Toph Speaks

God bless the Office Christmas Party. It’s a place where you really get to know your office compadres. It’s a place where the liquor flows, and the women are ready. I don’t want you to think that this is going to be easy, because it isn’t. There are a lot of responsibilities that come with scoring at your office party, and a lot of hard work that goes into it. If you are willing to accept this challenge, then please read on. If not, then go to a bar and pick up whatever girl you want. Single bar girls are the best during the holidays. Take note, they will be clingy, you have to buy them a present, and you must stay with them until after New Year’s. Why do the holidays have to be so hard?

Rules of the Office Party hookup

1. Make sure that your office party is top-notch. Show up early to check on the decorations and alcohol. Have your iPod loaded with dance songs. That way, if the music of DJ sucks, you can blow it out. You’ll be a hero. Remember, some of the people in the office are old. Be the guy who remembers that. Download some Al Green in your iPod, the old ladies will love you. Old ladies have daughters and granddaughters! Don’t you forget that. If you need to, drop some dollars on the party. HR is not going to shell out for the good stuff. You may have to suck it up and buy the Patron and Grey Goose. It’s okay. It’s cheaper than a night out.

2. No beer allowed. Beer does one of two things. It will either keep your wild side low, or make you sloppy. This is where the real men come to play, my friend. Let’s show some class. Also, don’t be the guy who talks about what they’re drinking. No one cares. Chicks don’t give a damn that you are drinking a Glen. Who the hell is Glen? She’s drinking a Vodka Cranberry. She doesn’t care. While I am thinking about it, keep it simple. Vodka Rocks, Scotch, or Martini. Basically, don’t get anything that requires thought, and don’t have too many of these. They’re potent. 4 is your max. If you’re a light weight then keep it at 2. You will have to have longer conversations, but you can do it.

3. Make sure you know who your target is. We will call her “The Present”. This is not a night to target a few and settle with one. You have 1 shot a year to make this work. Make sure it’s going to be difficult. Any one can walk into an office Christmas party and score the temp. It takes style to walk away with the bosses secretary, or wife for that matter. Try to stay away from the wife.

4. Dance with the old ladies. You better have the time of your life tonight. The crazy finance lady needs attention, and The Present you’re planning on spending the night with will think it’s cute. Dance with the lady. It will make her night. Be sure to make subtle eye contact with The Present while you dance. Give her the whole I’m-embarrassed-but-I-can’t-help-it-because-it’s-so-much-fun look. I’ve worked hard perfecting mine, and it works. 1 hour of mirror time should be enough.

5. Engage in conversation. This is usually my number 5 in everything that I do, because there is so much else to do. Some people try the whole “Can you believe Earl is so crazy?” tactic, but it leads to nothing. I want you try something new this year. Ask The Present what her holiday plans are. It’s simple, I know, but it can go somewhere. Then, here’s the sneak attack, get the weird guy in the office to get the mistletoe over you guys. Don’t go for full attack. Go for the cheek and then ask her dance.

6. Sex The Present all night. Unwrap it and play with it. Dirty? I know.

7. Do not sneak out in the morning. You have to see her on Monday and you can’t be that guy. The reason that I didn’t want you to drink much is because chicks talk. You don’t want to be that guy on Monday, either. Make sure you’re ready to go. In the morning, get breakfast together. It’s sweet, and she will love it.

8. Go to work on Monday and be awesome.

Late.

Editors Note - I am supposed to talk about how amazing the Texans are because they beat the Raiders of all people. So, this is as good as my praising the Texans goes. It was a bet I was forced into. But, let’s be honest, how awesome is beating the Raiders when the game wasn’t even shown the Bay Area?Go Cowboys :)