February 3, 2010
Graffiti Tuesday
Why not get political? I was going to stay away from Banksy this week, but this just really looks badass.
This is over in Bristol, UK…
Happy mo’ fuckin’ Groundhog’s Day.
February 1, 2010
Skillet of the Month… Mila Kunis
Is it February all ready??
Wow, January flew by, which is pretty shocking all things considered.
The Skillet of the Month for February is Mila Kunis. You know Mila from That 70’s Show, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Family Guy and being awesome. Mila is arguably the hottest Russian chick ever… Chill… I said arguably.
Strangely, she’s been with Macaulay Culkin for like 7 years. She also loves World of Warcraft. People think that’s important.
Word… Enjoy February.
January 30, 2010
Ask Toph XXVI…
What a day, right? It’s Friday, we have a job… and we have shit to do. I will say this, to all my friends and readers, I’m sorry that you guys have never experience me high. It’s truly a sight to see. So, to the handful of you that have had the chance to see this live… You’re a lucky handful of people.
Onto the questions…
Evan in Long Island – I like this girl. Dude, she is the hottest chick I have seen. She has great tits, a tight ass, a flat stomach and amazing hair. I want to let my peen marinate in her. I just want to stick it, finish and stay there hoping that my jizz and her lady juice act as a glue that holds my peen in there forever. Problem, though, she has a lisp. I cannot stand to hear her talk. I just don’t understand lisps. Can she not hear what we all hear? Does she not hear how the rest of sound? What is up with that shit, man? This could be a dealbreaker.
–Evan, you’re a tard. If you’re lucky enough to find a girl with a lisp you hold on for dear life. You truly have not experience a blewjob until you’ve had one from a chick with a lisp. Look at me dude. You want to hold onto her tightly. I don’t know if they’re just looser with their mouths, or are more aware of their teeth, but they do that shit right. Trust.
Kurt in San Diego, CA – Hey Toph… You’re in Vegas a lot… I’m throwing a bachelor party, and wanted a rundown of what you thought.
–Oh, Kurt… I want to high five you right now. In 26 AskToph’s no one has ever asked me this. Alright, alright, alright. First of all, stay on the strip. I hear that Aria is amazing, but I haven’t been there yet. So, the Bellagio is probably the best way to go. Hit the blackjack tables for a bit, just to get warmed up and have some cocktails. In terms of dinner, I’d hit up Simon at the Palms Place. Don’t order anything like steak, or really anything heavy. Just get a bunch of appetizers and cocktails. Trust me, the biggest mistake people make in Vegas is eating a ton of food. It goes wrong every time. Request the back room, though, OK? You can basically take it over and be loud and obnoxious. Before dinner, have everyone meet at Rojo Lounge. It’s really chill, and is a nice meeting spot. After dinner, (make sure you have a late dinner, by the way) get a car and head over to the Rhino. The first night needs to be strip club night. This way everyone has plenty of money, and can buy the bachelor plenty of dances. After you’ve exhausted his lap, the night is yours, if you’re still alive. Truthfully, it should be around 3am at this point.
Day 2 eat a big breakfast at a buffet. Seriously, I love Vegas buffets. I usually work during the day in Vegas, so my advice here isn’t great. When we went for Ryan’s birthday we hit the pool, then went shopping and rode the roller coaster. We also did some gambling, of course. I’d meet up at the Caesar’s sportsbook to do some betting on games, and eat there. Make sure to call and get table service at XS. I’m going to say it again, it’s the best club in Vegas right now. You have to get table service, there are just too many dudes. Make sure everyone is in, and will pay for the table. After the sportsbook, go back and have a nap, shower and meet in the lobby. I don’t recommend dinner tonight, really. You ate a huge breakfast on purpose, and then ate at the sportsbook. Tonight your dinner is vodka.
Now, what you do after that is really up to you guys. You have options like going to a different club (I can only handle one), back to the peelers or you can gamble more. Let me tell you what I’d do. At this point, you and your friends have dropped an unbelievable amount of money, right? My friends and I have a bit of a tradition we call, “White Trash Gambling.” Gold Coast, across from the Palms, next door to the Rio, has the cheapest gambling ever. I’m talking about $5 blackjack, $1 craps and so on. You can also be a complete drunken idiot here, and no one cares, because they need your money. It’s always an incredible time, because we’re always so wasted.
On day 3, get the fuck out of Vegas. Do not pass Hard Rock, do not collect $200. OK, maybe pass Hard Rock.
B***** in Washington DC – Should we really respect women?
–Meh…
Steve in Dallas, TX – What do we do without fantasy football?
–Fuck if I know, man. Maybe we go to Vegas with that Evan guy?
Quac – Oakland, CA – Wassup man. So, I work in the office and there’s this little Asian chick that’s just fucking hotter than wasabi and she wears the sluttiest outfits all the time. But her boyfriend’s an Oakland cop. How do I work this out? And my coworker, Al, said he wants in if it happens. Do I let him work it out?
–The good news, Quoc, is that there’s about a million slutty Asian chicks in San Francisco. Unless she signs a contract saying that she’s not going to tell her cop boyfriend, I wouldn’t stick it. Of course, I would convince Al that he has a shot. Then, when the cop boyfriend kills Al, and goes to jail, you can stick her all. fucking. night. You’re welcome.
Brandon in Philly, PA – Toph, every single girl I meet that is our age now is homely and unattractive and fat and wears too much makeup. It’s not really a question, more of a “what the fuck?” Which, I guess, is a question.
–The problem with chicks at around 25 is that they don’t understand that their metabolism slows dramatically, their hormones cause their faces to break out and they have to try 20 times harder to not look homely.
Ladies, this is for you. You need to do some cardio. You need to run, eat smaller meals more frequently, head to the dermatologist and walk the line between slutty and homely. OK? If you need help, let me know.
Lastly, a friend of mine just told me this… I’d like to think I’m a good guy, but I really don’t know…
“When I ask you questions, before I believe the answers I have to ask myself what’s in it for you if you lie to me.
If I can think of anything, I don’t believe you.
And even sometimes I’m still wrong.”
Late.
January 27, 2010
The Devil is Named Skinny Fit, Banana Republic
If you were following me on Twitter sometime last year in July, you saw me say, “banana republic, why the eff would u have shirts in slim fit only & not normal s,m,l,xl, as well? In what world does slim fit XL make sense?” Link
I had no idea the explosion of Banana Republic skinny fit shirts that would happen once hitting send on that tweet.
If you can remember way back to last year, before I had to rebuild the TophSpeaks empire, I talked a lot about men’s fashion as it related to me. Nanner Republic, not gonna lie, was always an anchor in my day to day clothing choices. Let’s be honest, it’s easy, relatively inexpensive, and used to be pretty durable. Sure, you got the random shirt that after one wash the sleeves shrank, but generally it was solid.
July of last year, I strolled into BR, and noticed that a couple of the shirts I like were “slim fit.” They were the style I liked, but they just didn’t fit. The issue was that the mediums were too snug, and the larges were too big. Um, what the fuck?
The more I went back to Nanners, the more slim fit shirts I noticed. The ratio in July was 2 in every 5. The ratio as of Saturday? 4 in 5, and the 1 non slim fit was ugly anyways. No one wants to wear that shit.
Here’s the good news, I now fit in the slim fit medium. Yeah, it feels good, too, bitches.
But, TophSpeaks isn’t just about me (yes it is), it’s about you, my readers. My fat, fucking readers who shouldn’t be discriminated against because you’re too large for the XL slim fit shirt. There isn’t a place in the world that extra large slim fit makes sense!
It’s a real life oxymoron! It’s bigger than Jumbo Shrimp! SO MANY EXCLAMATION POINTS!!
Let’s say NO to slim fit. There’s no place for it in this world. Down with slim fit, and back with regular fucking sizes. Because, if you’re going to do slim fit, then shouldn’t you do fat fit, as well?
Small fat fit for me, please.
NO!
It doesn’t make sense!
So, unless you plan on rolling out Fat Fit, it’s time to rid the world of Slim Fit.
Word.
January 26, 2010
Graffiti Tuesday
Can you believe it has been raining for 3 weeks in San Francisco?
Will it ever end!?!
This is at the Rainbow Warehouse in Birmingham, UK.
January 23, 2010
D. Is Amazing
I’m getting really close to dropping the biggest news in the world on y’all, but first we need to catch up with my project, D.
There wasn’t much going on with D. from the last emails till now, so let’s do a quick recap.
Last time we left D., he was trying to make Amber jealous with Britney. He had just gotten his fake I.D., and was taking her out. Here’s what happened.
Toph,
On a scale of 1 – Terrible, it was at a 9. Britney seriously made me want to stab everyone in the restaurant. I’ve always known that she was the easy one, but my god she eats retard sandwiches all day. I was going to be slick, and order us a bottle of wine for the table. Waiter asked us what we’d like to drink, and I asked to see the wine menu. Britney then proceeded to say, “D., you’re not old enough to drink.” Good job, Brit. When I laughed and told the waiter, “Bitch is crazy,” it was too late. She then proceeded to order some frou frou shit, and ate off my plate. Toph, seriously, is this what you have to do for sex? After dinner, we went back to her parents house, and we made out for a bit. I got to rub her boobs, which are awesome. Seriously, dude, they are awesome.
On Monday, at school, Makayla said that Britney couldn’t stop talking about our date. She said that Amber looked crazy jealous, but didn’t want to say anything. Come on, man, could I be doing any better?
D.
You give a kid some confidence, and they just start turning it out. Could you imagine being the waiter in that situation? Aren’t you just thinking to yourself, “Sucks, kid, I was totally going to let y’all get fucked up, but be responsible and make you call a cab.” At least, that’s what I would do.
D.
You now have Amber on the ropes. It’s time to throw the haymaker. Ask her out. Go somewhere else, and make the shit happen.
Toph
Doesn’t end there. D. responded…
Toph, what if I kinda like Britney? Did I mention how awesome her boobs are?
Happens every time….
Well, D., that’s up to you, man. I’ve known boobs that were so awesome you don’t realize that you’re dealing with a tard sandwich. And, since, clearly, Amber digs you, it’s an all for one situation you’re in. I say risk it. I didn’t get you involved in this situation so you could fall in love. I got you in this situation so you could fuck everybody. Trust me, Britney sounds so dumb, she won’t care anyways. Make it happen.
Toph
Kid has a heart… I respect, and yet, I want to tear it down and rebuild it in my image.
January 21, 2010
Quick Vegas Recap
I’m not going to do a full Vegas recap, so I thought I’d do a quick breakdown.
Sunday
- The 2 days of luck began on the plane. I didn’t just have the seat next to me open… I had the entire effin’ aisle open.
- First time in my life that there was no cab line at the Vegas Airport.
- Upgraded from my normal Palms room, to a bigger, better one in the Fantasy Tower free.
- Had an amazing dinner at Simon in Palms Place with good friends.
- Drank loads of Whiskey, and we all shared food – including the biggest cotton candy ever.
- Partied the night away at what’s becoming our usual spot, XS at Encore.
- Started playing blackjack at the Wynn at 2:30am – finished at 5am. Won about $150.
Monday
- Meetings starting at 10am. Free badge to the conference. More meetings all day.
- Between 2 meetings, hit the roulette table to put my usual bet of $15 on 21 (my baseball number), 7 (Diabla’s softball number) and 8 (Ray’s baseball number… why Ray’s baseball number? I’ve learned that if I don’t, it will always hit 8. So now I do.) Fucking hit 21 on roulette, and won $175. The celebration was insane.
- Lunch with a couple of friends at the luxurious Rio (where the convention was).
- Landed an old client that we’ve had an interesting past with.
- Closed my first deal in my new, uh, role.
- Joined some friends at a suit party in the Palms Place.
- Went to dinner with a lot of people at a random Tapas place in this shopping center in Vegas. We ended up eating with the head chef, as well as the host of some TV show in the Fine Living Network, and had everything paid for. Apparently, this place is some hidden gem.
- Ended up drinking bottles of whiskey and vodka at Jett. Actually, this was the most meh of the trip.
- Finished the night out with White Trash Gambling at Gold Coast till around 5am. Won about $100.
- All told – 3 Cuban Cigars smoked, countless Maker’s Marks drunk, up $375, 3 deals closed,and 2 completely amazing nights.
January 20, 2010
Whoa… Vegas
That was an unbelievable trip. Hope you enjoyed the tweets.
Once I get caught up at the office, I’ll be back to making it happen.
Should be tomorrow or Friday.
