If you are one of the many Americans who are worried sick about the Bird Flu coming to America, then you will not want to keep reading what I am about to tell you. I warn you against it, because what is going to be discussed in the upcoming story will frighten you to the bone. The Poon Flu is upon us, and it is coming to a town near you. I never once thought this possible until this morning, when I woke up to start my morning routine, which, by the way, has become a pretty good routine. I wake up and take a shower and shave. Next I put a couple of Pop Tarts in the toaster and open a Dr. Pepper, all the while waking up Ray and Doan. I iron my clothes and turn on the Today show, which I flip to Sportscenter during commercials. Ray and Doan get ready and she takes us to work. This morning, however, was quite different. It was a gloomy, cloudy day. I havent seen a day like this since moving here. It has been fair weather, and sunny. I like that. However, this morning was different. Doan said that Ray had been throwing up last night and that he wasnt going to work. She asked if I minded taking the train into work. She offered to drive me, which I thought was nice, but I declined and headed for the train. I pondered all day about what on earth could have made that young man so sick. Sick enough to where he would be vomiting and as he stated, pissing out of his asshole. Went journeyed back to last night, trying to remember what we had done and eaten. I remembered that Doan cooked Hamburger Helper for us. Usually, that is enough to make any decent human being sick; however, after I went back for seconds I was still fine. Then I remembered that when I went to the bar to watch the Mavs game, they stayed behind for a little sexual relations. When they showed up at the bar, 2 minutes later need you mind, Ray ordered a Sprite claiming that his stomach didnt feel right. I thought nothing of the fact because the game was on and that was way more important to me. Tonight, as Ray laid dying on the couch, Doan and I were trying to figure out what made him so sick. The only thing that he did different from us was give the tasty tongue touch to his lady. I quickly jumped on WebMD and discovered what I thought was happening all along. I felt like I was on an episode of House, but I realized that I have never seen an episode of House so I couldnt really feel that way. There was an acute version in China of what was called Ci Der Rigfkle, which in Chinese means Poon Flu. There was a break out of Poon Flu a few months ago, and men were dying from having their face sat on. Then it occurred to me that Doan went to China a few months ago, and that she must have brought this deadly virus back to the states with her. It takes a while to have the bug go through you and reaches that pivotal Poon Flu status. Therefore, you may not know you have Poon Flu until it is too late. We are not advanced enough to have test for this sort of thing, so it is pretty much hit or miss, and you can forget about a vaccine. We rushed him to the hospital immediately, and he is currently stable in the ICU. Doctors are not sure what is going to happen, but a 100 percent chance of recovery doesnt look good. They say that at the very least Ray is going to loose some motor skills putting him on the level of your average Asian driver. This really concerns me, but what also concerns me is how fast the disease is spreading. Every woman that Doan has come in contact with has the dreaded Poon Flu, and so on and so forth, meaning that when you decide to go under covers for a midnight snack it could be your last. The government has yet to put us on a code black, but we are hopeful to have it at an orange level by the weekend. In 72 hours all women will have Poon Flu, and basically the male species will be gone. Unless you are gay or hate moisture trench diving, but lets be honest, who hates that? I know Im ready to say goodbye forever.
