If You Have Nothing Nice to Say…

My mom used to tell me, “Toph, if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” I never believed her, and I still question her every time she gives me this little piece of wisdom. My mom is a sweet lady, but her ideals are so twisted. I have based my life upon saying not very nice things. Lately though, I am beginning to think that maybe she was right. I mean, you can’t get a lady into bed by telling her you love how her belly sticks out from under her tube top that she should never be wearing. So, if we want to live by a new moral sentence, we should say, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, lie.”

No one loves to lie better than I do. Believe it or not, I can find a redeeming quality about every single women on the planet. It’s a gift. One that I have continued to use to my advantage to get ladies naked. There are many reasons why you should avoid having relations with a women, and I would like to tell you some of the sure signs to know you should poke and how to get to the point where you can poke. Every girl is skillets, some are just greasier than others.

First off, if you have nothing nice to say, make it up. This is the easy part. You can compliment a lady on the most obscure things and she will love you for it. Does she have brown teeth? Tell her that you notice she has an eye for delicious foods. What about the girl who’s panties rise up so far up her back that they actually attach to her bra? Let her know that you think it’s sexy when a girl reveals a little about herself. There are a number of things to compliment chicks on that keeps you from talking about her bad hair, bad skin, horrible tan, hideous smile, crooked teeth, prickly legs, and a hint of a ‘stache under her nose. Face it, it’s late and your lonely, you had better damn well compliment her. Tell her that her hair looks shiny, her skin is soothing, her tan is golden, her smile is unique, her teeth set her apart, her legs are long, and he ‘stache tickles your nose. Okay, don’t tell her the last one.

Now, she’s taking you back her place. I urge you not to rush into the sex. Yeah, she’s ugly and you want the lights off, but you have can’t sex her then make sure you look around.

First thing you need to do is check for birth control pills. Make sure you find something that resembles a pill, because you don’t want your baby showing up a few months later. If you do knock her up, she’ll find you. Remember it takes a few months before it actually shows. She’ll find you. She’ll hunt you down like a rabid dog. You need to make sure she has no photos up of any other dudes. One of them could be her husband. What kind of story would that be? “Yeah, I was doing this tubby girl, and her husband came in a cut off my penis.” You might as well have died that night.

While you’re at it, check for kids. I was once with a girl, a one night thing, and as I am about to put the chick down, her kids walk in. That’s right, kids. 5 of them. They all come in calling me Dad. That’s not even the crazy part. One was White, one Mexican, one Black, one Asian, and one of them I couldn’t even tell what he was. Crazy looking kid, too. Beady little eyes. I still have trouble shaking that imagine.

Lastly, check for all possible escape routes. I mean, windows, doors, doggy doors, fire escapes, whatever. You never know when any of the warnings will fail. Some chicks are good. Most chicks read this blog. They know what to hide, and what to keep out. They will use it against you. It’s messed up, but they will do it. I had a husband come home on a cougar I was doing. I jumped through the ceiling tile and found my way out of that bitch. Unfortunately, I dropped down into the bathroom while he was taking a steamer. I don’t want to finish that story.

Hopefully, some of this helps, so use it. Late.