Toph Speaks

Break out the champagne, and grab a lady for the evening, because it is time for Toph’s New Year’s Resolutions. I want to first give you some New Year’s advice, because that’s what I do. Here’s just a few things to remember for your night on the town. Do not let New Years be your first time to engage in Marijuana smoking, especially if you are on a very steep roof. That can only lead to bad things. Fork over the money for a cab, tight ass. I am all for a little intoxicated driving, but not on New Years. You will be pulled over, you will go straight to jail, and you will not collect $200. I also recommend you find a lady of the evening before the evening. I have a lot of confidence in myself, and one New Years I figured I could just pick some lady up at the New Year’s party, and to my surprise, I was the only one without a date. Having to go to the Swedish Institute on New Years was not my idea of fun. Going back to the Swedish Institute the next day, was. Once you have that New Year’s date, be careful how much champagne you drink. Drinking a bottle or two is not a good idea. You will find yourself thinking at 4 a.m., “What happened, little guy?” Nobody wants that, especially her. Remember, there is not a Swedish Institute for her. Lastly, find a place and stay there. You don’t want to be running around like mad trying to find the best place to go, then wind up missing New Years. I did that once, but on the brightside, I was poking when the clock struck midnight. In the alley, behind the bar. Glorious. And, now, on to my resolutions…

1. Try try try to not spend a total of $50,000 at strip clubs again this year. That just makes it hard to pay all the bills

2. Form the new A-Team. We need one more guy to help the fight.

3. Get Jessica Alba to realize our destiny. I’m not sure how to do this, but I am sure it will happen

4. Move back to New York

5. Win the Super Bowl. I am starting to realize this might be difficult. I am going to have to do it by next month.

6. STD FREE FOR ‘03. Except in 2006. How about, No Scabies from Trix in ‘06. Yeah.

7. Eat more chicken. Chik-Fil-A has been telling me this for years, and it’s time I listened.

8. Wrestle an alligator to the death. Even if it is from a Razzoo’s fish bowl.

9. Develop a better relationship with my mother, Mayor Laura Miller of Dallas.

10. Start the greatest band to ever grace the stage, The Toph Miller Band.

11. Get over my fear of being a star in porn. It’s time to step up from an understudy.

12. Use my crow bar more often. I’ve let too many ladies get away headache free.

13. Take Little Toph to a whore house. It’s about time he gets his wings.

14. Continue to help more people in their time of need through Ask Toph.

15. Compile the blogs into a book and pitch them. That’s right, I have been talking about it for a long time, but it is now time. I have the resources and the people who can help turn the blogs into something people might actually want to buy, so, it is now time. Wish me luck, and any advice you can offer will be welcomed. I just need ideas on how to lengthen stories, make them better, and of course grammar. Just put a comment if you have an idea.

I wish everyone a Happy New Year. Go ahead and put that condom on before you go out, because you never know. It has been a good year, and remember, kitchens and skillets ain’t got shit on Toph. The CD of today is one that I never got tired of this year, I’d like to think of it as my battle cry for ‘05.