The Guys Girl…

You’re a liar. You’re a liar. YOU’RE A LIAR! Listen, we have a problem that I had only heard myths about. Long ago, a wise man sat me down to tell me about the “guys girl.” The sexy wise man was my father, you know him as Pope Bene XVI. Let’s face it he knows a thing or two about the ways of the ladies. He was once married to the Queen of England, but broke up with her because she didn’t want him going to strip clubs. The Pope, my dad, believes that all men must go to the strip club. He believes that we need titties in our face. He thinks that ta-tas make us appreciate the boobs we have at home even more. This has never made sense to me, but I still agree with it. Boobs get me out of the house, and into freedom. Basically, my point is, when Father Bene gives advice I take it. He doesn’t talk to me much, but when he does it’s usually important. This is one of the main reasons I am so upset I let his “guys girl” advice slip out of my mind. Question: Can you, a dude, hang out with a girl without wanting to put in her vag? Yes, you can, but there must be extenuating circumstances. 1. You meet when you were really young. 2. She is dating your best friend. 3. You just don’t have any urge to want to sleep with her. This happens. I promise. It usually stops happening during a night alone with just the two of you, a bottle of wine, whisky, and maybe a few games of sexy pool, but it does happen.
What does all these lead us to believe? There is no such thing as a “guys girl”. From this point forward I am throwing out the quotation marks. It’s stupid. It’s possible I will get rid of punctuation completely, but don’t count on it. So, there’s no such thing as a guys girl. Well, I believe Rani to be a guy’s girl. Why? Well, that’s what happens when a chick lives/dates your best friends and gets you tickets to movie premiers and concerts. She is suddenly rendered Vag-less. So, I will use this a lesson to you. The only guy’s girl that is okay to be around is a friend from a long time ago, and your friend’s girl. If you do your friends girl, then have fun burning in Hell.
Why have I provided you with the longest set up since Moby Dick? Easy. I want you to know who does not exist. Take note. Print this out. Fold it up. Put it in your wallet. Highlight it. Make it happen. It has happened to me, and I do not want it to happen to you. I fell victim to the guy’s girl. It’s true.
Last weekend my friend Christian and I meet up at a little sports bar, Greens on Polk, where we watch the Cowboys game. It’s a cool place. Small, but like I said, they play the Cowboys and that’s important. Now, this place is the easiest place to pick up chicks. We once witnessed, shit you not, a dude in a Marcus Trufant jersey pick up one the hottest little blondes I have ever seen. So, pretty much everyone is a winner. At least, so I thought. We were watching the Cowboys game, and this little cutie was clapping along with game, and seemed genuinely invested in the Cowboys. Now, in Dallas, that’s the norm, but we’re in San Francisco. So, the normal question to ask is whether or not she’s from Dallas, and of course she is. She’s too hot to not be. Apparently, she grew up in Richardson and went to Berkner for high school. She moved out here to go to Berkeley because she likes schools that start with Berk. She sounds cute, right? Wrong!
We setup a date for the next night, and it started off well. She was funny and cute, basically every thing you could want. Then, she started talking about sports, and she kept talking about sports. The only problem was that she was wrong. She was wrong about everything. I mean, she would come close, but still be wrong. So, I told her she was wrong, and she got mad. This became a game to me. She told me that the Boys losing in the playoffs was not Romo’s fault, and I told her she was wrong. She told me that it was messed up that the fans voted for Dirk in the All-star game, but he didn’t make it. I said, “Hey, you’re wrong.” She told me that the Rangers pitching rotation looked amazing, and yet again, she was wrong. This kept going all night, and all night I told her she was wrong. The best part was how mad she got. Then I realize, Dad was right. Chicks should not know sports. There is only one reason that a girl watches sports. All that she wants is to hookup and drink, and that’s fine. I love hooking up, but dude she is not your dream girl. She is easy. Sports chicks are easy, yeah. I said it. It’s the only reason they like sports. So, if you’re looking for sex, pick her up. If you’re looking for love, then just sex her, because that’s all she’s good for. It’s like a chick that has no girlfriends, a chick that has crazy eyes, or a chick that has an awful laugh. You stay away. You stay away like she has the plague. Why? Because either that chick is going to be wrong and will not accept that you are right, or she is too damned ugly. Heed the warning young ones. Stay away.