I thought, since I have picked up so many new readers, I should give you the Best of Ask Toph. It’s nothing much really, just a little insider to what you have been missing for the past 4 years. Here you go…
Steve in Seattle, WA – Hey Toph, there’s this chick in my speech class and I have to get her notice me. I want to make the sex with her and I may even stay to cuddle. Please help.
- Steve, I would just make an awesome speech about flowers. Chicks love flower speeches. Make sure you talk about how you stole flowers from a neighbor’s garden and how lovely it was. Then, after scoring a righteous A on the speech, sit down and tell her the story was about the neighbor’s daughter. No doubt she’ll ask you to start making babies immediately. Take it slow, Steve. There’s really no reason you can’t start making gravy noodles immediately.
Anonymous in Cleveland, OH – Man, I have been prematurely ejaculating. It happens all the time, dude. The other night I was with a lady and I saw a magazine with the chick from Soprano’s on it and I started making gravy. That chick was pissed, seriously. It’s not just that though, it happens all the time. What do I do?
- First thing, Anon, is not to panic. I make gravy every time I see Meadow Soprano. Did you play a sport growing up? Here’s what I do when entertaining a lady. First, I make shrimp and grits 3 times before she comes over. That way I can last a while when it’s time to eat. Then, while eating the main course, I think about what it was like when I used to play First Base. I start with the first inning and work my way through 9 innings. If your lady is still breathing at the bottom of the ninth, then maybe you can take it extra innings.
Sarah in Pittsburg, PA – Toph, what’s the first thing you notice on a girl?
– Her naked. Most guys will say they notice a girl’s eyes, their hair, or their smile. Most immature guys will say they notice a girl’s tits, ass and legs. But a gentleman doesn’t notice anything on a women until she is completely naked in front of him. Then we will decide if we like it when she is on top of us. If we don’t, we’ll finish and never talk to you again. If we do, then we’ll go on that first date you’ve been waiting for. By the way, Sarah, thanks for sending those naked pics.
Jill in Mystic, CT – It’s a cold winter, Toph. What are some ways to keep warm during these harsh winters?
– Lots of finger banging and blankets.
Everyman in Everywhere, USA – Toph, what happens when your girlfriend starts to suck?
- Break up with her. There comes a time in every man’s life when he must make a decision to leave a lady or stay with her. Now, it could easily happen when you decide that, “Shit, I’m 25. If I get rid of this bitch, then I could live the dream. I make plenty of money, I could get a sweet place of my own, put in a foosball table and a flat screen, and fuck bitches all night. I could be invincible.” But, listen, you are not me, so you might want to rethink it. She cooks for you. You’re almost guaranteed sex when she’s not pissed at you. She’ll show up to events with you, and she won’t complain all the time. I mean sure, sometimes when you’re at an amazing party she’ll get a headache and ruin your fun. Or, if you want steak, she’ll want a salad. Of course, that makes you look like a fat ass. You can go a head and count on her not laughing at your jokes, and making you feel like shit on a daily basis. She will also hate you looking at porn, watching football, well, every sport, and sitting around in your boxers and socks scratching your balls. She doesn’t like that. Also, go ahead and tell your friends goodbye, unless they’re in a relationship with a girl she likes, because you won’t get to see them ever again. She won’t tolerate the friend whose with a different chick every time either.
WHOA!!! Dump her and make noodles with every lady you see!!!
Diane in Jackson, MS – Toph, I was thinking of killing myself. Should I?
- Eh… it’s definitely something to think about. You’re kinda hot, so I don’t know. I’m so indecisive when it comes to saving other people’s lives. Okay, if you’re not planning on changing anything, then go ahead and kill yourself. Here’s why. You’re very kind of hot. You confuse me with the kind-of-hotness factor. Whenever I am confused with the kind-of-hotness factor, that I will do you and that’s it. Everyone feels that way, but most won’t admit it. So, you’re going to have to step it up if you want me to tell you to live. First off, move out of Mississippi, and join a gym. I want tight abs, a tight ass, and your boobs are great as is. Go to a salon and fix your hair. Then, get your nails done. Get your eyebrows waxed, and maybe go ahead and get your lip waxed. Laser surgery your underarms, and go ahead and get you vag lasered, too. Listen, I shouldn’t have to tell you what I want to fuck. Pick up a Maxim and start emulating. You think we have unrealistic expectations? We don’t, they’re very realistic. Look at the magazines. Women like that do exist, and you can be one. You think the Hometown Hotties aren’t real? Step it up. Wear nice thongs, a skirt, and a sexy little shirt and we’re in business.
Lucy in Miami, OH – Toph, I have an STD and can’t get rid of it. I promised myself I’d never be a statistic, what do I do?
- Lucy, it’s too late, you are now a statistic. But, there is no reason that you can’t be the #1 statistic. Here’s how, sleep with as many Ohio boys as possible. Then, there will be a new stat that comes out. It will be: Number of boys with Lucy’s STD. Don’t be a statistic, be the statistic.
Tank in Des Moines, IA – Toph, I have bit of a problem. Whenever I finish having sex with a lady, I don’t know what to do. Please help.
- Tank, this is a great question. If (and let’s hope, Tank) you are wearing a condom, make her take it off with her teeth, and eat it. I have heard that it can be a yummy snack. You can say clever things like, “remember that door you came in through, find it”. Or you can do my personal favorite, which is, get up, grab a towel, throw it at her and say, “Clean it”. Chicks dig that, Tank, they do indeed.
Chuck in Dallas, TX – Toph, I bought a nice pair of brown leather pants, and I love them. But, for some reason I have been getting weird looks from men, and some slaps on the ass, too. Is it because of the pants?
- Chuck, I want you to know that I put forth a lot of effort in answering these questions, and really do want to help. With that said, I went and bought a pair of brown leather pants as research for your question. I put on my pants this morning and wore them to work. On my way in a group of construction guys whooped and hollered as I came in. After I arrived I was greeted with butt slaps and strange smiles. It was nice, but it was definitely the pants. Get rid of them. I’m keeping mine though… for research…
Phil in Charlotte, NC – Toph, I hate you.
- Phil, I am sorry. I understand it, though. You probably hate me because I am completely awesome. Yes, I have a website that is blowing up called TheToph.com, a clothing line that is being worn by Rachel Bilson and all of her hot friends called Toph T’s, and I have sex with multiple partners a week, each one hotter than the other. I understand it Phil, and I don’t blame you. Here’s my advice. Shades in rotation. It’ll help you. When I was a child, I was a bit nerdy, until I came upon my first pair of sunglasses. At that moment, my life became clear. I grew a mustache and started kicking ass. I was 8, Phil. Do you know what an 8 year with a ’stache and sunglasses looks like? Badass. That’s what. Get you’re shit together, Phil. It’s about time you did so…
(From Ask Toph I) – From Micheal in Baltimore, MD – “Toph, I think my girlfriend is cheating on me. What do I do?”
- Well, Mike, do you mind if I call you Mike, the best thing to do is start cheating on her. Make sure you are having the sex at your place and invite her over. When she sees you churning the butter with the other girl her reaction will tell you all you need to know. If she’s like, “eh, what can you do.” Then, chances are she is cheating. If she says, “you asshole”, and shoots the girl, she probably wasn’t cheating. You never know, you might get real lucky and she’ll join you.
Chicks I’m sleeping with: Lebanese | Half Asian both are so good.
What Been Listening to Since Ask Toph I – Ben Folds | Greg Laswell | Razorlight | She Wants Revenge | The 88 | The Bens | Lilly Allen | Gym Class Heroes | Social Distortion | Ludacris | James Brown | 8mm | Fallout Boy | Kanye | Group X | Toadies | Citizen Cope | Supergrass | Jack’s Mannequin | Bea | Electric President | Jackopierce | matt pond PA | OAR | Vanishing Kids | Gnarls Barkley | Ben Lee | Beatles | Weezer | The Toadies
Skillets of the week – April Scott – Who is she? She is some hot chick in the straight to DVD Dukes of Hazzard – Kate Beckinsale. Where has she been lately? I miss her. – Maria Sharapova – She was just named top seed at the Australian Open. She’s top seed in my heart. – The incomparable Raven Riley (Why wouldn’t I start with her?)
