting on a stoop and having a smoke. Well, today a placed called Mixed Greens opened. I had been watching the construction and it seemed like a cool place. I’m sitting, admiring the new place, and smoking when a chick comes out and tells me I have to leave. WTF, mate? I asked why, and she tells me, “Well, it’s a Green Place, and vegetarians eat here, so we’re enforcing the 20 ft. rule. That means, no smoking within 20 feet of a door – a sweet rule in San Francisco that makes no sense because how can you actually measure the feet, and who gives a shit. Plus! Last time I check, a majority of vegetarians were hippie bitches who wore hemp, smoke weed and cigarettes, and couldn’t afford a $20 dollar salad. So, I walked to the door, measured 20 ft. and kept smoking. I will do this every day for the rest of my life, because I am a dick to people. Welcome back to San Francisco, Toph.

Now, this is a special edition of Ask Toph. I often get questions from celebrities that I do not tell you guys about. I try to protect their immunity, but then I became a global phenomenon. Now, nothing is off limits. Welcome to Ask Toph the Celebrity Edition.

On to the questions…

Jesse Metcalfe in Waterford, CT – Toph, I have a small peen. What do I do?

– Well Jesse, that sucks, but it’s not the end of the world. There are 2 options that are laid out in front of you, and just depends on the route you’re willing to take. You could date a midget. Think about it, Jess. What an amazing, heroic story you could tell your grandkids. The story of Jesse and the midget. Once upon a time, a young stallion had a small peen. Some say it was the smallest peen in the history of the world. The young stallion was sad, because all he wanted was love. A unicorn with magic came to the stallion and granted him one wish. Did the young stallion ask for a bigger peen? No, he’s not that smart. The young stallion wished for a tiny mustang with little hooves to appear and love him. And so kids, you were born 2 years later. Your mom left me for some guy named Cadillac. The End.
Or, you could just date a chick with tiny hands. Buy beers for the ladies, and see how their hands wrap around the bottle. If she has a hard time with the bottle, then you should be good to know. Always date chicks with small hands. It makes the peen look bigger.

Sandra Bullock in Fort Worth, TX – Happy Birthday, Toph!!!!!!

–Thanks, Dumplins.

Fidel Castro in Havana, Cuba – Toph-how do you feel about Cuban ladies? I mean, I know we’re not on the best terms with the USA right now…and never really have been. But, you’ve gotta give some props to our mamies! They are the hottest in the world! They’re even finer than our cigars. Any chance you can come down here and teach us all the act of being…how do you say…sex? I’ll life the trade embargo for you. Adiso, amigo!

–Hey, Fidel. After 200 attempts you finally get into Ask Toph. So, please, for the love of god, stop emailing me.

Tyrese in Malibu, CA. – Toph- my career is shot, man. The whole Too Fast/Too Furious thing really spiraled out of control. At first, I’m signing up to be in a cool movie with my boy Paul Walker. I’m getting bitches left and right. But, before I know it, I’m in my 3rd installment in the series, it’s fucking called “Tokyo Drift” (I don’t even like Asians), and I’m getting turned down for roles because people are saying that now I’m type-cast as an overly large black guy who can’t act. What do I do?

–Go back to Polo? I don’t know, you banged a lot of chicks back then. Or, you could go the Wesley Snipes/Omar Epps way and do a funny baseball movie. Basically, you need a feel good sports movie to make people like and respect you. Let’s see, Cool Runnings has been done, and so has The Air Up There so let’s rule those out. What about a sports movie based on the world of rugby? You could play a brit who gets into a lot of fights, and drinks a shit load of beers. Cast Claire Forlani or Kate Beckinsale as your love interest, and BOOM – you have a major hit. Shit, that sounds like a great movie.

Paris Hilton in Lockup, USA – Toph! Aloha from my sunny jail cell! Just wanted to know if you could send a poster of yourself for me to put up on the wall? you know…give my cell a little color. It’s so drab and boring in here. I need a picture of you to spice up my life. Hold on…the big lady names “Shakes” is here demanding my cocktail fruit… She’s hot.

–It’s in the mail, sugar.

The Hoff in Tinseltown, CA – Toph- do you like burgers? I fucking love burgers. They’re the best when you’re fuggin hammered.

–I’ve never loved anything more in my life. Let me ask you this, Hoff, do you like Taquitos from Whataburger? I’d say they kick the burgers ass any day of the drunken week.

Lindsay in Rehab, CA – Help………….

–We’re all with you. Let’s hope you get back to Mean Girls hotness.

Ben Affleck in Boston, MA – Remember me?

–Shhhh… I’m watching Casey in Last Kiss, Ocean’s 13, and The Assassination of Jesse James, due out later this year.

Jessica Alba, Rachel Bilson, Alessandra Ambrosio, Natalie Portman, Katharine McPhee, Minka Kelly, Kelly Hu, Vannesa Minnillo, Kelly Kapowski, Becki Newton, Evangeline Lilly, Bea Authur, Vanessa Marcil, Derek Jeter, April Scott in California – TOPH!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!

–Ladies, I know… I love you, too. Wink!

And, for a special treat… Here’s an IM conversation between Jeets and I from this morning.

Jeets
10:02
Toph-on a scale of 1-10, how sex is A-Rod? I want to know what I’m up against.

Toph
10:02
I need a point of reference Jeets.
Who’s a one and who’s a 10

Jeets
10:03
1 being Don Zimmer.
10 being, well, me.
Or Mussina…ladies love moose.

Toph
10:03
i was hoping for chick references

Jeets
10:03
oh
1 being Bud Selig’s wife (no offense, Bud).
10 being Pavano’s ex.

Toph
10:04
Well, C-Piddy’s wife is hot… I would say A-Rod is about a 6.
It’s mainly because of this… Sweet A-Rod

Jeets
10:04
Thanks, Toph. I feel better now.

And there you have it….