Toph Speaks

I thought I would start this edition of Ask Toph with a holiday song. So, sit back and prepare your ears for this amazing rendition of Silver Bells. UGHHUH (clearing throat). Silver bells…. (silver bells)… silver bells… (silver bells)… soon it will be… Christmas Day… Ring a ding… (ring a ding)… ring a ling… (ring a ling)… Soon it will be… CHRISTMAS DAY.

Do you like how I built it at the end there? I thought it was real passionate. I’m a passionate guy. This edition of Ask Toph is one that is near and dear to my heart. We will address questions and concerns for the holiday season. Let’s get right to it shall we?

Charles in Columbus, OH - Toph, Why are Christmas colors red and green? I don’t look good in red and green.

Charles, I don’t know. I’m going to have to consult the professionals. Dr. Mike Wallace of Cornell University says, “Green is used because we use Evergreens and red is because of holly and drops of Christ’s blood.” That’s all well and good, but I needed another source. I consulted with Dr. Ryan Owens of Greenville Ave. University who said, “After I spend the green, I beat their skillet red, gravy noodles.” That’s right, Charles, gravy mo’ flackin’ noodles. And you don’t look good in it because you are ugly.

Melissa in Denver, CO - Toph, what are the chances you would come to my families Christmas celebration? I told them I was dating someone very serious and that he would be here for Christmas. Would you do it?

Melissa, I appreciate you considering me for your fake boyfriend. However, what will happen is your family will love me, you will fall in love with me, and I won’t like the present that you will give me. It will end with you crying and me returning the gift. I am sorry.

Sam in Union City, GA - Yo Toph, is you Santa? You know, cause, people are talking.

Sam, if by Santa you mean, do I live in the North Pole? Am I married to Mrs. Claus? Do I have elves and reindeer? Do I make toys and deliver them to the children all over the world? If by all this you ask if I am Santa Claus, then yes, I am.

Rebecca in Philly, PA - Toph, I am making my first holiday meal for my husband and his family. Any suggestions on making it go well?

Yes. Pay someone else to make it. I know excited you are, but let’s be honest, you have never done anything of this magnitude. You will inevitably fail, his family will hate you, and the rest of your life will be miserable. Do you want that? I didn’t think so.

Doug in Roanoke, VA - Tiggidy Toph Toph. Man, I can’t believe I got one my emails on this, yo. Check this. I super glued some mistletoe around my bizzos and you know it ain’t comin’ off. What the hell do I do, dog?

Doug, why would you want to get it off? I understand the long term, and you can just run it under hot water or something. But, Doug, people have to follow what the mistletoe says. Leave it on, at least till after New Years. I’m proud of you today.

Well, guys, that about wraps it up for this edition of Ask Toph. See what I did there? Wraps it up, like a present. I thought it was good. Thank you for all the emails and keep them coming. I will have New Years tips coming up. I’m going to give you some advice that I gave the three wise men a long time ago. “Listen, wise guys, how about you take a left a follow that star. It will lead you to Jeeze Creeze everyone likes that kid.”