Toph Speaks

Once you get married, or really enter into a relationship of standards, things like making your own decisions suddenly changes completely. I, of course, say this with the utmost of respect and fear for my wife, La Diabla. Luckily for me, one of the decisions that was made entering into our relationship was that she would stay as far away from TophSpeaks as possible, and I would quit smoking by the time we had kids. So far, we’ve both held up to those promises. Although, I do miss smoking. But, that’s about the only decision that we’ve made that I’ve agreed with, or had any part in. And, truth be told, I can’t for the life of me figure out exactly how it is she got me to quit smoking.

The problem is in most relationships, and by most relationships I mean the normal ones where the male is completely terrified of the female, the woman makes all of the decisions. Look, I’m saying this as both a good thing and a bad thing, so for everyone out there that thinks I’m being negative against marriage just know that I’m not. I’m being negative about my marriage. (kidding….)

A typical night at the Toph household goes something like this -

Toph - Sappinin, Sexuals?

Diabla - You need to go to the gym. You’re getting chunky.

Toph - Well, I had a really hard day and would actually like to chill out to a Yankee game, order a pizza, call Ryan and Christian, and have some beers.

Diabla - (After 5 minutes of laughter)

Toph - I guess I’ll start stretching.

And so it goes. Maybe in the long run going to gym will benefit me more than watching the game with friends, eating pizza, smoking a cigar and drinking. In fact, I know it will, but it does make life a little less awesome, right? Don’t answer that.

They say you make sacrifices to make the person you’re with happy. What they don’t tell you is that this only applies to the man in the relationship. A good friend said to me last night, “Toph, I had no idea that she would start to use blowjobs as rewards, then take them away when I was bad. Have I not earned at least 2 blowjobs a week just from coming home every night?” I can’t say I know exactly how he feels in this situation, but the overall sympathy is there. Back when I was single, or when I lived alone in Dallas and Diabla lived somewhere South of the Border, I was free to do as I pleased. Again, I’m not saying the decisions I made were good, but they were my own. Not to beat a dead horse here (because I wouldn’t be allowed to), but things off the top of my head include; smoking inside, a steady diet of Whataburger, Chick-Fil-A, Krispy Kreame, and Taco Bueno, spending Tuesday - Sunday at a bar wasted (and Monday during football season), not going to work so that I could have video game day, waking up at midnight to write a column because I had a funny idea… the list goes on. (At this point I’d like to make it clear that I am still completely in love with my wife… I’m also terrified of her like every decent male should be.)

Think about it, when was the last time you had an important relationship decision? (If the answer is yesterday, then your relationship won’t last. Sorry, but it’s true and you fucking know it.) Even dinner becomes a problem. “Honey, what do you want to eat?” “Oh, you know, how about we go out and eat some lobster?” “Why would you suggest that? I don’t like seafood. How about we stay in and I cook chicken and rice. You know, it figures you always want to go out to eat. You have no concept for things like bills and saving for the future. I WANT A HOUSE! All you want to do is play and shop. At some point you’ve got to learn responsibility. And, you’re having water to drink. You look chunky.”

Somehow, something as simple as dinner turns into me being chunky.

Here’s the fun part - Mastering the decisions. Sure, I haven’t quite sorted this one out yet, but I have some hypothesis’ that are in the works. Hopefully some of you guys can be test subjects for me. Just, write down your data and send it over to me. Here’s what I mean: When she asks what I want for dinner, be assertive and reply with two answers. One that she really won’t want, and the other that she’d rather have over your idiotic first suggestion. “Honey, what do you want for dinner?” “Well, they’re having $1 wings at Hooters tonight, but if you don’t want that we could go get some lobster. They have a good fillet mignon at this place I read about on Yelp.” Of course, in my relationship the answer would be this: “I’m glad you have time to sit around and read restaurant reviews on Yelp all day. It’s no wonder you’re getting chunky. It must be nice to work at a place where you can write blogs and read restaurant reviews all day. You know what I do all day? I stand there and have to take shit from customers with massive accounts who treat me like shit because they have all this money. But you? You get to play on the computer, play video games, chat online and read restaurant reviews all damn day. Why don’t you meet me in the room for some sex.” (I said I didn’t make decisions… Not that I was in a bad marriage.)

At this point, I’m not even sure what I was getting at. This is all really funny to me, because my best friend Ray is getting married next month. Welcome in a new member to the world of no-decisions. Actually, he’s been here for a while now. He’s not afraid to admit it, either. Because like every other real relationship he’s completely terrified of his lady. Actually, I’m terrified of his lady, too.

Ain’t love grand?

TophSpeaks is back!

I’ve missed you guys while I’ve been away. In the past few weeks I’ve been around the US making the Life of Toph happen. It was an amazing vacation, but it’s good to finally be home where I belong. I have lots of news to share with you guys, but that will come in time.

What I will say is that we now have iPhone versions of both my sites - TophSpeaks.com and TheSportsBizzo.com. That’s pretty badass.

On to this week’s Skillet.

So, Diabla NetFlix’ed Mad Money, and it was a horrible movie. However, it reminded me of how much I miss Katie Holmes. Man, I was borderline obsessed with Katie Holmes in her Dawson’s Creek days. I was so jealous of Dawson and Pacey. Although, I did kind of think Pacey was the man, it wasn’t cool stealing your best friend’s girl. Who does that kind of shit?

Anyways, it’s a damn shame Katie is under Tom’s control, because she was something special. Let’s celebrate that, shall we?

I’ve missed you all terribly. Welcome back.

In case you haven’t noticed… I’m on vacation and will be till next Thursday.

I love you.

Toph

They say on every great woman is a bikini, which is why we’re bringing you the very first Toph Speaks Swimsuit Edition. I’m not gonna lie, I don’t really know anything about bikinis. I can’t tell you where to find the perfect one, or what colors will look best on you. What I know is what I think looks best, whether it’s on you or not. And I think it’s important for the ladies to know what we think is sexy in swimwear. Naturally, I represent all men, so stick with me ladies, and we’ll be fine.

There’s one thing I do want to get across, which is the same with everything I write about, less is more. Yeah, I meant that in a lot of ways here. If the swimsuit has this pattern of messiness and confusion on it, then put it down and walk away. It’s going to look ridiculous on you. And, yeah, maybe we don’t want you to be so covered. It’s time to let loose, and stop covering up everything. Let’s see a little of those butt cheeks you got there. It’d be OK to go with a smaller top, too. Global warming is happening, ladies… embrace it!

I’ve decided to give you my top 5 favorite bikini’s I found while spending 10 minutes searching online.

5. AE’s String Bikini in Black - American Eagle’s bikini model leaves a lot to be desired. The bikini on the other hand, is still pretty hot. Chicks should always have a plain black bikini, right? It’s like the little black dress. Always hot.

4. Beach Sexy Polkadot at Victoria’s Secret - OK, fine. It’s possible that this is the ugliest swimsuit in the world, but it might also be the hottest. I can’t tell, but alls I know is, Miranda Kerr is phenomenal. Plus, it’s on sale, so there you go.

3. Start It Up Tiki from Roxy - What’s summer without a Roxy bikini? This bikini is bright, and sexy. Plus, you can adjust it to do all sorts of sexual things. That’s versatility for your asses… errr… boobs. Their models look sick, and young. It’s doing weird things to me.

2. Beach Sexy Rhinestone Skull Halter at Victoria’s Secret - Maybe I’m a little biased here, because La Diabla works this swimsuit like nobody’s business, but it’s damn sexy. There’s something about the black, the smallness and the brown skin. Whew… I may get her to wear it tonight. Plus, Jarah is it in the photo, so there you go.

1. Betsy Johnson Parasol Top/Bottom from Urban Outfitters - OK, this may be a bit on the expensive side, and it might just be lingerie, but it’s hot. Really hot. Pretty retro, and it’s going to make you look good. Isn’t that what’s important here? Money? Pshaw…

And now… lots of photos of girls, famous and not, in BIKINIS!!!!!!

You don’t know Irina Sheik (otherwise known as Irina Shayk)? Truth be told, I don’t really either. What I do know is that she’s a smokin’ hot Russian who’s been in the SI swimsuit issue, and the Victoria’s Secret catalog.

How come the Russian’s I’ve met are all ugly, toad looking people? Where are these hot ones hidden?

So, I was only going to post a few of the many photos I have, but I decided I shouldn’t be so greedy. So brace yourselves Skillet fans, there’s a whole lot of Irina coming your way. Including a lot of her SI swimsuit issue photos from the past 2 years. Hot…

So, the day is plenty bright, but I do miss when it wasn’t. Then, I’d post some cute chick and everyone would be happy. Remember when I used to make you guys happy? Now all you do is bitch, complain and expect greatness. Well you’ll get greatness… as soon as I have a moment.

Actually, I’m preparing the Toph Life - Bikini’s edition soon ladies… so be on the lookout.

Here’s uber-hottie Rihanna!

This might be the funniest, most vain thing that I’ve done. But, what the ladies want, the ladies get.

Let’s give some background!

Born Christopher Alan Miller, he was raised in the great state of Texas, in a sexy town called Mesquite. He attended college at Texas Wesleyan University as a Theatre Major / Pre-Law minor. He came 6 credits short of a Pre-Law minor, and thought, “Fuck it… I’m done here.” Shortly after graduating, Christopher moved to New York with his best friend, Ray. Ray and Chris lived with their sassy friend, Bea, and her soon-to-be husband, Guav. They were a happy family. Ray had an idea that Chris start writing his long winded stories on a new social networking site taking over for Friendster, called Myspace. Chris, who didn’t want stupid people finding him, decided to use a pin name of Topher. Then, Chris began writing comical stories about sexual escapades, and life in New York for a Texas boy.

Upon returning home, he started working for The Dallas Morning News, and met Ryan. Ryan, being lazy and Texan, dropped the “er”, and Chris became forever known as “Toph”. (Not the weird Anime thing, either.)

Since then, Toph has been writing influential blogs, which has taken him from Myspace.com/tophmiller1, to TophSpeaks.wordpress.com, to TophSpeaks.com. He’s recently added TheSportsBizzo.com, which features his friends, Jon, Christian and Ted, under his belt (another site Ray has designed, along with TophSpeaks).

He’s currently married to his foreign mail-order bride, La Diabla, and living in San Francisco.

And, Toph loves you.

Since tomorrow, 6/3, is my Birthday, I’ve wanted nothing to do with writing.

Therefore, I will see you guys when I recover.

In the meantime, check out TheSportsBizzo.com!

I love you.

Toph

I’ve been thinking about college a lot lately. Not thinking I should attend, because I’ve already gone to college and graduated. Yeah, I had a pretty enjoyable experience. Now, I didn’t attend UT or The Ohio State, or any school like that. I went to a small school, but that’s not what this is about. We may not have a football team, but we are a NCAA dynasty in Table Tennis. I love posting that story.

The point is, I think we get robbed of the college experience. I don’t know where I’m going with this, either. I have about 4 different ways this story can go. Let’s try this one, and maybe we’ll switch it if it doesn’t work. First of all, I think I should be in college right now. I’m not talking about gradschool, either. Gradschool is some real ass school. No, I mean normal undergrad. I want to know about blogs, twitter and facebook while I’m in school. Could you imagine having internet on your phone in college? Oh my God, no way I’d do anything. Hell, I almost failed out my Sophomore year because I was having too much sex. Could you imagine what I’d do with technology distractions along with sexual ones? The blogs I could and would write would be phenomenal. Sure, I had a computer, but like most college kids, I used it for porn. I debated getting a laptop in school, but I didn’t need portable porn, so I didn’t need a laptop. Plus, the money I have now, and being of age for bars from the get-go. It would be extraordinary.

Keep in mind, I graduated in 2004. It’s not like I went to school way back when. I mean, that was only 4 years ago. The problem is, I don’t think I was fully ready for college. In fact, I’m not sure anyone was/is fully ready for college. Yes, we do make bad decisions in college, get wasted and somehow find time to actually study. But, we’re all way too immature to handle the responsibility of being truly awesome. Think about it - If you went back to college right now, how much better at it would you be?

This is actually (and popped in my head at the right time, because it proves my point) why Old School was so great. Because, knowing what we know now, we’d all be way too good at it. At this point in my life, I realize that nothing, I mean nothing, I did in college outside of my bedroom mattered much. Look, maybe that’s not true for you. I was a theatre major and am now in search engine marketing sales. But, when I was in high school people told me I’d be a great salesperson. Here I am.

Did you know that not a single person has asked me what my GPA was in college? In fact, my current and previous jobs (at a “respectable” newspaper and at a dot.com) didn’t even ask about my degree. We really should redo the college system. The people who plan to do things that matter should be shipped to the MIT’s, Yale’s and Harvard’s of world, while the people who plan on making it, should have their own schools. Think FSU, ASU, CU, you know, schools of that nature. The other option is to, like Old School, do college twice. The first 4 years, you should spend learning, growing and maturing. Let us go out into the world for a bit, then bring us back for 2 years. Let us do college right for 2 years, and enjoy it. The government can pay for it!

Maybe it’s an even better idea that we be forced into taking 3 years away from school before being allowed to start college. This way, we can get real life experiences, become a little wiser and handle our shit a lot better. We’d all be able to drink, and know how to balance things a lot better. How does this not make sense to everyone? We’d (well, most of us - you know who I’m talking to) would graduate at 25. This is about the age where we start taking work, 401K, marriage, etc., seriously. No more tolling around for 2 or 3 years thinking, “What am I going to do with my life.” By then if you haven’t figured it out, then system gets rid of you. Well, maybe that’s not true.

Seriously though, this is an incredible idea, and you know it.

For some reason, I’ve been saving Blake Lively. Not entirely sure why, but seeing Accepted over the weekend reminded me that it’s time. Sure, it’s long overdue, but I’ve been too fixated on other ladies of Gossip Girl to have a place for Blake Lively.

So, who is she? Well, she’s the blond chick from Gossip Girl. You know, the hot one that’s not the brunette? No? Well, that’s OK. She was also in the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I bet that one rings a bell. Seriously, what kind of title is that? What does it even mean? I don’t understand!!!!

So, enjoy…