Toph Speaks

Gobble, gobble, bitches. I’d like to take the chance to do some sexy reflecting of all the things that I am thankful for. I am most thankful for all the ladies that I get to sex every night. You ladies don’t know what you mean to me. I just want you all to know that I think each one of you is special in your own unique way. I will never call out someone else’s name while I’m in bed with you, because you’re the only one who matters at that given time. Thank you for all the things you send me. I am also thankful for my friends. I don’t know how I could live without our drunken antics, causing a ruckus in local eateries at 2:30 am, taking chicks home with us, and vomiting like there is no tomorrow. You know what, dudes? There is no tomorrow. Well, okay. Tomorrow there is a tomorrow, because it’s Turkey Day. I can’t help but to feel a little sad for the upcoming holidays. For the first time in my life this Thanksgiving will be spent without my Uncle Walter. I will miss him, but he did send me this photo. Apparently, since he’s so lonely he will be going around the neighborhood dressed as a Turkey. I think it’s sweet… and creepy. Now, on to the questions, from real emailers.

Uncle Walter… so weird…

Paul in Dallas, TX - Hey Toph, what’s the best way to fuck a turkey?

Well, you start off by making sure the turkey is warm. Use the thermometer to make sure that the turkey is about 75 degrees. This is warm enough to make it feel like a lady. Fill the turkey hole with stuffing, and make sure you leave out a majority of the veggies. You pretty much just want the breaded part. Then go to town, cause you’re fuckin’ a turkey! Best. Readers. Ever.

Melissa in Palo Alto, CA - Buenos Noches, Toph… I will be so lonely on Thanksgiving. My family in is Cabo for the holidays, and I have no where to go. I’m at Stanford and all of my friends are back East. Do you have any suggestions?

Well, Melissa, I used to have that same problem. My mom, Mayor Laura Miller of Dallas, and my dad, Pope Benedict, have always been pretty busy. All of my friends would spend their Thanksgivings with their families, and I was left out to dry. However, I have found that there is nothing better to do on a lonely Thanksgiving than go to the Strip Club. They typically put out a nice buffet, and the girls that are working are way lonelier than you’ll ever be. They will sit with you for hours, while rubbing your bizzo’s, and tell you why they have no family. It’s interesting. I remember Jasmine the most. She worked at a place called The Lodge, over in Dallas. Anyway, her dad was a coke dealer who got busted and was in jail. Her mom exploded when she tried to eat dynamite. Some people say that her coke dealing dad tried to make her eat the dynamite, it got stuck and he got out before it exploded, but that’s crazy according to Jasmine. But shit, she was left with nothing, and had to dance to pay her rent. She was sweet. My point is… try it.

Unikta in Maui, HI - Aloha, Toph! Now that the year is almost up, who are your best dressed, and hottest ladies of the year?

Well, Unikta, I can only assume you’re a chick, and I can only wonder why you’re asking me this question. I do hate to give out my favorites, because people (mainly Ray) disapprove of them and tell me who I should have in, but I will go ahead and answer. However, Ray… I mean Unikta, I will most likely do a whole story on all my favorites of the year. Keep in mind this is of the year, not all time.

3.Eva Longoria

2.Rachel Bilson

1. Adriana Lima

What can I say? I like my ladies brown…

Jill in Mystic, CT - It’s a cold winter, Toph. What are some ways to keep warm during these harsh winters?

Lots of finger banging and blankets.

Mike in Tallahassee, FL - A’ight, Toph. Break down the shows I should be watching right now, and why.

Well, Mike, this is a blog of it’s own, but what the hell? You should be watching Studio 60. I don’t think it’s lived up to it’s hype at all, but nonetheless it’s still interesting. I think, since ABC has given it the full season, you should get into it now. Sorkin will make this show work if it kills him. Watch it. It’s witty and sarcastic. On the same night, Monday, just stay home and sit on your couch, because Monday has become Must See TV. It used to be a throw away night, but with Heroes taking over, you need to stay in. Last week they “saved the cheerleader, and the world”, and it can only get better from here. It’s a pretty cool show, if you’re in to awesome. If you’re not then watch MNF. We’ve seen some real thrillers, huh? Huh?? Leave The CW alone. It’s not even fun to watch the hot chicks anymore, but I still watch OTH. Did you see them on the cover of Maxim? Thank you! Watch Boston Legal. I took a long time to come around on this show, even though Jimmy, Loren and Andrea kept telling me how awesome it is. Well, I am here, and I love it! I also encourage you to watch NBC’s new amazing Thursday lineup. Must See TV Thursday is back, and so is Scrubs! You have Earl, The Office, 30 Rock, and Scrubs. 30 Rock, to me, has been the surprise of the year. It’s hilarious. Tina Fey is hot, that’s right. Hot. So is the show. I am happy Scrubs will be back. Don’t, I repeat don’t, watch Black Groundhog’s Day, otherwise known as Daybreak. It looks terrible, and it’s replacing Lost for a bit. I hate it for that reason. Of course, watch any and all Cowboys and Maverick’s games.

Sam in Rough & Ready, CA - Toph, I’m in a pickle. I have a lady coming over for Turkey Day. I need to impress her, and turn her on. What’s the sexiest side dish?

Yams. That’s right, Sam. Yams. Hot, steaming yams. For some reason women can’t resist yams. Get your yam in hand, and feel it real good. Stroke it, make love to it. The lady can’t hold back when a man presents his delicious yams to her. Make it happen.

Well, I hope you all have a wonderful, love-filled Thanksgiving. Eats lots of Turkey and yams, watch lots of football, and have lots of sex. Since, I basically told you what I am watching, here’s what I am listening to. Also, a new portion of Ask Toph will be the Skillet of the week. Let me know what you think. Please send your Skillet of the week votes to my email for their consideration. This can be a normal girl, famous girl, porn girl, whatever. Just provide a name and a picture. Do it!

What I am listening to: Fallout Boy | Kanye | Group X | Toadies | Citizen Cope

Skillet of the week - The incomparable Raven Riley (Why wouldn’t I start with her?)