Toph Speaks

No, I am not doing a Malcolm X thing, this is the 10th installment of Ask Toph. I can’t believe it is only the 10th one. It seems like I would have done more in the 2 years since starting Ask Toph, but apparently not.

Sup, sup, sappinin, ladies. Do you realize that before my little Halloween Hotties I had not written in a month? Of course you do, because you won’t quit emailing me about it. Well, I’m sorry. I’m back, and to really get things back into high gear, I am back with your favorite Q & A, Ask Toph. Just as a side note, I am writing this totally naked. You heard me right, flamingo bitches, I am totally nude. Stop touching yourself, and read my rant. Here’s what I really hate. Go. I hate that I live in a city that rains from November 1st to March 31st. Does March even have a 31st? Who cares, because it sucks. Do you know what it’s like to wake up when it’s raining? Of course you fucking do. I guess I better trade in my beloved flip-flops for some dress shoes. Who the fuck wants to wear dress shoes? I only have two hands. One for a cigarette and the other for coffee, which I make at home. I think that’s important to note. I’m domesticated, suckas. I have no room in my sweetness to carry an umbrella. I look like a tool with an umbrella. I look classy with a smoke and a coffee mug. I get bitches throwing themselves at me with coffee and a smoke. Add in an umbrella and they think I’m gay. Fuckin’ rain. On to the questions…

Leo in Charlotte, NC - Toph, my man. Hottest chick on tv right now, who is it?

Oh Leo, where to start? This is a loaded question. I mean, do I take the easy road and say Jennifer Love Hewitt? Sure she’s on a shitty Friday night CBS show, but I still love her. How about Rachel Bilson? Is this only because we saw her boobies in Last Kiss? Does that count? I wouldn’t think so. How about the CW hotties? Is that too easy? It is to me. I will go out on a limb and uncover a new TV hottie. Here’s a girl you might not know, yet. Sarah Carter on the CBS Show, Shark. She’s so sassy I may just start tuning in. Let the complaints and pissed off people begin.

Sarah in Pittsburg, PA - Toph, what’s the first thing you notice on a girl?

Her naked. Most guys will say they notice a girl’s eyes, their hair, or their smile. Most immature guys will say they notice a girl’s tits, ass and legs. But a gentleman doesn’t notice anything on a women until she is completely naked in front of him. Then we will decide if we like it when she is on top of us. If we don’t we’ll finish and never talk to you again. If we do, then we’ll go on that first date you’ve been waiting for. By the way, Sarah, thanks for sending those naked pics.

Shelly in Spokane, WA - Hey Daddy, I’ve heard you’re a successful businessman. Is it true? How do you do it?

I’m confused. Is this a pet name, or am I really your Dad and you’re trying to get child support. If it’s a pet name, then if by successful you mean do I make tons of money and do my secretary in the back of a Volvo, then yes, I am successful. Business success is simple. One sentence will make all difference in the world for you. Never work with men. You can’t fuck a dude, and you damn sure don’t want their business. If I am your Dad, then no. I am a broke ass, motha.

Steve in Mexico City, Mexico - Hola, Senior Toph. In your classy opinion, who is the sexist senorita to come out of Brazil? Adriana Lima or Alessandra Ambrosio?

Steve, you are creepy. This is a good question though. This has been a debate with a friend of mine, Christian, for some time now. In fact, we had an email going back and forth today trying to top the others picture. This has a lot to do with why I am writing this naked. I choose Alessandra as my favorite and he chooses Adriana. This question may never have an answer, but I am for the underdog. So, my Brazilian Hottie goes to Alessandra Ambrosio (Ale’s on the right. Adriana is on the Left).

Jenn in Reno, NV - Hey, Toph!!!!!!! Oh my gosh! So, what TV show you would be in, if you could be in a TV show?!?!?!

Jenn, it’s not a question of if I could be in a TV show. No TV shows are ready for me. However, the show that’s the closest to being ready for is Estudio 2 on Telemundo. 4 mariachi bands compete against each other to win some prize. The show has a midget that takes off the bad ones, a la Apollo, a big dude in a cage, oh! and all these chicks jumping around in bikini’s. It’s wonderful.

Red in Lawrence, KA - They don’t call me Red for nothing.

Good.

Whitney in SF, CA - Toph, how come I can’t get to orgasm when I have sex? What am I doing wrong?

Oh, Whitney, you could be doing a number of things wrong. Come over tonight and I’ll show you.

Charlie in For Worth, TX - Toph, my girlfriend and I have been fighting a lot. I’m getting so tired of it. What do I do?

You have a girlfriend? Whatthefuck’s wrong with you, boy? Have you learned nothing!

You know what? I’m done today. Nobody can fuckin’ listen.

What I’m watching: Monday - How I Met Your Mother, Studio 60 | Tuesday - Friday Night Lights, Boston Legal | Wednesday - Jericho, One Tree Hill | Thursday - Earl, The Office, Gray’s Anatomy, Smallville | Friday - Ghost Whisperer

What I’m listening to: Supergrass | Jack’s Mannequin | Bea | Electric President | Jackopierce | matt pond PA

I love you.