Toph Speaks

One day we’ll get this shit back up and running properly…. of course, who the hell knows when.

Stay tuned…

Slowly, but surely you’ll start seeing TophSpeaks return to form. I’ve finally started working on the back filled blogs (you’ll see the latest Ask Toph’s now…), and hopefully we’ll have totally up and running normally in a couple of months.

In lieu of dwelling on the fall of the Toph Empire it’s time to start rebuilding. I will admit that I’ve had a lot in common with America. I mean, we both collapsed at the same time, but you’re finally getting glimpses of a recovery.

Unlike America, I fucking love spending money.

So, to start getting back to normal blogging life - here are a few things that I won’t be able to live without this summer.

Plastic Aviators - I freaking love these. They’re cheap, they’re easy to find and they’re badass. You should get some, if they look right. Don’t get shit just to get it.

Swim Trunks - I could go into a whole blog about trunks, and likely will, but in the meantime, just make sure you have some decent ones now.

Amazon Kindle - OK, I’m actually going to steal my friend, Beau’s, who just got his. Not going to lie, I’m pretty jealous. It’s perfect for San Francisco. Why wouldn’t you lay around in the park with this?

Longboards - I’m either going to need to get trucks on my board, or get a longboard… You should be able to find Ryan and I skating the Embarcadero this summer.

Fitted Tee’s - You didn’t spend the whole winter in the gym for nothing, did you?

The Perfect Flipflop - When it comes to flipflops, I generally go with Reef. Comfortable and durable… because if you’ve ever had your flipflip break while walking down the street, you know what I mean.

I don’t really know where to begin at this point. Let me start by saying, “I’ve missed the shit out of you.”

Oh, wait, do you not remember me? I’m your old friend, Toph. I’m your best friend, let’s be honest. With me gone you have had to do things like solve your own sexual shortcomings, find new music on your own, discover sexy new skillets by yourself, learn about how to be awesome all on your own. Look, I don’t like it anymore than you do, but let me say it has been a long road back.
I’m going to see if I can sort out what has happened, and then tell you how we can get back to where we belong. Basically, I’m semi-officially back.

Here’s what happened. At the beginning of the new year Ray and I decided we should move TophSpeaks to a new server. The reason is because DreamHost sucks ass, and it was time. So, as the site is being moved over, something happens and we lose every post from August to, well, now. I don’t know if you realize, but I write a lot of fucking posts. What can I say, I’m awesome. So, that was, obviously, pretty frustrating. Now, I discovered that all of my posts were saved in my RSS reader (yes, I subscribe to my own RSS feed). At this point, the issue was 3 fold. 1. The photos were Apple question mark boxes. 2. Was it worth the time to restore those post and re-upload the photos (which, I do still have). and 3. Would this happen again, because we still haven’t moved to the other server.

The other thing, maybe the most important thing, was this - I am the busiest man on the planet. Seriously, with work (and I mean, I have no free time at work anymore), then going to the gym for an hour (since we last spoke, I’ve lost 17 pounds… serious), dinner and sex with Diabla, I didn’t have time to restore the site. So, I contemplated closing this whole thing down.

Here’s the thing, I really love myself. I mean, if you can believe it, I love myself even more 17 pounds down. I also love writing. I couldn’t just let it go, so I’ve been holding on. Then, Ryan had maybe the most clutch idea ever, which was to start writing as usual, then back fill my old posts. I mean, really? Y’all bitches never thought of that?

The truth is, I get about 5,000 views a day. How am I not putting cpm ads on this site and making some money in exchange? If you can believe it, this is year 5 of TophSpeaks, which dates all the way back to Myspace (anyone remember that site?). There’s no way I can stop. Yeah, maybe I shouldn’t have nekkid chicks all over anymore, because I’m mature and refined now. But, there’s no way I should stop writing. My life is too awesome to stop now.

So, with that said, I’m back bitches. Look, I may not write as much as I used to, but you better believe that I’m back and ready to make it happen again.

Sorry for being gone so long. I’ve missed you.

Toph

Starting this weekend, I’ll be rebuilding TophSpeaks.

Soon enough we’ll be back up to full speed, making it happen again.

I miss you.

-Toph

So, we’re continuing the last Ask Toph, and I’m tackling all of the emails I get about love, ladies and hitting on them.

I once said that I was like Angels in the Outfield. I get you to the World Series, but you have to play the game. See? (I Wish They All Could Be Myspace Girls)

Well, today, all of that changes. I’m finally answering your questions about opening and closing the deal, what to do while you’re doing the deal and other things I wouldn’t divulge before. It’s my secrets to being totally awesome all of the time revealed.

Keep in mind, this is one man’s opinion, and it’s worked for him 100% of the time. But, to be fair, have you seen me? I ooze sex.

Rod in Pasadena, CA - Ok, Toph, I’m in a bar, and I see a girl I like. What do I do?

–Hey, Rod. This is a very intimidating process, but you’re going to be OK. The first thing I like to do (liked… I’m married now, Rod.) is to make eye contact and smile. Look, you’re just going to have to go with me on this. Some dudes, they just blindly send a drink over. What do you think, douche, that the chick is going to talk to you out of drink buying pity? No. You make eye contact, and smile at her. If she smiles back, then you’re free to make a move. If she doesn’t smile back, and starts vomiting, or something, then don’t go talk to her. But, if she smiles, Rod, then you’re open to say hello, and probably fuck.

The next question will finish this…

Brandon in Charlotte, NC - Hey man, what do I say to girls when I meet them?

–You say, “Hello, I’m Brandon in Charlotte, NC.” OK, maybe just stick with your name. Seriously, that’s all it takes. Say something funny, or something to effect of, “I never do this, but I had to come over and meet you.” You know what’s crazy? Everything after that pretty much takes care of itself. I mean, you need to keep eye contact and maybe witty, and at least act like you care about what she’s talking about. And, Brandon, remember her name. Hell, sing it in a song if it helps, but you should use her name a few times in conversation. It sends a signal to her that you’re actually interested. Don’t be like, “Oh, cool, Brandy. Brandy, would you like another drink, Brandy?” No, that’s weird, and how come whenever I type “Brandy” I really want to type Moesha? Anyways, be yourself, unless yourself really sucks. Then, be like me. I just so happen to be remarkably charming, witty and funny. So, being me rules.

Look at you guys… asking the right questions at the right time…

Chuck in Philadelphia, PA - Ok, Toph, let’s say I’m talking to her, right? Well, what’s next? What do I do?

–That depends, Chuck. Do you want to poke her, take her out, get her number? What do you want to do Chuck? Here let’s break down each scenario, OK.

—–You want to make sexual sauce with her: Well, this isn’t as easy as it used to be. You have to be on your game to have a one-nighter. Chuck, man, you have to get her drunk. I’m sorry, but it’s the way that it is. (Or, as one of my lady friends admits, “Be friends with my cousin’s husband, apparently. But, I’ve slept with all his friends so, whatever.) In order for me to explain how to do it sober, well, let’s say I’ve got to go sleep eventually, and don’t have that kind of time on my hands. No, you have to get her out of the bar. I know this borders on creepy, but you’re the one who wants to know. Ask her if you can take her home, or share a cab, or something. Get her out of the bar, and go to her place somehow. I’ve said this a million times, dudes, no one-nighter’s at your place. In the short-term it works, but there are so many long-term risks.

—–Get her number: This is the easiest. Just say something to effect of, “I’d really like to call you sometime. It’s industry standard 2 days, right?” Something clever, you know, then ask for her number, and pray it’s not a fake. I will say, for the record, I’ve never gotten a fake number. But, I’m also really good at what I do. You have to be able to read people, you know.

—–Take her out: This is sort of in the “get her number” topic, but this actually involves you setting a date. Give her 3 days in advance for a date, pick her up and pay for it. At least, for the first one. Open all the doors, and walk her to her door- I don’t know when these two things stopped being normal. You know what happens when you walk girls to their doors (my Dad literally told me this when I was 13)? They kiss you, and ask you to come inside to do stuff. You want to do stuff, right?

Aaron is Baton Rouge, LA - Toph, how do I make my exit? What do I say, or do?

–Aaron, I’ve answered this before… but, it’s important, so I’ll repost it.

Tank in Des Moines, IA - Toph, I have bit of a problem. Whenever I finish having sex with a lady, I don’t know what to do. Please help.

- Tank, this is a great question. If (and let’s hope, Tank) you are wearing a condom, make her take it off with her teeth, and eat it. I have heard that it can be a yummy snack. You can say clever things like, “remember that door you came in through, find it”. Or you can do my personal favorite, which is, get up, grab a towel, throw it at her and say, “Clean it”. Chicks dig that, Tank, they do indeed.

It’s sound advice, Aaron, and I’ll expand a little on it. Get the fuck out of there. Do it quickly, quietly and swiftly. You don’t want to linger around, and have her get sick of you. Just go. Leave a note if you must, but make sure all that note says is, “Clean it.”

Jackie in Cleveland, OH - Hey cutes! How come guys are the worst at hitting on girls. Is it weird if I hit on a guy?

–Jackie, of course it’s not weird. In fact, it’s encouraged, but there are rules for the ladies, too. Here they are:

1) Be hot.

Tommy in Portland, OR - Toph, what if I’m, you know, putting it to a girl, and I can tell that she’s not into it. Anything I can do to make her like it?

–Besides putting it in her butt, Tom? There’s tons of stuff you can do to get her in it. In fact, there are people whose entire job is teaching other people what do to if she’s not in it. But, let’s talk about some quick and easy ways to turn things around for you. You could put it in her butt. She might be weirded out at first, but don’t worry, she’ll get used to it. Change positions into something that will make your peen go deeper into her vag. Like, putting her on her shoulders with her legs in the air. Or, on the edge on the bed with her back on the bed, while spreading her legs and burying that peen deep. You could flip her over, put a pillow under her stomach, close her legs and let the crazy friction juices go to work while you pound her vag. Add an Asian chick to the evening. Or, kiss her gently on her neck. You could even just blow your load on her chest. See? Tons of shit, Tom.

Jill in New Haven, CT - You’re my fucking hero, Toph, and I love you,

–I know, Jill… I know.

Sappinin’, suckas. I had a flooded inbox of Ask Toph questions on a variety of topics, so I thought I’d reach out to you, the little people, and answer your questions. Oh, and Mike, sorry I missed your email early November. You shouldn’t kill yourself. Life is too awesome. I mean, look at the photo above. Hope it’s not too late. As always, send you questions to Toph@TophSpeaks.com.

Lisa in Boston, MA - Toph, what do you like to when you’re bored? I have absolutely nothing to do right now. The Patriots stink, the Red Sox aren’t playing and the Celtics are sold out every night. I’m just a lonely girl in a cold, cold town.

– Lisa, let me be the first to say, “Suuuup…?” You do bring up a good point though; there is too much sex that should be easily had that is going without due to the cold weather. There should be a club that singles can go to that accepts an equal amount of men and women. You would be judged at the door. Hot ones get in early, and the later it gets the more uglies they allow in. This way, if you’re not making it happen, then your odds increase as the night goes on. They shouldn’t have dancing, because puts too much pressure on the dudes. No, it should basically be FriendFinder.com, but in a bar. Maybe they should just call it Friend Finder Bar or Pub or Tavern or something. I mean, what single isn’t going to this? Oh, the ones with dignity… got it.

Chuck in Reno, NV - Toph, thanks for everything you do. Not to point out the obvious, and guide your agenda on your own blog, but where are the skillets? I haven’t seen one in the past couple of weeks. Sup with that?

–Chuck, thanks for noticing the daily goings-on of the blog. I don’t want to say I’m burned out on the skillets, because I am not. However, I was thinking of maybe moving it to Skillet of the Month. With the weekly skillets, oftentimes I rely on it for new content. Then, I don’t write as much. What’s TophSpeaks without the writing? (Yes, I know writing is not speaking.) What do you think? Maybe I could do So-and-So To Brighten the Day more often or something. Of course, if you love the Skillets of the Week, then I’ll definitely keep pumping them out. It’s as much your blog as it is mine. (This is totally not true. It’s mine… ALL MINE!!!)

Rhea in Lousiville, KY - Hey Toph!! You’re always talking about this amazing life you live. What is it that you do, and how are you not broke like the rest of us?

–Hi, Rhea… While I’ll never tell you what company I work for, I will say what it is that I do. I work for this pretty kickass search engine marketing company in San Francisco. Basically, I do sales, account management and copy writing for the search engines. The sales and account manager side of the business is what allows me to go on all these trips, and have all these amazing stories. Trust me, I know how lucky I am. Now, the blogs, well, they’re not necessarily written while I’m at work. I just publish them during the hours, because readership is up then. Besides the work, and the blogs, there’s the podcast, the t-shirts, the children’s book… I do so much in so little time, Rhea.

Bob in Jackson, MI - Hey bud, thinkin’ about cheatin’ on my wife. Thoughts?

–Bob. Well, you have to set a list, and then make sure it checks off 100%. Since I don’t know your wife, I’ll do a list based on mine.

1. Would she cut off your penis? - Yes.

2. Would she not only murder you, but the chick, and probably everyone you know? - Yes.

3. Any chance of survival? - Nope.

4. Is she Mexican? - Yes.

5. Is this the worst idea ever? - Uh-huh.

Margie in Fayetteville, AK - Hey Cutes, I have finals coming up this week, and I didn’t prepare very well. Any ideas for how to cheat on the test?

–Man, we have a lot of cheaters today. And, is Arkansas AK, or AR? I don’t know. Now, Margie, I just so happened to be telling Dibs a story about how I started wearing 2 shirts at once. See, I didn’t so well in chemistry my first time around in high school, so, I had to take it again. Considering Mrs. Robertson hated me with all of her heart, I wrote the answers on the inside of my undershirt. That way, when the whore teacher would walk buy I’d be able to cover it. When she’d say stand up, you’re cheating, I would and there would be nothing to see! Suck it, Mrs. Robertson! Look at me now!

Phil in Rye, NY - So, I like this girl at work, and I don’t know what to do. I think she likes me, but I don’t know. How can I know, Toph?

–Phil, it’s a tough fucking world out there. Ladies are the hardest part about it, too. We could figure out the world’s economic crisis faster than we could sort out women. But, I will tell you this, Phil, just fucking go for it. If there’s one thing I’ve learned is that you should just go for it. The worst thing that will happen is she’ll say no… and, be really creeped out by it. Then, she’ll probably tell all of your coworkers that that loser, Phil, asked her out on a date. “HAHHAHAHA… Fuckin’ Phil??!!? HAHAHAHA…” They’ll all say. Your boss will hear about it, and at that point the story is that you’re stalking her and shit. So, you’ll be taken to court for sexual harassment, and you’ll definitely lose your job. Phil, you’re losing your job at the worst possible time, because of the economy (we talked about the economy before, remember?). And, guess what, Phil, Rye is an expensive town. You undoubtedly have a mortgage that you have to pay for. How can you do that with no job, and mounting lawyer fees? Plus, you’re still paying off the debt from college, as well as your mom’s hospital bills. She’s sick; Phil, and you gotta step up and be man here. And, guess what? You just found out that Michelle, remember from NYU that weekend, is pregnant with your kid. Phil, dude, you’re fucked - All because you asked some chick on a date. Ouch.

I guess you could say I’ve been very lucky when it has to do with drinking. It seems that I’ve just always known someone working at a bar, owning a bar or someone who has known someone who works at or owns a bar. Unless we’re looking for something new or are out town, expensive bar bills is not something I’m accustomed to. It’s a life I’ve learned to love.

Getting hooked up a bar is essential while actively dating ladies. Truth is if you’re single, you should be going on at least 2 dates a week (at the very least Tuesday and Sunday, but we’ll get into that on another day). This is something that if done incorrectly, can be extremely expensive. Do the math - Dinner (appetizers, main course, bottle of wine or scotch, dessert) = $70 - 150, drinks after for $20 - $50 and you’ve suddenly dropped $200 on a girl that you’re only going to bang once… maybe twice. It’s not right, dude.

Well, I can’t help you much with the dinner, unless you know a waiter or something, but I can help you with the bar tab.

One of Ryan and my greatest successes was having a bar all of our own. OK, it wasn’t our bar, but we got whatever we want, and walked out with $10 tabs. How?

1. We picked a bar that pretty new, and didn’t have an establish following.

2. We drank with the owner and bartenders regularly, tipping big, and becoming friends on a first name basis.

3. After a few weeks, we made a deal. We told him, if we can pack this place out, then you’ll take care of us. Deal?

And, that’s what happened. We started “hosting” Dallas Morning News happy hours there, and people stuck around. Having people in the bar brought other people into the bar, and before you knew it, there were bands playing, a bouncer and chicks. The best part? Ryan and I never paid for shit, and were always the first people they’d come to at the bar. I’m not gonna lie, it was pretty badass.

In college, I learned that if you bring people into bars, then they’ll split money with you. Whether it’s money collected at the door, or a share of money earned at the bar. Well, this is basically the same, only they’re pouring you drinks instead of handing over money.

Granted, you may not have a shit ton people at your disposal to bring to the bar. Well, that’s OK, do everything else. You should make sure you tip big even when they’re hooking up with a $10 tab. Don’t tip $2 on a $10 tab when you had 10 drinks and 4 shots. Give them 100% tip.

Do that, and you’ll be drinking for cheap.

Late.

(Toph’s Note:  Photos of the game are located HERE - This can also be seen on TheSportsBizzo.com)

There’s a lot of ways I want to start this story, because there’s so much to tell I don’t know where to start. I guess I’ll start by saying I got to witness one of the best baseball games I’ve ever seen in my life, and I got to see it in Fenway Park my first time ever in Boston.

Let’s get into why I was there briefly (as you know, with me, nothing is brief). I was in Boston to attend the Affiliate Summit East convention. I always had plans to attend this game, however, I was about 5 minutes from not going at all. In the beginning, my company was buying a suite to the game, and taking our top clients. Well, that fell through. Next, I was attending the game with some clients of mine who were buying a block of tickets at $300 a piece, but they didn’t want to do that. Finally, I was sitting in my hotel room asking Twitter whether or not I should go to the game.

This was my first time in Boston, and it’s not like getting chance to go to see the Rangers in Fenway on a night that I’m in town happens very often. I’d say the chance of these things coinciding are once in a lifetime. Despite coming from a bachelor party, a wedding, a canceled flight and 5 straight nights of drinking till 2am, I said, “OK, I’m going to the game alone.” Baseball is the only place I don’t mind attending alone. In fact, I prefer to go alone, because it allows me to get lost in the game. Not worrying about anything other than the game is what makes baseball what it is.

I didn’t want to pay $100 for a ticket since I was scalping, so I waited a bit. OK, I waited a half of an inning, and bought my ticket to Fenway for $60. I was headed to Seat 5, Row 11 in the Grandstand.

I’m going to try and describe what it was like walking into the ballpark. It’s going to be hard, because at the conference I learned that adjectives are the devil in the copy writing seminar, but here we go. Have you ever been somewhere so amazing that goose bumps popped up spontaneously? I’ve had them a couple of times, one at my wedding, and another at a Dave Matthews concert when he played 2 Step. Walking through the gate you almost feel like you’ve suddenly become this tremendous part of history. The things that have happened in this ballpark, the joys, pains, beers, the greats and everything that has made Boston baseball what it is suddenly becomes a part of you. And it’s not lost on me that I’m a Yankees fan, either.

I finally make it to my seat with David Ortiz on deck. I get there, with my Rangers hat on, and immediately start hearing it from the fans around me. I’m smack-dab in the middle of an Internet Security company located in Boston, and they’re giving me hell. Not like intimidating I’m-Gonna-Kick-Your-Ass hell, but more along the lines of friendly jabbing. Look, they know they’re Boston. They know what it’s like to support a loser, and they’re very kind with the success they’re having. It almost seemed like they felt bad because they were having so much winning. Like they don’t deserve it. Does that make sense? It’s not just with baseball, but with football, and basketball, too. They seem scared that if they act a certain way everything will change. I even got an apology for all the winning.

David Ortiz officially welcomed me to Fenway Park with a monster 3 run homerun. This was the first hit I’d see in Fenway Park. To see Big Pappi drive a homerun over the wall is like watching Ron Jeremy pound Jenna Jameson. No matter how many times you’ve seen it, it’s still beautiful, and even more so when seen in person.

The crowd went berserk. I’ve seen homeruns before. I was there when Bonds hit 715 to pass Babe Ruth. This crowd made the people in AT&T Park that day look foolish. Again, I’m between all of these hardcore Sox fans, and they’re slapping my back, and putting their Boston hats over my Rangers hat. Everyone is laughing and having so much fun. You would have thought this was to clinch the World Series, not a regular game against a meaningless opponent. I’ve never seen so many fans genuinely happy to be near each other in these cramped, uncomfortable seats. It was almost like everyone was a best friend since birth. I don’t mean just the company I was in the middle of either. Everyone was family.

It didn’t end there, either. Still in the 1st 7 more runs cross the plate, leaving the score at the end of the 1st an unprecedented 10 – 0. 7 runs assisted by another David Ortiz 3 run homerun. The word electrifying gets thrown around a lot, but when Big Pappi walks to the plate every pitch could be another homerun. I wish he wasn’t so damned likeable.

Did I mention that at some point during this 1st inning the guys around me started thinking I was a client? Everyone knew about the conference I was at, because we take over Boston, so I guess that had something to do with it, and why I was sitting where I was. The better part is that Paul, the owner, decided to let me have my night. I corrected Peter the first time he asked me about how much they were making me, but Paul told me to go along with it. So, I did. I paid for nothing during the game, and they offered me everything. They wanted to buy me Sox hats, hotdogs and beers. I had regretting eating pizza at the hotel, but I did take them up on the beers.

Of course, I’m getting jabbed left and right for wearing a Rangers hat. The girls behind me started to have a little pity on me. I told them that when you’re a Rangers fan you know two things: 1. Losing is what happens, and 2. Not even a 10 run lead is safe.

I kept telling them not to get too comfortable with the offense the Rangers have, and I wasn’t wrong. Peter and his wife went to buy a round of beers with the score at 12 – 2. When they came back the Rangers had made it 12-10. I was the only one celebrating. The Sox fans were beside themselves at this point, but it wasn’t crazy, because the bottom of that inning (the 5th), the Sox tacked on 2 more runs. The Rangers have an amazing team, but stop me if you’ve heard this, no pitching.

By now you’ve heard about the rest of game, an unprecedented amount of runs were scored by both teams. The Rangers put together 13 runs in the 5th and 6th innings. The Rangers took the lead at 15 - 14, and the Red Sox took it back with a Youkilis homerun (his second of the game), and you knew the Sox would eventually win this game. I think that’s the difference between this game, and all the others I had attended. Even though the Rangers climbed back from 10 runs, you still knew the Sox would win.

Around the 6th inning, the guy behind me taps me on the shoulder and says, “Have you ever been to Fenway?” I told him no, and he says, “wait till the 8th.” I ask what happens in the 8th and he smiles and says, “All of Boston singing Sweet Caroline. Best thing in the world.”

I couldn’t tell if he was kidding, or serious, because his face seemed a bit deranged as he spoke. But, there it was the middle of the 8th, the music to Sweet Caroline starts up, and everyone stands and sings their hearts out. All my years of watching baseball, and I had no idea they sang Sweet Caroline at Fenway in the 8th. Peter, who apparently hates Sweet Caroline, refused to sing it, until it started playing. He stood up and sang like it was his favorite song.

Yeah, the Rangers lost, but the night was remarkable. After the game I went down to field level to take some photos of the Monster and whatnot. On my way down it seemed like every person I saw congratulated me on a great game. They thanked me for playing so well. That’s when I realized that they are so attached to this team they consider themselves a part of it.

And, that’s the point I realized Red Sox Nation isn’t going anywhere for a very long time, and baseball is better because of them.

Toph’s Note:  I’ll be headed to Austin tomorrow for Ray’s wedding, followed by a trip to Boston. I’ll hopefully be back around next Thursday, the 14th, but I’ll probably be catching up with work. You can follow my trip on Twitter at Twitter.com/tophmiller2.

Ana Beatriz Barros might not be as famous as Miranda Kerr, Adriana Lima and Alessandra Ambrosio (nor should she be), but she’s still balls hot. She’s another one of those sassy models hailing from Brazil. She’s also naked… a lot.

Because I’m trying to get shit done for work, I’m just going to quote her Wiki. Here -

She has done advertisements not only for Guess? but also for Christian Dior, Armani jeans, Oakley, L’Oreal, Naf Naf, Diesel, Ermanno Scervino, Victoria’s Secret, Chanel cosmetics, and Jennifer Lopez’s JLO fashion line, among others. In 2004 Jennifer Lopez selected Barros to be the face of her new lingerie line, JLO Lingerie.

I’ll miss you guys.

So, the other day Ray had an idea, which was to highlight some sexy print ads. I thought that Ray had a brilliant idea, and that’s what I’m here to do. Let’s look at some sexy ads, shall we?!

Obviously, American Apparel has always been known for printing sexy, provocative ads. However, this ad, which appeared on the back of Canadian Magazine, Vice Magazine. I’d say they threw caution into the wind, and made themselves a pretty nice looking ad. Believe it or not, it’s not porn. Promise…

Just to prove it to you, I also pulled this American Apparel ad. I think I need to find a way into their marketing department.

Moving on to foreign, sexy advertising for our next round. Of course, Canada is sexy and foreign… just… moving on.

Here’s the ad that got Ray to bring up this idea to me. It’s for what I can only assume is a Brazilian alcohol, Bit Copa. If this is just for a Lemon drink, then I’m moving. However, it’s very creative with the people on the body. I’d drink this stuff all day. You?

Sticking with the foreign ads, which is pretty much where we’ll be for the remainder of this article, this ad out of the United Arab Emirates is pretty phenomenal. It’s an ad for the WonderBra, and plays on the censorship of the UAE, while still highlighting the size of the boobies. Pretty genius, and she’s skillets, too boot.

Lynx Shower Gel’s ad “Wash Me” is about as clever as they come. Lynx, which appears to be like Axe in America, appealed to everything dudes want. Dirty chicks in their shower with words on their stomachs. Unfortunately, she has no face, which kind of ruins it.

It’s almost unfair to put a condom ad in here, but this one is both creative and hot. I mean, if I have enough time to do all this, something isn’t right, but that doesn’t make it less funny. I also like that they spell it Kondome.

Going back into Brazil, whose advertising agencies just know how to make it happen, here’s an ad for Cabana rum. As opposed to the Brazilian ad above, Cabana just gives us ass. And you know what? I don’t mind it one bit.

Coming back to America, here’s a Levi’s ad that shows us just how comfortable Levi’s RedTab can be. The chick is special, the ad is great.

Of course, if you haven’t seen these ads, which are causing a huge uproar here in the states, then you haven’t been paying attention. While Gossip Girl posted decent ratings, the CW is trying to up the ante. This ad, OMFG, did exactly what it was intended to do. I can’t wait till April.

My winner in terms of overall marketing campaigns goes, hands down, to JBS Underwear. The campaign, which was centered around men not wanting to see men in their underwear, worked. The problem is, I can’t find the actual company, JBS. Humm… coincidence? Here’s just a sample of a few ads that are out there…

My favorite ad of all, however, comes from our friends in Canada (Remember when they weren’t our friends, then our dollar fell below theirs? I hate that.) GoGo Lounge, which is easily one of the world’s best bars ran this ad entitled “Smoking.” I’m only going to assume it’s in response to a smoking ban, but when this is going on, really, who cares? Let’s go to Montreal!

We’ll have to do this again, huh? Tell me, what was your favorite?