Toph Speaks

In a little over a year from now, that’s what you’ll be hearing. Only, it will not be from me. America will proclaim its love affair for all things Toph, especially, my sweet singing voice. I was once told that my voice reminded them of chickens mating. I told them it was one of the dumbest things I have ever heard because chickens can’t mate. They’re girls. We ended up getting into a fight, and I won. I used the move where you tell them to watch your left hand, while you hold in the air, and then hit them with the right. I don’t know how, but that move works every time. “Look at the left, look at the left.” Then, BOOM; pop them with right in the stomach. They never see it coming. It’s actually the way I plan on being your next American Idol. In the meantime, let’s look at your remaining American Idol contestants. There are 8 more left, and tonight is Jennifer Lopez night. If I were winning it all this year, I’d be pissed. Here’s a brief excerpt from the tirade I’d have tonight: “Are you fucking kidding me? Jennifer Lopez? Jenny from the block? Do you know who I am? You’re not seriously thinking I’m going to allow her to be in the same room as me, do you?” To be continued…

Blake - He’s pretty annoying. I’m not sure why he gets on my nerves, but it’s getting pretty bad. I mean, how many times are we going to have to listen to his beat box? Christ, man, get over it. He’s apparently the beat box champion of Seattle. Ummm… Seattle?

Phil - I consider myself a pretty tolerant guy, but Phil is so creepy to me. He’s too tall, too bald, and too bug eyed. It’s not cool. Plus, he can’t sing. His dance moves are amazing though.

Chris - I have never hate someone as much as I hate this guy. I don’t know why, either. Maybe it’s the way his voice sounds when he opens his mouth, who knows? I also hate that the guy has been seen around town with Lauren Conrad of The Hills and the future sex tape. I want him voted off this week. Make it happen people! Plus he wears way too many vests. I hate dressier vests with t-shits, and crap like that. It looks so cheap. Was it last week when he wore the vest, with the suspenders that was pulled down? Fucking moron, man.

Sanjaya - The only thing this kid knows how to do is succeed. The guy is like a walking awesome. I’m looking for the chick that’s starving herself, by the by. She has to be dead by now. Have you seen her? She’s fat, and she needs to starve herself. This actually made me want to look her up. SUCCESS! She’s no longer on her hunger strike, because all of America wanted to see her die. Unfortunately America, you failed. Long live Sanjaya. Killing all the fat people one week at a time.

Jordin - Did you know that her dad was the corner back for the Giants for a lot of years? Phillippi Sparks... eh… eh? Well, I did. She’s your typical R&B singer on the show. We have 3 of them. All are starting to get on my nerves. She’s not the best singer, but her dad will kick America’s ass if they don’t vote for her.

Lakisha - You’re never going to believe this, but she sings R&B. Except, she does it with a lisp. Amazing. If she wins, she’ll thank God first, so I guess we have that to look forward to.

Melinda - R&B? Yep. In her AI bio she talks only of Jesus and her mommy. I actually liked her until I saw the Shrek comparison. Now? I laugh when I see her.

Haley - She looks like a fat girl who’s lost a ton of weight, which bothers me. She does have a nice pair of legs on her though. She can’t sing for shit. I’m proud of her for slutting it up though. We need something to make this season worth watching.

My Winner… Sanjaya.