Toph Speaks

Some where between here and there I stopped doing drugs. I’m not quite sure when that day was, but I kind of miss it. I never did any “real” drugs, I pretty much stuck with pot, but damnit, I was a fun on the pot. I was riding the 27 the other day and a cracked out 27 Bryant rider asked me if I would like to purchase some marijuana from him. I scoffed. I couldn’t believe that there was a person offering me drugs in public, much less sought me out as the one who would willingly purchase pot while riding mass transit. Then I thought to myself, “Toph, (yes I call myself Toph in my thoughts) when did you turn into such a prude? Buy that pot and smoke the shit out of it. Purchase a whole case of Little Debbie brownies and eat it till you stop up the toilet.” I bought the pot and here I am, a few days later, wondering what has become of me. Those brownies were so good.
I had no one to share this experience with, and that made me a sad shell of myself. I, then, went into flashback mode and recalled my most fun high times. I would like to recall those moments with you today. Feel free to add your own. This, of course, will be a top 5 moments leading up to my #1.
5. Happy New Years. The first time I smoked the weed was on Jessica Roberts roof with Paul Minter on New Years Eve. It was a distinct moment that was all video tapped. This was my freshman year of college, and I was in town because I had no where else to go. The video started with a drunken me, some guy who went by the name Chris? I was slurring and making passes at every women in the room. Paul coerced me to go ahead and do illegal drugs with him on the roof, and I was drunk so I did. The next time I am seen on camera I am holding a pillow laughing hysterically. I believe there is even a Crocodile Hunter homage, but I could be wrong. Just be careful for “the dangerous Christopher Miller.”
4. Burned. One night a little bit later the same cast of characters were sitting in an apartment that was called The Phoenix, I believe. Maybe you know it, it’s right off of Greenville Ave in front of Presbyterian Hospital. There were a lot drugs had at this apartment and this night was no different. I had decided that it would be a good idea to light Paul’s arm on fire. See, during this time I was obsessed with Butane lighters. I quickly realized that Butane lighters and weed are not a good combination. Here’s what happened as I recall it. Paul said, “I bet you won’t burn me.” I said, “Paul, of course not. Why would I inflict pain on my friend?” Paul replied, “Do it, you pussy.” He then held his arm out and forced me burn him. It was probably the worst smell I have ever smelled, and Paul definitely felt. The scar is still there. Years later, the story still is not straight.
3. Stone Cutters. Jon (who may possibly yell at me for mentioning him in a story regarding drugs, but he was so stoned), Paul, and I were in the living room of Paul’s Mom’s house. She was in the kitchen oblivious to the goings-on in her living room. We had smoke a lot of reefer, and we playing music. To my best recollection, Paul was on Guitar, I was playing harmonica, and Jon was on Pots and Pans. A song called Stone Cutters was thus created. Just to give you a little gist of what the song entailed, it was about Billy Mason, who was a stone cutter. He was a stone cuttin’ man. He had a stone cuttin’ son who turn his back on Billy, and went to Hollywood. When Billy was dying, his son returned, they picked up their stone cutting utensils, and cut that fuckin’ stone. It was a sad song, complete with my acting as both Billy and his stone cuttin’ son. Probably my best acting role to date. Once the song was complete, Jon rolled on the floor laughing, and Paul’s mom, Peggy, walked in the living with tears in her eyes. She said it was the saddest song she had ever heard. The power of weed and music was in her.
2b. OBU - I had returned to Oklahoma Baptist University from a drug induced Christmas, ready to do a lot more. My old friend Michael Clack, was also a drug user, and I were at a house party with my old friend Holis, and we all had a lot of drugs. We used to get really stone, drink cider, then sober up with beer. Makes sense, right? Well, the hosts decided they should take our keys and makes us stay the night. That’s when I went Mission Impossible style. I crawled under the fence and headed toward my car. When I got there Michael tapped my shoulder and asked what I was doing? I told him, “Come on, we’re leaving.” As I stood there holding the key to the door. He said, “How long have you been out here?” I said, “What are you talking about? I just left.” He said, “No, dude, you’ve been gone for three hours.” Huh.
2a. The Brits are Coming. For some reason Jon, Paul and I spoke in British accents while we were high. There really is no explanation, it just made sense to us. One night, in Paul’s kitchen, he comes up to me and says in a British accent, “I’ll do it as a favor to you.” I was very confused. So I asked him, “As a favor to me?” In an terrible British accent. “No, as a favor to you.” he replied. And thus the saga began. “As a favor to me?” “As a favor to you.” “Right, as a favor to you.” “No sir, to me.” 7 years later, I still have no clue who the favor was to, or more importantly, what the favor was.
1. Club Copper Creek. Jon and I went to Texas Wesleyan University in Fort Worth. We also lived together in what can only been describes as the most awesome apartment in the history of apartments. We had naked chics on movie posters, 2 recliners, a couch, 3 theatre chairs, a foos ball table, and NFL 2K. It was an amazing place. One day after class Jon and I are sitting in the living room bored to tears, when jon comes up with an idea. “I think there’s a joint in one of our kitchen drawers.” Sure enough, we went and checked and there was a joint in one of our drawers. We smoked the hell out of that joint, too. We made Taridactale calls to neighbors, we filmed the Joey Lamar show, we were pretty much kings in our shit castle. Jon had to do the play, that’s right, Jesus Christ Superstar in the morning. A play where he started as, you guessed it, Judas. He was worried because he had to talk to children in the morning, but made everything okay by saying in a British accent that we would say to the kids, “I took some ectasy tomorrow, so it’s going to be alright.” We left a note for him to remember in the morning. Life started to slow down a bit, and Jon and I found ourselves in our respective recliners watching Friends. It was the episode where Pheobe has her brother’s tripletes and wants to keep one. Something happened that day. Friends was real. Real fucking sad. I’m not scared to admit this, but yes, we cried our smoked out eyes out. We said two sentence’s to each other, that pretty much sumed up the whole night. Jon said trying to hold back the tears, “Why can’t see just fuckin’ keep one?” I replied, “I don’t know?” And we both lost it.
Damn… I gotta go get me some drugs. Asap!