Toph Speaks

No, the hot twins from a few seasons past are not still here, but I can’t help remember how hot Becki was. It’s too bad about her sister, though. I still miss them both. Last night was just weird, as most episodes are becoming. I still can’t understand why they brought in Jennifer Lopez. She’s not looking good anymore. She’s getting old, and that’s weird to me. I miss the Jennifer Lopez from the movie Money Train, with Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson. The young, fit Latina that helped me develop my love for the Jalapeño Princesses of the world. I was worried about this episode going into it, and it did nothing but disappoint, until… Sanjaya! Here we go.

Melinda - She sang, “Sway.” I hate that song. What movie was it from? I think it was the Antonio Banderas movie where he teaches the ghetto kids how to dance. It had an amazing lesson that I’m sure was learned. The lesson was to DANCE! Melinda actually sucked. I really wish we could surgically get her a neck. Has that been invented yet? Toph Girl kept saying last night, in her broken English, that she thinks Paula has had her lips done. She’s learning so fast! Soon she will be able to put together a whole sentence. “Paula, lips new.” She’s getting there. Anyhow, I was totally unimpressed with her. She can’t dance for shit. I think it has something to do with her neck. She won’t have any problems being in the 7.

Lakisha - She sang ,”Conga.” OK, seriously, how is it possible to not know how to pronounce Conga? Chicks with lisps can’t pronounce words like Conga? Whatever, it sucked. Just like Melinda, she had to something upbeat, and couldn’t pull it off. She’s your average R&B singer who can’t do much else. She has big back tits, too. Mmmm… back tits.

Chris - He sang, “Smooth,” by Rob Thomas and Santana. I think that’s the name of the song. I just hate this kid. I hate his facial hair, I hate his clothes, and I hate his dancing. I hate him for Lauren Conrad. It’s all really bad, but I don’t hate any of these things as much as I hate his singing. The song was crap. You couldn’t hear him over the bongos and the guitar, which were way out of his league. He made his mechanical dance moves, and everyone clapped. Everyone, but me.

Haley - Haley sang, “Turn the Beat Around.” It was terrible, but next week she’ll be naked! If only she’d lose that mole.

Phil - He sang, “Maria, Maria.” Remember that song? Man, was he terrible. I don’t even think he sang the right words. It was bad. His voice cracked, he called his daughter stupid, not really, but you know. The guy was a mess. He was trying his hardest not to get boners during his rehearsal, and frankly, I don’t blame him. Pack your shit, Phil. You’re done.

Jordin - She sang, “The Rhythm is Going to Get You.” She also wins the coveted Longest Song Title award this week. It was OK, but I was more confused by why J. Lo kept saying she reminded her of Michael Jackson. Who originally sings this song? I thought it was Gloria Estefan? Does Jordin like little boys? I’m so confused. Someone Google, quick! Again, it was decent, nothing I would be proud of, but I hold myself to a higher standard than these people.

Blake - He sang, “I Need to Know,” by Marc Anthony, who is married to Ceaser… er… Jenny from the Block. It was a typical Blake performance. He sang the song, scooted around the floor, and everyone loved it. He’s just too unexciting for me. Blah.

Sanjaya - He sang, “Besame Mucho.” All this kid does is succeed. You can’t deny it was good. I know you sat on your couch with the same get-the-fuck-outta-here look as I did. I know you thought, “Shit, this kid has a legitimate chance to be in the top 5, and man alive, his sister has big ta-tas.” It’s fine; I’m not judging you. He’s our next American Idol. Live with it.

To recap my recap, Phil is going. Of course, Legs and Jordin will be in the bottom 3 with him, but the creepy guy is gone. Tune in tonight see how wrong I am.