Welcome to the 3rd Annual Toph Awards, The Tophies. You’ve been waiting all year to find out who will be the Skillet of the Year and you won’t be disappointed. Unless, well, I guess you could be disappointed, but whatever. It’s been a long year, and I’m happy you’re still with me.
In 2009 look for a lot more stories, because I have an idea of where I’m taking this blog, and a lot more of the same things you’ve come to love from TophSpeaks.
But, for now… sit back, grab a beer and enjoy the 2008 Tophies…
Best Supporting Skillet of the Year - This award is for the Skillet in waiting. She had a decent 2008, and should make a big run in 2009. The nominees are… Summer Glau from Terminator, Bristol Palin from Sarah Palin (you know it…), Rachael Taylor the Aussie from Transformers and Annalynne McCord from the new 90210. And… the winner is, easily… Summer Glau. She’s hot, and on a terrible show.
Best Dude that I Hate to Admit is Awesome - You know that there are those times when you see a dude, and you think, “Damn, he’s kind of badass, and I hate him for it.” Well, here’s the category for them. And… the nominees are… Seth Rogan from every movie you’ve seen, Shia Labeouf from if Rogan wasn’t in it Shia was, Justin Gaston the guy dating Miley Cyrus (yeah, I’m a little jealous) and Jonah Hill from Superbad and every other movie you’ve seen… and the Tophie goes to… Jonah Hill. Dude is hilarious in every movie he’s in… Yes, even Accepted.
Worst Celeb Moment of the Year - Obviously, celebs are batshit crazy, and the Tophies celebrate. The nominees for Worst Celeb Moment are… Pete and Ashley Wentz naming their kid Bronx Mowgli when neither of them hail from New York, Madonna and A-Rod, Lindsay Lohan becoming a lesbian, Heidi and Spencer get married and Tila Tequila publishes a fucking book. The Tophie goes to… Lindsay Lohan! Look, do drugs, drink booze, go to rehab, but don’t take away our dreams of sexy-time by dating the ugliest chick in the world. If you’re going to go lesbian, at least do it right.
Skillet Athlete of the Year - This award goes to our hottest female athlete of the year… and the nominees are… Ana Ivanovic in tennis, Natalie Gulbis in golf, Jennie Finch in softball, Lokelani McMichael in triathlon and Leryn Franco in Javelin. And… the Tophie goes to… Leryn Franco. She took the Olympics by storm, and trumped Stokke as this year’s breakthrough sexy athlete.
Worst Performance from a Professional Team - I would talk about the collapses from the Mets, Cowboys and Broncos, but in reality, there’s not a worse team than the 0 - 16 Detroit Lions. They set the bar for bad.
Breakout Skillet of the Year - This category is for the skillet who emerged big time in 2008. She’s hot, and will be around for a long time. And… the nominees are… Taylor Swift who was everywhere, Sarah Palin the VP sexpot, Yvonne Strahovski of Chuck, and Katy Perry who is still kissing girls. And… the Tophie goes to… Taylor Swift hands down. Has anyone had a bigger year than Taylor Swift?
Best Gadget of the Year - Pretty self-explanatory the nominees for Best Gadget are… iPhone 3G, the WiiFit, the Greenest Macbook and the T-Mobile G1. And… the Tophie goes to… the WiiFit, simply because of ALL THESE videos.
Worst Gadget of the Year - And, for the worst… the nominees are… The Macbook Air, Blackberry Storm and Microsoft Vista (When did that come out? It’s still bad.) And… the Tophie goes to… Blackberry Storm
Best New Show of the Year - There weren’t many new shows in 2008, and not very many made it to the end of the year, but here are the nominees… Privileged which stars hot girls, 90210 which also stars hot girls, Fringe which has Joshua Jackson and Kath and Kim… and the Tophie goes to… Fringe. Yeah, I wanted Privileged, because the girls are so cute… but Fringe is really good.
Worst New Show of the Year - Well, this is going to be hard, since there were so many bad ones… the nominees are… America’s Toughest Jobs, Knight Rider, Life on Mars and Crusoe… the winner (or loser) is… Knight Rider… good try NBC, but this was terrible.
Best Fashion Trend on a Lady of the Year - Skirts with knee highs is kind of trashy, which makes it really hot. mmmm…
Worst Trend on a Lady for the Year - This is tough, because there were two that I hated. Let’s give them both the award. 1. Shorts and High Heels.. Only ridiculously hot girls can pull it off, but the uglies thing they own it 2. 80’s jeans. Gross.
Most Hated A-Hole of the Year - There are a lot of assholes, and they should get something, right? The most hated A-Hole of the year nominees are… Jeremy Piven people seem to hate him, A-Rod is a dick, Tom Brady I hate you cause you’re beautiful… errrr…., Spencer Pratt the plastic helped his lady and Justin Gaston because I’m still a little jealous about him and Miley. And… the Tophie goes to… Justin Gaston. Come on… he’s 20?!?!
But, before I left for the Holidays, I wanted to tell you all Merry Christmas from all of us at TophSpeaks (which is basically, me and Ray, who makes sure the site always works).
I love doing this site, and I’m happy so many of you read it (or, just come here to look at the photos all the ladies).
Also, I’m apologizing in advance for when ads start poping up on the site next year.
I hope you get all the presents and sex you can possibly handle, and know if I could (and Dibs wouldn’t kill me) I’d stick each one of you personally.
Yeah, you read it right, it’s the Skillet of the Month. If you don’t know why it’s now the Skillet of the Month, instead of the week, then you should go back two blogs and find out.
So, we’re now doing monthly, how exciting!?
We’ll keep doing monthly, unless I get an uprising from the locals to change it back to weekly. It’s on your shoulders now.
For December, we have Bond Girl, Olga Kurylenko.
Have you seen the new Bond movie? Dude, I liked it. A lot people who’ve seen it, say it wasn’t good, but what are you going to do? What were your thoughts?
So, we’re continuing the last Ask Toph, and I’m tackling all of the emails I get about love, ladies and hitting on them.
I once said that I was like Angels in the Outfield. I get you to the World Series, but you have to play the game. See? (I Wish They All Could Be Myspace Girls)
Well, today, all of that changes. I’m finally answering your questions about opening and closing the deal, what to do while you’re doing the deal and other things I wouldn’t divulge before. It’s my secrets to being totally awesome all of the time revealed.
Keep in mind, this is one man’s opinion, and it’s worked for him 100% of the time. But, to be fair, have you seen me? I ooze sex.
Rod in Pasadena, CA - Ok, Toph, I’m in a bar, and I see a girl I like. What do I do?
–Hey, Rod. This is a very intimidating process, but you’re going to be OK. The first thing I like to do (liked… I’m married now, Rod.) is to make eye contact and smile. Look, you’re just going to have to go with me on this. Some dudes, they just blindly send a drink over. What do you think, douche, that the chick is going to talk to you out of drink buying pity? No. You make eye contact, and smile at her. If she smiles back, then you’re free to make a move. If she doesn’t smile back, and starts vomiting, or something, then don’t go talk to her. But, if she smiles, Rod, then you’re open to say hello, and probably fuck.
The next question will finish this…
Brandon in Charlotte, NC - Hey man, what do I say to girls when I meet them?
–You say, “Hello, I’m Brandon in Charlotte, NC.” OK, maybe just stick with your name. Seriously, that’s all it takes. Say something funny, or something to effect of, “I never do this, but I had to come over and meet you.” You know what’s crazy? Everything after that pretty much takes care of itself. I mean, you need to keep eye contact and maybe witty, and at least act like you care about what she’s talking about. And, Brandon, remember her name. Hell, sing it in a song if it helps, but you should use her name a few times in conversation. It sends a signal to her that you’re actually interested. Don’t be like, “Oh, cool, Brandy. Brandy, would you like another drink, Brandy?” No, that’s weird, and how come whenever I type “Brandy” I really want to type Moesha? Anyways, be yourself, unless yourself really sucks. Then, be like me. I just so happen to be remarkably charming, witty and funny. So, being me rules.
Look at you guys… asking the right questions at the right time…
Chuck in Philadelphia, PA - Ok, Toph, let’s say I’m talking to her, right? Well, what’s next? What do I do?
–That depends, Chuck. Do you want to poke her, take her out, get her number? What do you want to do Chuck? Here let’s break down each scenario, OK.
—–You want to make sexual sauce with her: Well, this isn’t as easy as it used to be. You have to be on your game to have a one-nighter. Chuck, man, you have to get her drunk. I’m sorry, but it’s the way that it is. (Or, as one of my lady friends admits, “Be friends with my cousin’s husband, apparently. But, I’ve slept with all his friends so, whatever.) In order for me to explain how to do it sober, well, let’s say I’ve got to go sleep eventually, and don’t have that kind of time on my hands. No, you have to get her out of the bar. I know this borders on creepy, but you’re the one who wants to know. Ask her if you can take her home, or share a cab, or something. Get her out of the bar, and go to her place somehow. I’ve said this a million times, dudes, no one-nighter’s at your place. In the short-term it works, but there are so many long-term risks.
—–Get her number: This is the easiest. Just say something to effect of, “I’d really like to call you sometime. It’s industry standard 2 days, right?” Something clever, you know, then ask for her number, and pray it’s not a fake. I will say, for the record, I’ve never gotten a fake number. But, I’m also really good at what I do. You have to be able to read people, you know.
—–Take her out: This is sort of in the “get her number” topic, but this actually involves you setting a date. Give her 3 days in advance for a date, pick her up and pay for it. At least, for the first one. Open all the doors, and walk her to her door- I don’t know when these two things stopped being normal. You know what happens when you walk girls to their doors (my Dad literally told me this when I was 13)? They kiss you, and ask you to come inside to do stuff. You want to do stuff, right?
Aaron is Baton Rouge, LA - Toph, how do I make my exit? What do I say, or do?
–Aaron, I’ve answered this before… but, it’s important, so I’ll repost it.
Tank in Des Moines, IA - Toph, I have bit of a problem. Whenever I finish having sex with a lady, I don’t know what to do. Please help.
- Tank, this is a great question. If (and let’s hope, Tank) you are wearing a condom, make her take it off with her teeth, and eat it. I have heard that it can be a yummy snack. You can say clever things like, “remember that door you came in through, find it”. Or you can do my personal favorite, which is, get up, grab a towel, throw it at her and say, “Clean it”. Chicks dig that, Tank, they do indeed.
It’s sound advice, Aaron, and I’ll expand a little on it. Get the fuck out of there. Do it quickly, quietly and swiftly. You don’t want to linger around, and have her get sick of you. Just go. Leave a note if you must, but make sure all that note says is, “Clean it.”
Jackie in Cleveland, OH - Hey cutes! How come guys are the worst at hitting on girls. Is it weird if I hit on a guy?
–Jackie, of course it’s not weird. In fact, it’s encouraged, but there are rules for the ladies, too. Here they are:
1) Be hot.
Tommy in Portland, OR - Toph, what if I’m, you know, putting it to a girl, and I can tell that she’s not into it. Anything I can do to make her like it?
–Besides putting it in her butt, Tom? There’s tons of stuff you can do to get her in it. In fact, there are people whose entire job is teaching other people what do to if she’s not in it. But, let’s talk about some quick and easy ways to turn things around for you. You could put it in her butt. She might be weirded out at first, but don’t worry, she’ll get used to it. Change positions into something that will make your peen go deeper into her vag. Like, putting her on her shoulders with her legs in the air. Or, on the edge on the bed with her back on the bed, while spreading her legs and burying that peen deep. You could flip her over, put a pillow under her stomach, close her legs and let the crazy friction juices go to work while you pound her vag. Add an Asian chick to the evening. Or, kiss her gently on her neck. You could even just blow your load on her chest. See? Tons of shit, Tom.
Jill in New Haven, CT - You’re my fucking hero, Toph, and I love you,
Sappinin’, suckas. I had a flooded inbox of Ask Toph questions on a variety of topics, so I thought I’d reach out to you, the little people, and answer your questions. Oh, and Mike, sorry I missed your email early November. You shouldn’t kill yourself. Life is too awesome. I mean, look at the photo above. Hope it’s not too late. As always, send you questions to Toph@TophSpeaks.com.
Lisa in Boston, MA - Toph, what do you like to when you’re bored? I have absolutely nothing to do right now. The Patriots stink, the Red Sox aren’t playing and the Celtics are sold out every night. I’m just a lonely girl in a cold, cold town.
– Lisa, let me be the first to say, “Suuuup…?” You do bring up a good point though; there is too much sex that should be easily had that is going without due to the cold weather. There should be a club that singles can go to that accepts an equal amount of men and women. You would be judged at the door. Hot ones get in early, and the later it gets the more uglies they allow in. This way, if you’re not making it happen, then your odds increase as the night goes on. They shouldn’t have dancing, because puts too much pressure on the dudes. No, it should basically be FriendFinder.com, but in a bar. Maybe they should just call it Friend Finder Bar or Pub or Tavern or something. I mean, what single isn’t going to this? Oh, the ones with dignity… got it.
Chuck in Reno, NV - Toph, thanks for everything you do. Not to point out the obvious, and guide your agenda on your own blog, but where are the skillets? I haven’t seen one in the past couple of weeks. Sup with that?
–Chuck, thanks for noticing the daily goings-on of the blog. I don’t want to say I’m burned out on the skillets, because I am not. However, I was thinking of maybe moving it to Skillet of the Month. With the weekly skillets, oftentimes I rely on it for new content. Then, I don’t write as much. What’s TophSpeaks without the writing? (Yes, I know writing is not speaking.) What do you think? Maybe I could do So-and-So To Brighten the Day more often or something. Of course, if you love the Skillets of the Week, then I’ll definitely keep pumping them out. It’s as much your blog as it is mine. (This is totally not true. It’s mine… ALL MINE!!!)
Rhea in Lousiville, KY - Hey Toph!! You’re always talking about this amazing life you live. What is it that you do, and how are you not broke like the rest of us?
–Hi, Rhea… While I’ll never tell you what company I work for, I will say what it is that I do. I work for this pretty kickass search engine marketing company in San Francisco. Basically, I do sales, account management and copy writing for the search engines. The sales and account manager side of the business is what allows me to go on all these trips, and have all these amazing stories. Trust me, I know how lucky I am. Now, the blogs, well, they’re not necessarily written while I’m at work. I just publish them during the hours, because readership is up then. Besides the work, and the blogs, there’s the podcast, the t-shirts, the children’s book… I do so much in so little time, Rhea.
Bob in Jackson, MI - Hey bud, thinkin’ about cheatin’ on my wife. Thoughts?
–Bob. I’ve always liked the name Bob for some reason. I’d like to name my kid Bob. Bob Miller. Bob Toph Miller. Toph Bob Miller Jr. As far as cheating on your wife goes… well… that’s different. You have to set a list, and then make sure it checks off 100%. Since I don’t know you’re wife, I’ll do a list based on mine.
1. Would she cut off your penis? - Yes.
2. Would she not only murder you, but the chick, and probably everyone you know? - Yes.
3. Any chance of survival? - Nope.
4. Is she Mexican? - Yes.
5. Is this the worst idea ever? - Uh-huh.
Margie in Fayetteville, AK - Hey Cutes, I have finals coming up this week, and I didn’t prepare very well. Any ideas for how to cheat on the test?
–Man, we have a lot of cheaters today. And, is Arkansas AK, or AR? I don’t know. Now, Margie, I just so happened to be telling Dibs a story about how I started wearing 2 shirts at once. See, I didn’t so well in chemistry my first time around in high school, so, I had to take it again. Considering Mrs. Robertson hated me with all of her heart, I wrote the answers on the inside of my undershirt. That way, when the whore teacher would walk buy I’d be able to cover it. When she’d say stand up, you’re cheating, I would and there would be nothing to see! Suck it, Mrs. Robertson! Look at me now!
Phil in Rye, NY - So, I like this girl at work, and I don’t know what to do. I think she likes me, but I don’t know. How can I know, Toph?
–Phil, it’s a tough fucking world out there. Ladies are the hardest part about it, too. We could figure out the world’s economic crisis faster than we could sort out women. But, I will tell you this, Phil, just fucking go for it. If there’s one thing I’ve learned is that you should just go for it. The worst thing that will happen is she’ll say no… and, be really creeped out by it. Then, she’ll probably tell all of your coworkers that that loser, Phil, asked her out on a date. “HAHHAHAHA… Fuckin’ Phil??!!? HAHAHAHA…” They’ll all say. Your boss will hear about it, and at that point the story is that you’re stalking her and shit. So, you’ll be taken to court for sexual harassment, and you’ll definitely lose your job. Phil, you’re losing your job at the worst possible time, because of the economy (we talked about the economy before, remember?). And, guess what, Phil, Rye is an expensive town. You undoubtedly have a mortgage that you have to pay for. How can you do that with no job, and mounting lawyer fees? Plus, you’re still paying off the debt from college, as well as your mom’s hospital bills. She’s sick; Phil, and you gotta step up and be man here. And, guess what? You just found out that Michelle, remember from NYU that weekend, is pregnant with your kid. Phil, dude, you’re fucked - All because you asked some chick on a date. Ouch.
Christmas is the most wonderful time in the world. I know it, you know it, everyone friggin’ knows it. Let’s look at the breakdown of awesomicity.
1. Making sweet, gooey love in the snow.
2. Riding reindeer all night long.
3. Mrs. Claus is finally alone for the night. (Rawr…)
4. Chicks in Santa Hats and Stockings.
5. Me in a Santa Hat and Stockings… (mmmmm…)
OK, so it’s really none of those things. It’s the presents, which is why I bring you Toph’s Holiday Gift Guide every year. Here’s last year’s in case you haven’t been keeping up.
To make it easy, let’s just keep the same template I used last year, which was - No Brainer gifts, and must-haves for him, her and the kids.
Merry Christmas!
No Brainer Must-Haves
iPhone 3G Gift Card - Seriously, could you imagine getting a gift card for Christmas, being kind of pissed off, then realizing it’s actually for the iPhone? You’d piss yourself with excitement wouldn’t you? Unless, of course, you already have a 3G iPhone. At that point, it’s probably best to not say anything, and just pretend to be thrilled.
15″ Mac Book Pro - Why not stick with Apple? This has made the list two years running, and the new one kicks the old one’s ass. (Sorry old one, which I am currently writing this article on, but you, too, know it’s true.) This is billed as the greenest laptop on the market, but really, who gives a shit? It’s the best piece of technology out there, and it’s only $2,799!!
Nintendo WiiFit - I mean, you’ve seen this video, right? What about this one, or this one, or this one? It’s still $89.99, so buy it, film it and put it on YouTube. (All videos can be submitted to Toph@TophSpeaks.com… please, no dudes or uglies.)
Sanyo - Xacti 8MP Digital Camcorder - Finally, you too can have a sex video online. This little guy kicks ass, and it’s size will give the best angles possible so you can capture that moment of glory. Available for only $399.99.
A Road Bike - The Big 3 automakers are going under, and it’s up to you get ahead of the game with a bicycle. Sell your car, it’s going to be useless soon anyways. (Maybe you shouldn’t sell your car…)
Must-Haves for Her
ChookaClassy Classic - Dibs has been begging for these all month. I’m still not sure she’s been good enough this year to receive a gift… we’ll see. These rain boots are available for $60.
Dots iPhone Gloves - Now that she has her iPhone, how is she going to use it in the cold? Dots Gloves has the answer. These are pretty sweet gloves, with dots on the finger tips for iPhone usage. Um, perfect.
Ralph Lauren Rugby - Something I have learned with Dibs in the past year is that I can’t go wrong when I buy stuff for her are Rugby. And, if that doesn’t work, then Martin + Osa and Banana usually do the trick. Of course, when all that fails, Victoria’s Secret is always good for everyone involved.
Fiji FInePix Camera - It’s a good camera for her, plus it comes in some pretty sweet colors. Colors are important in a camera now, you know? 8 megapixels, 5x zoom, face recognition and a stabilizer for only $179.99.
Sony - BRAVIA 32″ 720p Flat-Panel LCD HDTV - Since you’re getting “her” a TiVo, you should probably go ahead and get her a new TV, too. Go with the Sony LCD. They say their the best for video games, but she doesn’t need to know that, right? Available for $585.99. (Or go with the 40″ 1080 for $999.99, big baller.)
Must-Haves for Him
Burton Playmates Snowboard - OK, so maybe these are being banned at most resorts, but they’re still pretty damn awesome. I don’t actually know how they ride, but it’s Burton, so you’re in good hands. I wouldn’t worry about the price, because it’s one of those things you should just own. It’s $429, but I still wouldn’t worry about it…
Burberry Haymarket Check Card Case - I mentioned this last year, and had a similar Coach one under the tree. If you didn’t listen to me then, do it now. This wallet rules. It caused me to slim down my wallet, and I don’t have a huge lump sticking out of my ass. I also don’t stress that it’ll get stolen when I leave the house. It gets my biggest recommendation this year. It’s pricey at $170, but you can go cheap and find it elsewhere I’m sure.
Mio Knight Rider GPS Portable Navigation Device - Tell me you just didn’t get a boner thinking of this being under the tree. Yes, it talks in KITT’s voice, and yes, those lights work. Word on the streets is that it kind of blows as a GPS, but who cares, right? It talks like KITT! Available for $269.99.
Nolan, Jeets and Jordan Figurines- Todd McFarlane makes awesome stuff. Why wouldn’t you want a foot tall Jeets or Jordan? They’re only like 30 bucks.
Must-Haves for the Kids
wall-e Exclusive 16 Inch Programmable Robot - Um, tell me this isn’t badass? This blog isn’t big enough for me to tell you what it all does, so read for yourself. And, don’t worry that it’s $399.99, your kids smile (and yours) is priceless.
Starter Knives Young Cooks Cutting Set - This is a pretty cool gifts that the children in my family want. The glove protects their hands from the knives, so they can help their moms cook. Pretty badass, and only $29.95.
Star Wars Bedroom - Shit, you could get this for me. How badass would it be to wake up in a Star Wars comforter again?
Aly & AJ Guitar Hero Guitar - I don’t know who these chicks are, but their Guitar Hero guitars kind of rock. If I got this for Dibs, she’d love it, plus, they’re only $49.99.
It’s Diabla’s favorite holiday. Why? Well, I buy her a shitload of lingerie, because I created a holiday called Thanksgerie. As soon as we’re done with the turkey, we get to sexin’ in her new outfits. (As long as it’s after the Cowboys game.)
It’s a win-win situation for everyone involved. I get delicious turkey. She gets delicious sexual healing. Why wouldn’t you celebrate Thanksgerie.
All you have to do is buy your lady something sexy to say thanks for making you the delicious Thanksgiving meal. She worked hard, and now you’re going to repay her sexually.
It just makes sense, fellas.
I hope you all enjoy Thanksgerie!
Anyways, here’s a lot of random chicks in lingerie, because, well, we’re celebrating Thanksgerie.
I guess you could say I’ve been very lucky when it has to do with drinking. It seems that I’ve just always known someone working at a bar, owning a bar or someone who has known someone who works at or owns a bar. Unless we’re looking for something new or are out town, expensive bar bills is not something I’m accustomed to. It’s a life I’ve learned to love.
Getting hooked up a bar is essential while actively dating ladies. Truth is if you’re single, you should be going on at least 2 dates a week (at the very least Tuesday and Sunday, but we’ll get into that on another day). This is something that if done incorrectly, can be extremely expensive. Do the math - Dinner (appetizers, main course, bottle of wine or scotch, dessert) = $70 - 150, drinks after for $20 - $50 and you’ve suddenly dropped $200 on a girl that you’re only going to bang once… maybe twice. It’s not right, dude.
Well, I can’t help you much with the dinner, unless you know a waiter or something, but I can help you with the bar tab.
One of Ryan and my greatest successes was having a bar all of our own. OK, it wasn’t our bar, but we got whatever we want, and walked out with $10 tabs. How?
1. We picked a bar that pretty new, and didn’t have an establish following.
2. We drank with the owner and bartenders regularly, tipping big, and becoming friends on a first name basis.
3. After a few weeks, we made a deal. We told him, if we can pack this place out, then you’ll take care of us. Deal?
And, that’s what happened. We started “hosting” Dallas Morning News happy hours there, and people stuck around. Having people in the bar brought other people into the bar, and before you knew it, there were bands playing, a bouncer and chicks. The best part? Ryan and I never paid for shit, and were always the first people they’d come to at the bar. I’m not gonna lie, it was pretty badass.
In college, I learned that if you bring people into bars, then they’ll split money with you. Whether it’s money collected at the door, or a share of money earned at the bar. Well, this is basically the same, only they’re pouring you drinks instead of handing over money.
Granted, you may not have a shit ton people at your disposal to bring to the bar. Well, that’s OK, do everything else. You should make sure you tip big even when they’re hooking up with a $10 tab. Don’t tip $2 on a $10 tab when you had 10 drinks and 4 shots. Give them 100% tip.
