Toph Speaks

Why do we make everything so difficult? This world is becoming a pretty cut and dry place. We like our music immediately, our internet fast, and we don’t like to wait in line. So, I asked myself, why is dating such a long and difficult process? Dating is probably the longest process you can embark on. There’s a floating theory that dating is a four-year process. In the first year of dating it’s relaxed. You date other people, you hang out, and you get to know each other. This is what is called the Sup Stage of dating. It’s the basic stuff. Do you have any family, career goals, things of that nature? The second year is the Skillet Step. It’s serious dating. You go to each other’s families for the holidays, your toothbrush is at the other one’s place, and she farts in front of you. Men never fart, but women, by god it’s gross. That’s why it’s called the Skillet Step, because it’s acceptable. Year three, or the Kitchens Step, is when you accept the fact that she should move in. After she toots in front of you there really is nothing left, so she might as well move in. I must warn you, she is going to do some of the nastiest things you ever heard, seen, and smelled. But, that is for you to find out, and each one is different so don’t worry too much. The fourth and final year is the Trail of Tears Step. You suddenly find yourself down on one knee, I’m sorry, but it’s that time. After the Trail of Tears Step, you’re pretty much married and your life is over, I mean wonderful. Doesn’t this seem like a long time? So, I tried speed dating. That was crazy. I couldn’t remember anyone’s name, what they looked like or anything. I ended up sleeping with someone who’s name I can’t remember. The sex was as fast as the speed dating, but I think that was my fault. I think we should just lay it on the line, and be up front about what we want. There should be bars with the specific intention of finding what you want. Make dating like the internet. There should be groups, hook up bars, one night stand bars, dating bars, and relationship bars. If I were looking for something serious, I would go to a certain place and meet and mingle with the ladies. If I want to have fun with my friends and hook up, then I will go to that type of bar. It’s a theory that could sweep the nation. I just have a feeling that the one-nighter bar would be packed.