The topic has come up more than a few times. As I was sitting here debating what lesson I was going to teach all my young skillets, the topic came up again. “Toph, why can’t you just settle down with one lady, and be happy?” I have been asked that more times than Jesus was asked to make the blind see. I’m still not sure how so many blind people were able to find Jesus, but they were and my question still looms over me. I have tossed and turned on this for many nights, in which inevitably the lady of the evening will struggle to sleep. It’s Kelly Kapowski’s fault.
It’s the only thing I can come up with. I call the KK Law. Kelly Kapowski. Man, this former Saved by the Bell cast member, who spent a good 6 years being the idol of my adolescence has screwed me for the rest of my life. I love Kelly Kapowski. She had everything I could possibly want in my life. She was Bayside’s Head Cheerleader. I remember going to through high school and college chasing after cheerleaders. I couldn’t get enough of them, and still can’t. They are the pinnacle of success for me. Maybe it’s because they’re bendy, I don’t know. For some reason the image of KK dressed in that tiger maroon will always keep me up at night.
Kelly was the star of the Bayside volleyball team. Ever since the first episode when I learned of Kelly’s volleyball skills, I have wanted to bump, set, and spike her for the rest of my life. How could you not? She’s athletic and spunky. I love spunk.
She was the homecoming queen every year. Even when a mysterious cream turned her face maroon, the entire school rallied behind her and painted their faces. What guy wouldn’t want a girl everyone stands behind? She’s a hero.
She’s a hard worker. When she’s not falling in love with her stupid “college” boss, who I still loathe, Kelly works as a waitress. The really freaking part is, ever since then I have always had a thing for service industry girls. I can’t help it.
She’s a famous actress. There is no hope to dope, as they gang found out. But, it was Kelly who found out the hard way. She learned a tough lesson, and was better for it. She didn’t hold grudges. She took the bad and turned it into good.
She got into a great college. She’s so smart and funny. She ended up becoming a badass cop with Bill Bellamy. So Hot.
So, when people ask me why I haven’t settled down I tell them, “See the KK Law. In order for Toph to settle down I need a Kelly. She has to be the head cheerleader, star athlete, homecoming queen, employee of the month, actress, and a college graduate.” They inevitably hang their heads in sorrow. I’m sorry, I love Kelly Kapowski. If you know a girl like this or have Kelly’s number, let me know. I need her.
