– Toph, shown here with children who hate him.
It’s simple: Some people don’t like me, and I don’t like some people. I can’t help it. I love me some me. Some people don’t love them some me. What’s a guy to do? I typically shrug off the hate mail I get, but today when I got in from a long weekend, I couldn’t ignore it. I had received 75 emails from people who hate me. I couldn’t let that fall by the waste side, could I? Sharing 75 emails from the Ask Toph would be ridiculous for both you and I, but sharing a few of them might be joyous for us both. With that said, here is the first edition of I Hate Toph or Ask Toph XI (Is that 11? I don’t do Roman Numerals.).
Mike in Charlotte, NC – Toph, I hate you.
Mike, I am sorry. I understand it, though. You probably hate me because I am completely awesome. Yes, I have a website that is blowing up called TheToph.com, a clothing line that is being worn by Jennifer Love Hewitt and all of her hot friends called Toph T’s, and I have sex with multiple partners a week, each one hotter than the other. I understand it Mike, and I don’t blame you. Here’s my advice. Shades in rotation. It’ll help you. When I was a child, I was a bit nerdy. That was until I came upon my first pair of sunglasses. At that moment, my life became clear. I grew a mustache and started kicking ass. I was 8, Mike. Do you know what an 8 year with a ‘stache and sunglasses looks like? Badass. That’s what. Get you’re shit together, Mike. It’s about time you did so…
Maggie in Spokane, WA – You belittle women, asshole. You make us look like idiots. You make it seem like all want is to fuck all the time. You’re a sexist son of a bitch.
Maggie! That is not true in the least. I love the ladies, and the ladies love me. I can’t help it. Respecting women is what gets them naked in my bed. I tell them they’re pretty, make them take me dinner, open a door or two and their panties end up circling the room on my ceiling fan. Is it a crime to effectively woo the ladies causing them to ultimately drop their dainties? NO! I may sound sexist, but the truth is I am an equal opportunist. I’ll sit beside you and cheer on Hugh Grant in another romantic comedy. I’ll lick your toes, and drink champaign out of your high heel. Then, I’ll stick you. But, you want to know something, Maggie? I stick you good… real good.
Champ in London, EN – Hi, Chap. You’re increasingly becoming less funny by the minute. Why don’t you go ahead and kill yourself?
I don’t recall asking you to read. Let me check, pick up groceries, get dry cleaning and bang the 70 year old Chinese woman behind the counter, because, let’s be honest, she hasn’t been done in quite some time, go to happy hour, solve world hunger, ask Phil to become a reader, and sex up the new neighbor on the 1st floor who is so freaking hot. Nope, didn’t ask you to read. What’s on your list today, “Champ?”
Bonnie in SF, CA – Toph, I thought we had something. Why did you never return my calls after last Friday? It was special. I love you. Please call me. I need you.
Bonnie, I’m sorry. First off, your name is Bonnie. I could never date a Bonnie. Maybe a Connie, or possibly a Lonnie, but not a Bonnie. It’s a bad name. When we were doing it, I couldn’t help but to picture an 80 year old lady. Believe it or not, it kept Captain Toph up and moving. Here’s the thing, Bonnie. I’ll give you one night to week of my life. It’s all I have time for. Think about how many of you there are. It’s a lot. I have to pleasure 156 women a year. That’s roughly 3 a week. Now, if I spend 2 weeks with you, then how can I catch up with my quotas? I can’t. Some of you are thinking, “Man, Toph, that seems like a lot.” Well, type in your zip code and check women in myspace’s search. How many came up? 75,000? I know. Do you know how long that will take me? Shit. I need to start a team of sexers that take the uglies, or something. It would be sweet.
That about does it for people hating me today. I’ll try to keep these going in the normal Ask Toph’s. I think they’re fun.
Here’s what I am watching: Monday – Monday Night Football | Tuesday – Porn, preferably Raven Riley | Wednesday – Lost | Thursday – The Office | Friday – Ghost Whisperer (I mean she is wearing my clothes now)
Here’s what I am listening to – OAR | Vanishing Kids | Gnarls Barkley | Ben Lee
