Toph Speaks

What contract in Hell did Nick Lachey sign to allow him to tag all this hotness? Listen, I’ve never been one to be jealous of another man’s conquest, especially when that man is somewhat famous, but you have to be kidding me? We’re talking about Nick Lachey. The guy is infatuated with Cincinnati Bearcat’s Basketball. Isn’t this the first sign of a problem? What respectable woman would date a guy who loves a team that once featured Danny Fortson, Ruben Patterson and Damon Flint? I had a friend who loved Cincy, and I stopped hanging out with him because of it. This is also the same guy that loves USC football. Come on, dude, it makes no sense. This guy is a joke. Yet, somehow, he’s managed to tag the likes of Jessica Simpson, Alyssa Milano, and now Vanessa Minnillo. Of course I’ll get some backlash for saying this, but what the hell is Vanessa Minnillo doing? I understand Jessica Simpson, because she’s too stupid to realize what she’s doing. This is the same girl who has now hooked up with John Mayer. She’s notorious for making poor decisions, and besides, did anyone know who this guy was before then? Can’t we all agree that Jessica Simpson’s boobies made this guy who he is? I will also let Alyssa Milano slide. She’s on the backside of her career, and at this point would do anything to get back into the limelight. So, dating him after the high profile breakup makes sense for someone like her. What I just can’t understand is why would someone like Vanessa Minnillo want to be with Nick Lachey. Vanessa was an MTV VJ for a while, and yet she accepts him despite the fact that he was a member of 98 Degrees. Maybe she forgot, because it was a while ago, but the band sucked hard, sweetie. If you don’t remember 98 Degrees, maybe you can remember his sad attempts at a solo career. Do you remember his solo CD called SoulO? I actually don’t, but then again I just checked the Wiki and found it. You can’t be serious, right? SoulO? As in, soul and solo? Wow. That is effin’ profound. Then, of course, you follow that up with his begging and pleading for J. Sims in an album called, What’s Left of Me. Seriously, Vanessa, do you want this to be you?

Look at all you have going for you right now, Vanessa. You just left TRL, where you kept people watching due to your hotness factor. You’re a big deal on a celeb tabloid show, and you’re in the new Fantastic 4 movie. You’ve got shit going for you. You have tons of things you promote, and you’re going to do a lot more. Vanessa, you used to be with Derek Jeter! Jeets! How can you go from Derek Jeter, greatest shortstop to ever play the game (sorry Ozzie and Ripken), to Nick Lachey? Jeets is clutch. To top it off, you’re a Filipina! It makes no sense. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe you have it figured out. Maybe you’re looking for the contract Lachey made with the devil. I hope you find it soon and get this shit over with. While you’re at it, find Hayden Christensen’s contract and rip it up, too. We need you and Rachel Bilson back.